i almost feel a little guilty about posting because i pretty much posted the same thing a few weeks back. i got a lot of great support and encouragement and i found it really helpful. basically i am so stuck! i cannot get out of this bingeeating rut that i have been in for the past week! ahhh... i honestly think i have gained like 10 pounds in the last week and a half due to massive binging. the thought disgusts myself and i am mad because all of my good efforts are ruined. i had my first bout with bulimia about a year ago and it made the last year probably my hardest. i purged at the beginning and only occasionly after the first few months. i no longer purge, or at least i do everything in my power not to, because i am completely aware of the dangerous health consequences of doing so. i take great pride in my teeth so i tell myself i would rather gain weight than permanently wreck my teeth. but now my bulimia has morphed completely into binge eating. i feel like something is wrong with me. i eat completely normally and nutritiously during the day and i come home and practically eat everything in sight. and its not because i love the food so much, because some of the food combinations i eat during a binge are not even that good. its just the satisfaction of stuffing my face i guess. usually i break the binge cycle within a few days but this time i am having such a hard time doing so. every day i tell myself... just make it through this one day binge free... but for the last week and a half i havent been able to do that. and i can see how my weight is affecting me negatively. it makes me want to avoid my boyfriend even though he always tells me how much he loves me, because i feel so ashamed at how much weight i am gaining. and i am avoiding friends birthdays because my clothes are bursting and i feel so yucky. i know both of these behaviours are very negative but i just don't think i can deal with displaying my current weight in front of all my friends so publically. i really need to break my binging cycles... for my health and hapiness. i am a talented girl and i know i have a lot to offer to others but my weight is holding me back and makes me very anti-social. i am trying to reflect on the ups and downs on last year and grow from them and learn what is causing me to turn to food to deal with everything. i need to break this happy. i can totally envision myself unburdened by the weight and i want that vision to become reality. for now all i can concentrate on is tomorrow. there is hope for tomorrow.
thanks for listening!