Hi everyone. I'm new here and I'm having a really hard time finding a place to talk to people who might have some of the same issues I have. I really don't think I'm going to find anyone with similar issues, but here goes.

I'm 46 years old and about 100lb overweight. I have one child who is leaving the nest. I have never been married...never wanted to be married.

I have been treated for depression and anxiety for many years. The vote is still out on bipolar. (I haven't had a manic episode since I quit drinking ten years ago.)

Anyway, in the last four years I've had: back surgery, colon cancer and surgery, ventral hernia surgery (the sutures from the colon cancer came apart inside...ouch), knee surgery, and most recently, uterine cancer and a radical hysterectomy. BAM, BAM, BAM, BAM, BAM!!!

If I went into it all, it would make a sad novel. Suffice to say I've been depressed all my life and now I'm dying slowly and painfully....and obesely... I am isolated and terribly depressed, sometimes suicidally depressed...like tonight. I have lost all my friends to depression. I used to be a performer, and a good one. Now I'm just a sad sack of fat who nobody cares about or wants to be around. I'm not entertaining them anymore, so I'm useless to them. I can't really blame them.

Now I'm on disability and I hate it. My family has to pick up the slack because my rent and my disability are the same. If I didn't have them I'd be out on the streets.

I'm not looking for advice about my condition. I've been seen by many, many doctors and psychiatrists and have tried holistic methods. What I need is support from some people who might be going through similar issues. My body is falling apart and I don't have any energy or will to put it back together. But I figure I have to finish up this life, so I want to try to at least get some of the weight off to see if maybe that will help the depression and the joint pain and back problems.

Is there anyone here who would like to partner up with me and get through this together? Is there anyone who simply understands and won't just tell me to get to a doctor or call a hotline? Is there anyone who just has similar problems and feels as trapped and hopeless as I do?

Sorry to be such a downer, but I'm feeling pretty desperate.

blessings,
nay1960[/SIZE][/FONT][/COLOR]

Nay1960,

You are not a sad sack of fat that noone cares about. If I could give you the biggest fattest hug I would do so right now. I'm sorry you are suffering.

I have dealt with eating issues and depression on and off throughout my life. Isolation only feeds the sadness. You've got to get some help on a spiritual level and be with other people.

Have you ever looked into OA (Overeater's Anonymous). You might really benefit from the support system where you will not be alone while you heal and gain the energy and courage to change your life. www.oa.org

There's also an OA board here: http://www.3fatchicks.com/forum/forumdisplay.php?f=61

Charlene

Nay

I agree with Charlene you are NOT a sad sack. My stars girlie, you've been going through some ordeal

3FC's is the best dieting website I've ever seen, packed with ooodles and I mean ooooooodles of information as well as the best support this side of the cyber mississippi So, grab a glass of water, cup of coffee, what ever turns you on and start surfing. You can always join the weekly threads right here.... there is also the Support thread, dieting with obstacals, chicks in control..... the list goes on and on. Join in where ever you are comfy

Again, and we're really glad your here.

Leenie

Dear nay,

I have been where you are several times during my 49 years on this earth. Although my medical issues are not as severe as yours, they easily could have been. I had my son at the tender age of 17 in 1975, still in high school, the councellors there tried to talk me into adoption or abortion since I was so young. I couldn't even think of either of those as an option. I was almost 6 months before I told my Mom. I was suicidal everyday leading up to that moment. I didn't want to let her or my Dad down. She eventually confronted me, we cried... I married the father 2 months before the due date. Baby boy born in July...healthy. Lived very poor without assistance from anyone other than my folks. Divorced after about 5 years of turmoil....drugs and alcohol, cheating...etc. I went on to get a pretty good paying job with benefits so I could raise my son. A few boyfriends later I started dating a co-worker who was of a different nationality than me...European. Very long story short....we dated for about 6 years....he deserted me after 4 months of marriage and I still to this day have no clue as to where he is. That was in 1987. I was so lost and in so much pain at this time becasue I loved him so much. I just couldn't believe that a person could do such a terrible thing to someone they were supposed to love? So, there I was, in the emergency room at the local hospital, I woke with a Nun holding my hand. I wasn't sure if I was alive or dead. Don't even ask me where my son was at this time. I have no recollection where I left him or where he was while I was in my "selfish" suicide attempt. More drugs and alcohol followed....more "boyfirends". Still all the while maintaining a 6 day a week, 10 hour a day job to make ends meet and support various habits....and "boyfirends" who were always broke or unemployed. I finaly came to the realization that I could not live this way anymore, something had to give. The only thing that kept me aive was knowing I had another human I was responsible for. I cleaned up my act and have been on the straight an narrow for over 15 years now. My son and his girlfriend lived with me until they got married about 5 years ago. It was hard at first, since we were always together for 45 years, but I now have 2 gorgeous Granddaughters and another "bun" on the way. I am blessed. How wonderful the circle of life is. Now, I'm not saying my relationship with my son is perfect or anything (I have many guilty feelings of what a terrible mother I was), far from it, but we try, and that's all you can ask of anyone or yourself. Just try, one second at a time. That second will turn into a minute...an hour...perhaps, God willing, a day? Just the fact that you are reaching out in this forum says something, right? Take it easy on yourself. A friend of mine took his life a few years back. Suicide hurts the people you leave behind much more than you can ever imagine. It truly is "selfish". You think everyone will be better off without you, but deep down you know that is not true. I know there are plenty of people in your life that count on you for various things. You are even helping me. Thank you for sharing your story and I hope you find what you are looking for. God bless you. Karen

