I'm getting married in a little over a year. My fiance and i have been dating since we were 18 and 19 we are now 25 and 26. He was with me at my absolute lowest weight of 125 lbs. But i got there by eating half a bagel a day, sometimes less, and going to the gym for hours at a time. Needless to say, it didn't stick. I gained back all the weight and then some...oi. I didn't think i had gained that much back, until i went to the doctors and saw, to my horror, i was 157 lbs. That was a almost two years ago and i have yet to do anything about it.
For whatever reason, i cannot seem to make myself do it. i want to lose it and i need to lose it, but i can't seem to make myself. I'll be good for a little while, but then i will just relapse. I think i'm expecting immediate results. I want to lose weight right away, i say i know its a process, but it is difficult to work out and eat right and not see any change. i feel my old issues with food sneaking back, and in a way, i welcome it. it was not a healthly thing, and i know it has caused me many health problems, but i do not care. All i know is that it worked.
I want to tell my fiance all of this, he knows most of it. But i have said i wanted to lose weight in the past and i haven't, he hasn't said anything, and i know he thinks i'm beautiful (something that boggles my mind everytime i hear it), but I feel like a failure. I can't seem to make this change, i know how badly i want this. How can i make it more managable? I have thought perhaps setting smaller goals for me will help, but i still need motivation. Bottom line, i feel like a failure. Why can't i just do it? Why do i lose my motivation? Why can't i make myself understand that it takes time? I scared that i will fail yet again at this. I also fear that because i fear failing, i won't even try.
I have set up mini goals and rewards for myself...but maybe i should make them smaller. Sorry for the incredibuly long post. but i had a lot to work through.