Hello

I was thinking about the many times I destroyed my diet in the past (thank god I'm holding on for couple of months now), and I tried to analyze this moment of eating and destroying everything you did. It's a pretty scary moment, and looking back it feels as if I have some sort of blackouts over these moments when I made this decision to eat and to break the diet. But on the few moments I do remember more clearly, I really feel like I did it on purpose. It's not like I saw the forbidden food and lost control, but more as if I really wanted to destroy something. Some kind of weird anger. I need to think about it a little more. Somehow I hope that if ill think about it and understand it, then when it will come again I will be able to resist better.

Hope I didn't sound too weird. If you understand what I'm talking about let me know ...

Bye

I know what you mean about destroying something and the anger.

Recently I have been trying to talk myself out of my binges when they happen and the thing the always says to the is "I DON'T CARE!!!!" Like a small child. It doesn't matter how much I reason, and how much I tell myself that I won't feel good afterwards, the child in me says, "Don't care, want FOOD NOW!!!!!"

I haven't got to the point where I can make myself care... Maybe it's distraction I need not caring

Oh yeah... I totally do that. I tell myself ahead of time that I am going to do it and hate myself, I tell myself WHILE I am doing it that I am going to do it and hate myself...and then I try to figure out what ELSE I can do to hate myself.

Usually I dont even WANT the food. It is purely a self-sabotage thing. I dont even enjoy the food in the moment.

I seem to be getting better at breaking it sooner and even stopping before I start now.

And this is going to sound weird, but the most effective tool I have found so far is a song. A couple months ago I was on my way to deliberately get an unwanted unneeded only self-destructive McD's run and the Rush song "Free Will" came on the radio and hit me like a ton of bricks. Since then when I am having that self destructive foreshadowing when I start to feel the urge, I sing the song and it usually helps me refocus. Not always, but definitely for the drive-through urges. The ones where you have a few minutes between mental breakdown and actually physically getting your hands on the food.

Still working on short circuiting the ones where the food is RIGHT THERE. (aka social gatherings...they are my big downfall)

I've been having a tough time lately, no loss for over 4 weeks....the discouragement makes me think about quitting or binging from time to time and the worst time is when I go to pick up my son from school. I often contemplate stopping at the closest convenience store to buy a few candy bars so I can eat them while driving and so no one else will know.....I'm sure it has a lot to do with boredom and hunger at that time of day. I actually tell myself that it is okay to do it....Anyway, I feel good that I haven't actually stopped to buy anything and that makes me feel good. Instead I'll grab an apple at home and eat that in the car on my way back to work (and that makes me feel even better)!

I've done this tonight. That's two break outs in 4 weeks and it was an active decision. I'm really sorry I did it but it's over now and the damage isn't too great. If it does happen to you (well done on your 2 months) you haven't destroyed your diet. You've messed up one day.

I have had disordered eating habits since I was 15 and badly disordered since I was 18. 4 weeks on this site is not going to change this overnight but 4 weeks on this site has taught me that I haven't "destroyed" my diet and that I have just to get back on tomorrow. Well now actually.

Allison, I'm sure you'll start losing again soon. At your height and weight I reckon you're pretty slim and your body's probably putting up a last ditch attempt to hold onto whatever excess weight you have left.