Thanks for all your words, ladies. Not much time just now, but wanted thank you for your warm welcome, and to assure you that I don't sit around plotting my demise. I know how selfish suicide is. Thinking of what my demise would do to the people who love me is ultimately what keeps me alive, along with a fear I'll have to come back and learn the same lessons in another life! But knowing this isn't the way out becomes its own form of despair. It's just not an option, but sometimes I feel ready to go. I'm a very spiritual person and I'm just ready sometimes. Tired. It's like my body, mind and spirit are all on different levels and I'm too tired and old to get them all back on the same page. I've lost my identity, my job, my home, my health... Today it feels like a new beginning. Today I feel grateful for what I do have. Today I feel I can go on. Sometimes I just don't.

I'm seeing a new therapist and he is encouraging me to start singing again. I may just do that. Also, I've been in AA on and off for years, and OA is probably a good first step...no pun intended. I can probably get hooked up with some more physical therapy too.

Thanks. Your encouragement helps a lot. I've actually been eating healthy and doing floor exercises just since I came in the other day. I feel better already. It really helped to see how people support each other in here. I felt pretty isolated with this stuff. Have to keep remembering to do what I can and work with what God gives me.

blessings,
nay

Geez nay! I'm so happy you posted again! I have been thinking about you everyday since your first post! Especially at night, when I was going to bed. You were in my thoughts and prayers and I was hoping you would find some solice in the support you get from all the wonderful people here.

Try to keep up the positive outlook and if you sing and have a voice...well then, my goodness girl...you must SING!!! AND LOUD, TOO!!!

I'll be looking for your posts and please feel free to email me whenever.

All the best to you!

nay1960, I can so relate to some of your initial posting. I don't have all the severe health problems you have had, but I've had my share. Most, of course, have been due to my weight. I have struggled with dysthmia (chronic low-grade depression) most of my life, and have had a couple of major episodes in the last 16 years. Honestly, I think my happiness set-point is just set at low. I try really hard not to take it out on my family, friends or co-workers, and most people have no idea how I really feel most of the time. There are days I cry all the way to work, or all the way home, and I honestly couldn't tell you what was bothering me. I'd have to think of a reason. And I take antidepressants already-but some days it just doesn't help. I've also been to numerous therapists, OA,Weight Watchers, Weigh Down Workshop, Thin Within, Celebrate Recovery,Overeaters Victorious and others. One of the hardest things for me is that I am a Christian, and it's difficult when I hear people say to just 'trust the Lord' or 'you must have sin in your life.' I know they mean well, but they just have never suffered depression the way you and I do. It runs in the family, for sure. My father had it and 2 of my nieces have it as well.
I'm pretty sure a lot of my problem is hormonal, because it seems to run on a monthly cycle. I'm 45, and I'm heading for menopause, too. Maybe that will help instead of hinder.
Remember that your body has been through a lot recently, so be kind to yourself. Depression is also Mother Nature's way of making sure you don't do too much so that your body can recover.
It sounds like you need to find purpose and meaning in your life and that you have too much time on your hands. I fortunately still work and lead a fairly active life. Can I recommend The Purpose Driven Life by Rick Warren to you? Maybe it will help. Just a suggestion.

Also, please remember that there is always One who cares. And I care, too.