I need help. I really, really need help.

I am killing myself with food and I don't know why I am doing this to myself.

I am at 340 now. I feel like I will just die in my sleep when I go to bed at night. I'm 43, and I feel like I could just die any minute from this weight.

Also, I became a type 2 diabetic a year ago, I have fibromyalgia and CFS, and am on meds and in therapy for chronic depression/anxiety.

My knees are killing me, my back hurts, and now I have a skin irritation.

I have problems taking a shower. I have problems going up stairs. I have problems getting up from the couch.

I tried to start to turn things around a month ago. It lasted a few days.

I need to talk to someone that is going through this or went through this recently.

I just don't know how to stop doing this to myself.

I understand. I weighed 394 lbs two years ago, and also have extreme joint and muscle pain from fibromyalgia and arthritis. I also have high blood pressure, high cholesterol, insulin resistance or pre-diabetes, and had sleep apnea and extreme memory problems from the fibromyalgia (fibrofog - I was even a danger to myself and others as I would forget that I had left the stove or curling iron on...)

I was forced to quit work and apply for and get on disability. I've been able to lose about 40 lbs, and no longer have sleep apnea, but it continues to be an intense struggle. I have failed far, far more than I have succeeded, or I would have lost 3, or even 4 times as much weight by now. I have given up many, many times, but not for more than a week (PMS is probably my biggest challenge). This is the only really new behavior I have learned, to not give up. Sometimes I get very depressed that I am not further along in my journey, but when I look at what I have achieved, it is nothing short of miraculous.

I have NEVER lost/maintained a losing "streak" for two years before. I can take a short shower without using my shower chair. I am no longer sleeping 14 - 20 hours a day. Sleeping is still painful, but nothing like before. I wake a couple times during the night, instead of every two hours or more. The "fibrofog" has lifted to the point that I almost have my "old" brain back - no more danger of burning down the house.

This website, and another I cannot mention here (because it gets censored out), has been my lifeline. If you email me I can give you hints to help you find that website too. It is a great team-based site, with alot of information and activities that all earn points, so it has a game/accomplishment environment that I find motivating. I belong to a team on that website of people with more than 200 lbs to lose. When I first started there, the team consisted of one woman. I joined her and now we have almost 20 members.

Whether you are interested in joining that site, or only staying here, the important thing to remember is you are not alone.

Email me and we will talk

I know what you mean...I am also at 350...when I started trying to change I was at 370...I am hopeful but it never seems to last....I do not know why I eat the way I do or why I stop when it feels so good to loose weight. I have lost weight in the past and know that it can be rewarding and I know all the tricks and all the nutrition info, all the exercise i need to do

But I still go back and every time I do I gain more weight...it has gotten to the point where I do not even want to go out because I know that even little kids look at me and say "look she is fat"

Oh, 4MeNow. I SO understand where you are! I was EXACTLY where you are: 340 pounds, looking at my mid-forties. I am very, very fortunate that I didn't get as far as diabetes and the other challenges that you face, but I know that desparate feeling where I just can't seem to get it turned around. I wish we lived close enough that I could be a help to you, company for walking, etc., but that's unlikely.

I CAN tell you that there is hope! There is a light at the end of the tunnel! When I started I had many of the same problems that you are dealing with back pain, difficulty doing simple things like showering, getting up from the couch. The meds you're on, while I'm sure they help you in some ways, some of them can make weight loss more difficult, but not all of them, and it CAN still be overcome.

When I started I could only walk for a few minutes. That's changed, and it CAN change for you! When I started I had terrible craving for all the old foods that I'd used to destroy my body in the first place. That's changed, and it CAN change for you too!! I've had set backs, and most people do, but that doesn't mean failure. Quitting is the only failure, and I can tell by your post today that YOU AREN"T GOING TO QUIT! You just need a place to get started and some support, right?

The first thing I would ask you to do is understand that this will not be short, easy, or without a few snags, but it's possible. If I can do it - YOU can do it! you actually already have a head start on me, because I didn't start until after my 45th birthday. See? you already have something in the PLUS column!

And that's the second thing I'd ask you to do. Look at what you CAN do, instead of letting the negative control your thoughts. Easier said than done, because negative keeps trying to sneak up on you. Keep a 'mental broom' handy and keep chasing it off, replacing it with positive thoughts. What CAN you do? If you aren't wheelchair bound, you can walk, at least a little. If you do the shopping, you can decide what food comes into your house.

