Dear Santa...A Letter From Mom
Dear Santa,
I've been a good Mom all year. I've fed, cleaned, and cuddled my two
children on demand, visited the doctor's office more than my doctor, sold sixty-two cases
of candy bars to raise money to plant a shade tree on the school playground and figured
out how to attach nine patches onto my daughter's girl scout sash with staples and a glue
gun.
I was hoping you could spread my list out over several Christmases, since I had to write
this letter with my son's red crayon, on the back of a receipt in the laundry room between
cycles, and who knows when I'll find anymore free time in the next 18 years.
Here are my Christmas wishes:
I'd like a pair of legs that don't ache after a day of chasing kids (in any
color, except purple, which I already have) and arms that don't flap in the
breeze, but are strong enough to carry a screaming toddler out of the candy
aisle in the grocery store. I'd also like a waist, since I lost mine
somewhere in the seventh month of my last pregnancy.
If you're hauling big ticket items this year, I'd like a car with
fingerprint
resistant windows and a radio that only plays adult music; a television that
doesn't broadcast any programs containing talking animals, and a
refrigerator
with a secret compartment behind the crisper where I can hide to talk on the
phone.
On the practical side, I could use a talking daughter doll that says, "Yes,
Mommy" to boost my parental confidence, along with one potty-trained
toddler,
two kids who don't fight, and three pairs of jeans that will zip all the way
up without the use of power tools. I could also use a recording of Tibetan
monks chanting, "Don't eat in the living room" and "Take your hands off your
brother", because my voice seems to be just out of my children's hearing
range and can only be heard by the dog.
And please don't forget the Playdoh Travel Pak, the hottest stocking stuffer
this year for mothers of preschoolers. It comes in three fluorescent colors
and is guaranteed to crumble on any carpet making the In-law's house seem
just like mine.
If it's too late to find any of these products, I'd settle for enough time
to
brush my teeth and comb my hair in the same morning, or the luxury of eating
food warmer than room temperature without it being served in a Styrofoam
container. If you don't mind I could also use a few Christmas miracles to
brighten the holiday season. Would it be too much trouble to declare ketchup
a vegetable? It will clear my conscience immensely.
It would be helpful if you could coerce my children to help around the house
without demanding payment as if they were the bosses of an organized crime
family; or if my toddler didn't look so cute sneaking downstairs to eat
contraband ice cream in his pajamas at midnight.
Well, Santa, the buzzer on the dryer is ringing and my son saw my feet under
the laundry room door. I think he wants his crayon back. Have a safe trip
and
remember to leave your wet boots by the chimney and come in and dry off by
the fire so you don't catch cold. Help yourself to cookies on the table, but
don't eat too many or leave crumbs on the carpet.
Yours always.....Mom
PS: One more thing...you can cancel all my requests if you can keep my
children young enough to believe in Santa.
