I love this place. I love the fact that my own humility is not alone, that no matter how bad I think I look and feel, how humiliated I feel among my lean former crowd of friends, or how impossibly infantile I feel making a basic food choice (((icecream? No, watermelon... please just a little icecream? NO>>> WATERMELON ! .. ICECREAM OR I"M GOING TO CRY -- Whahhhhhaaaaaaaaa.))) yes, no matter how bad I feel about my status of physical Self (which governs all levels of SELF, I truly believe) I have only touched the tip of some kind of iceburg. I know squealing about the 50 pounds I packed on in the last decade, isn't the end of the world, nor are my kinda HotFlashes and moodiness, or my desparate nagging feeling of I have to make my place in this world (against an impossible backdrop of low self-esteem), but I just feel like I don't have much time left. I know you all feel my pain, for your own. Some of you much worse, and I'm feeling yours... truly. So, I want to think where my morbid fears entered the picture, and why several times a day I think about dying from some morbid disease or accident >> this unreasonable fear of losing my life << which is choking the life out of me, ironically. Is that because I don't feel young anymore? I'm *not* 90 years old for pete's sake!!!! I need my life back, frankly. I think I know the trick... find some elements of youth. REal essence of youth... innocence. It's all a frame of mind , really. When we go around thinking we've 'been there, done that' , and feeling jaded about so much in life > it somehow separates us from innocence. I need to begin thirsting for experience again, place myself in awe and courage, instead of hiding from it. What is it about having a body that is burdened by fat, that makes us want to leave the playground? That is sadly amazing, the kids who are lean love to play, the kids who aren't , never even learn to... but disappear into intellectual bliss and private world of fantasy with books and drawing, and all kinds of loftier satisfaction. I was a kid who played in the playground, and had the loftier inner world, both, but I think I'm an adult who is afraid of the playground, and has thus abandoned it for many years.
So, I would like to somehow set up a challenge... to get us all back out on the swings and slides ! . ~Jen