Well, it's been quite a long time since I've written anthing, let alone even visited you guys.
As you may realize, I've gained about 20 lbs. I'm not happy about it, but I am doing something about it now.
How did I end up gaining 20 lbs when I was so vigilant of my weight before? Obsession.
A couple of months back, my husand helped me come to the realization that I was out of control. That I was living my life solely for looking good. That all I cared about was exercise. I became completely obsessed with Tae Bo. I stopped enjoying the workouts, but I know that I HAD to do them to keep my weight down. Instead of my workouts relieving anxiety, they produced anxiety. If I wasn't able to workout one day, I would become horribly depressed. I would start crying in the middle of a workout because I felt like it was doing nothing for my body. I wanted to look like one of those super models. I stopped going out with my husband and hid from my friends. It was all or nothing with me. I was completely obsessed with eating right and exercising. And it was not a good obsession. I always told myself that I HAD to be obsessed or I would become complacent. That way of thinking turned into an unhealthy way of living.
All I could think about was how awful I looked and how horrible all my extra skin was. That I was still fat and ugly. My life was exercising. I had nothing else. I would literally FREAK OUT if the scale said that I gained a pound or two. It didn't matter if my clothes fit fine.
I had forgotten why I started this journey. I wanted to be healthy and though I may have been PHYSICALLY healthy, mentally, I was a wreck.
So, I stopped doing the TaeBo. I actually stopped exercising all together for about a month. I tried to pick up the Tae Bo again, but just couldn't. I HATED it with a passion. I hated even looking at the DVDs because they reminded me of the shell of a person that I had become. So, I sold them all. Got rid of all reminders that I ever owned them.
Over the past 2 months, I've bought about 20 exercise DVD's. Dance, yoga, striptease aerobics, bellydance (I've really enjoyed getting into the bellydance!) and recently, Turbo Jam though I haven't recieved it.
I really have let my eating go as well. I haven't been gorging myself, but I haven't been eating as healthy as I could have been. So, that combined with the lack of exercise resulted in weight gain.
I think that maybe this "break" this "healing" stage has made me open my eyes to a lot of things. The fact that I am NOT that fat woman anymore and there is no way I will ever let myself go back to that. The fact that there are SOOOO many things that I can do today that I couldn't do when I weighed 286 pounds. The fact that I feel like a WOMAN and not a blob of flesh.
I may not ever get back down to 160 pounds again and I'm okay with that. That was a result of obsession. If I do, it will be done with moderate exercise and moderation of food.
My advice to you all would be this....Do NOT lose YOURSELF while you are losing WEIGHT. Remember who you are!!!