The third thing I'd recommend, well, you've already started doing it! Get yourself a support system. I honestly don't know how successful I would be at this, if I didn't have these friends here to share with. We all have challenges. We all hit plateaus. We all have successes and NSV's and things that we share. We've been there! We're here to cheer you on when you're going strong, and we're here to help lift you up when you're having trouble. We understand, and the most important thing is having people you know you can count on. Here we are!

I've seen people, right here on this list, go from a wheelchair to a healthier life. I know Michelle, who lives in Northern Alaska without so much as a paved street to walk on, much less a gym to work out in, she's DOing it.

I admire that you are still determined to get control. You WILL do it! Make small changes first if you can. No more sodapop perhaps. No more chips. Use commercial breaks to walk up and down a hallway - but not thru the kitchen!

Most of all, You deserve better than to continue doing this to yourself, but you already know that! If I can be of any help to you, please feel free to get in touch. You know where to find me!!

KAPLODS: Thank you so much for your reply. I am feeling so alone in this. I thought I was heavy before, so now I feel like a freak. I am going to email you shortly.


POCHITA: Thank you for posting. You and kaplods have come to my rescue and I mean that. I have lost weight in the past, too and felt great. Then, I got sick 3 years ago and gained all this weight. I don't go out unless I have to. I feel like people are staring at me. I guess they are.

Now, what are we going to do about all of this?

Thank you all again for coming to my rescue. I am in a bad place, and it helps so much to know I'm not alone.

Hugs,
Christine

Hi Valerie!

I don't know if you remember, but we talked last month when I started to post on here and then fell off the boards (and the wagon). I'm another horse lover.

Your post made me cry, but in a GOOD way. I can't believe you used the phrase "mental broom". That's exactly what I "keep in there" to sweep the thoughts away. How amazing that you use the same imaging. I think right now I need a "mental Dyson" with extra suction.

I hope others read your post. I am going to keep a copy on file.

MAJOR hugs for taking the time to reply.

Thank you and bless you,
Christine

Christine – I too know how you feel. At my highest weight I could barely get up the stairs to my apartment. Everything hurt all the time – day and night, sitting, standing or lying down I was in pain. I used to wonder why I was doing this to myself. For a long time I thought I might be trying to kill myself slowly. I just couldn’t figure out why I would keep doing this to myself. At some point I realized that I had never taught myself how to take care of myself other than with food. I realized that I was beating myself up for trying to take care of myself and sending myself all kinds of weird and conflicting messages. How can you get mad at yourself for trying to take care of you in the best way you know how? The problem is that it is a destructive way and won’t work in the long run. This is what I discovered about myself. Your reason for being overweight may be the same or it could be very different. I think it is vital for everyone to understand how they got to where they started. For me this understanding caused a great sense of relief because I no longer blamed myself.

For me this journey is 80% emotional and 20% physical. If I am in the right place emotionally then things seem to fall into place fairly easily. My right place emotionally is one of optimism and strength. There is no room for negativity and self doubt. The thing is that I know I can do this. It may take years, and I know I will not be perfect, but eventually I will get there. I know that I need to find other ways of dealing with my emotions other than eating and I am doing much, much better with it. That doesn’t mean that I never turn to food for comfort any more, but it is less and less.

I just wanted you to know that you aren’t alone, and that we will be here.

Nancy - you hit the nail on the head! "...this journey is 80% emotional and 20% physical. If I am in the right place emotionally then things seem to fall into place..." We are our own greatest allies, or greatest enemies. It's all in our heads!

Nancy: Thank you for taking the time to post. Everything you said makes so much sense. It is like 99.9% psychological to me.

I need to sweep all the craziness out of my head. It reminds me of the cartoons that show an angel on one shoulder and a devil on the other and right now they are in a fist-fight.

All of that chaos in there...I need to get out of my head!

I looked at my body in a full-length mirror yesterday for the first time since my wedding in May 05 and I just about died. I was like "WHO IS THAT??" So hard to believe.

So, of course I felt really bad about myself. At least I didn't head to the kitchen.

Thanks again for your post. This is what I need. A reminder that this can be done.

Have you considered going to a nutritionist?

Littlepaperstars: Thank you for the suggestion. I saw a nutritionist last year when I was diagnosed with diabetes.

Like most food addicts, I know what to eat, how much to eat, caloric content, fat grams, labels, serving sizes, glycemic index, food pyramid, etc.

I would finish the woman's sentences, bless her heart.

I know what to do. I know what not to do. Unfortunately, I am choosing from the "what not to do" list for whatever the reason may be. That's the problem. The "why" is the problem with me.

I appreciate your suggestion. I agree that a nutrionist is helpful if a person needs the education.

4menow~First I know how tough this is! I am prediabetes and have a ton of other medical issues! First I honestly have to say staying checked in on this support group daily has helped me so much! I see people my size getting so much exercise and it inspires me to get up! I have had terrible pain from just moving. But I started slow. I live in Alaska and had to make a plan to walk in my house. We figured from walking from one end to the other end with 70 short laps is 1/2 mile. At first and still some days I am only able to do 35 laps. But it makes me feel pround of my self that I did it! All the wonderful ladies here have told me I will build up stamina soon and it will be a lot easier to walk. The main thing for me is I have to try. So what if I only do 5 laps? At least I did something! Maybe just march in place for 2-5 minutes? I started doing that. Oh and another thing to try..I just put on my headphones and danced the length of my favorite song. I found that a fun way to get a few mintues of exercise in a day. You can do it hun!

Food~Now there is where I struggle really bad! I am so addicted to the bad foods. The main suggestion I can offer is just stop driking soda and eating junk food. I noticed I dropped 6 pounds alone from not drinking soda. And I started watching how much sodium I was eating. Its scary when you stop and see how much sodium is in stuff you would never think of.

I hope you are feeling better! You can do this!

Michelle

I somehow stopped myself. I was 39, felt at least 50 and knew I was headed for disaster.

And that still wasn't enough. WHy couldn't I start? I also believe this journey is mostly mental. And part of my problems was that I didn't believe I could DO it, I didn't believe I would stick with it. I had tried before to lose weight, only to gain it back, and then some.

I didn't make a plan to lose 100 pounds. My goal: "Be fitter at 50 than when I turn 40." I realize now that what I did was make a long term commitment to a process.

I think most of us can't start doing it all at once. I like the baby steps approach. My first steps were 1) bring lunch and snacks to work; 2) portion control (especially when eating out); 3) move a little more.

Can you commit to just doing a little more each day? And I mean COMMIT. But you're not committing to change your life (that will happen), just to make some changes that you can make now and STICK with it. Find a couple of things to change, do it, and pat yourself on the back 100 times for doing it! Then, do something else. Then something else.

My life is changed now. I've lost over 100 pounds and can live an active lifestyle for the first time in my adult life. I have realized that I don't know what I can and cannot do -- this thinner body is unknown to me. I think my next goal will be to find out just what it can and can't do!

GOod luck and keep posting! (Maybe that's part of the commitment!)

Wyllenn's post struck a cord with me, because I think the "secret" of my success so far has also been that I have not set weight loss as my actual goal. If you think about it, we have no actual control over the scale, we only have control over what we eat, and what we do. Unless you use a chainsaw, you can't control how much fat comes off, or how quickly.

Since weight loss is actually just a "side effect," of my actions, I haven't "failed" if I haven't lost. I think that has kept me on this "losing streak." The weight has come off far too slow to be a reward, but when I focus on how far I've come, rather than how much I've lost, I realize that I've "won" far more than just a few pounds.

Heh. No chain saws for me!

You nailed it! This IS a mental game, so let's play one we can win. I like how you framed weight loss as a side effect of healthy behaviors -- it really then highlights why it might be important to focus on the behaviors themselves and not the scale.

Valerie (NoLifeWithoutHorses) just posted about how she can now do this move in one of her classes at the gym that she couldn't do before. She's stoked about this new skill -- I think that's a victory worth celebrating, too, and keeps that focus on the challenge of being able to DO more. If we're doing all that, the weight will come off. Never as fast as we want, but it WILL. And a bonus is that by not overly focusing (or solely focusing) on the scale, we will find so many more things to challenge us and to celebrate.