My poor daughter was up last night crying her eyes out because she doesn't want to go to school because she doesn't have any friends and doesn't fit in.

Here's the scoop: My daughter is a bit unique. She's exceptionally pretty...she has long, brown curly, wavy Sicilian hair, huge, green eyes and stands out like crazy amongst all the other girls. The only thing that is 'unattractive' about her is her lack of confidence. Of course, she thinks she's a troll because all the other girls have boys asking them out and nobody ever asks her out. She's been in the same school district since first grade and all the friends she's had since then all sit at one table during lunch and when she goes to sit with them, they all say there is no room for her. She's in middle school now and her MS consists of the kids she want to grammar school with and another much bigger town that makes up about 75% of the rest of the kids. In class, they have assigned seating and her seats are consistently surrounded by kids from the other town and they all have their clicks and 'possies' and she feels like an outsider. She's in band and her best friend in band, another clarineter, is from the other town and she's in a group of girls that all have nicknames for one another and have been friends since kindergarden. As I said, the girls that she had in her class when she was little all tell her there is no room for her at their table during lunch and so she just sits by herself and nearly cries.

The most aggrevating thing is that the girls that won't let her sit with them, we've invited ALL of them at various times over the summer out on our boat, to my mom's house where there's a private beach, to a water park, etc. They were ALL in my Girl Scout troop. I can't believe they've all shunned her from thier group. The problem, I think, is the most popular of them all. She was just here this weekend for a sleepover with my daughter, basically because she was bored and my daugther is almost always home and we live pretty close-by. I asked my daughter, "What about Rendi?" and she said that she's the one that says there is no room at their table and the rest of the girls are feeling to lucky to be accepted at the table to protest for her. I used to babysit Rendi when she was in first grade...she's the kid that has been here to visit most of all her friends...I've always thought of her as my daughter's back-pocket friend. She's never sat with Rendi during lunch, but I always figured it was just because they wer busy getting to know the girls from teh other school. My daughter says she just wishes she had ONE GOOD FRIEND that she can call her best friend that will always be there for her and that she can tell her deepest darkest secrets to (she doesn't really have any deep dark secrets, but that's beside the point) and not have to worry about them telling other people.

I think the other girls are jealous and threatened by my daughter, myself, because she's such a stand-out beauty. I told my daughter this and she thought I was insane and jsut saying that because I'm her mom.

You know, she doesn't even talk to anyone on the bus to school. She spends the time text messaging me on the trip to school and we 'chat' till she has to get off the bus. I told her that I won't be upset if she doesn't TM me if she finds someone to talk to, but she says everyone is busy talkign to their 'BFFs' and since she doesn't have one, she TM's me.

I feel so bad for her. I remember being in her shoes...I was always a loner and didn't really have a 'best friend'...but I don't remember it bothering me like it's bothering her.

Any ideas? This is such a sucky age to have to live through...

UGH! this makes me tear up - it hits so close to home (except I wasn't a beauty ) I was just different, I was a lot more mature and just couldn't get into what the girls in my class were into. It sad to say that I didn't have a best friend until I went to college but then I had 15 of them. I have a five year old daughter in kindergarten and her biggest worry is finding a best friend. I feel for you and your daughter, I don't have any ideas, but I do think you are doing a great job in supporting her. She is lucky to have such a loving and caring Mom. Good luck!

Thanks, Rose. I told her she has two choices...go up to a table with some girls she knows and just say, "Hey, move over!" and smile and sit down. Or she can bring a book to lunch and just sit by herself, no pouting, just act comfortable to sit alone, and then a GOOD friend will either ask her to join them at their table or just sit with her. She has other friends that weren't in her class when she was little from the other town, but they are usually sitting with a girl or two that is perpetually stuck-up and fake...and my daughter has inherited my genuine loathing for stuck-up, fake people. She'd rather sit alone.

Regarding her friend that spent the night here this weekend that won't let my daughter sit at her table...her mother was telling me that she now has a boyfriend and that she spends all of her spare time on the phone with him and when she's not on the phone with him, she's moping around the house, complaining that she's bored and hates the house they live in. When I babysat her, she was such a momma's girl...hated to be away from her mother...but in the last couple years, she's basically boycotted her mother and won't let her attend feild trips or chaperone anything she's involved with. She has a VERY close relationship with her dad and her mom told me that she was fighting with her dad this weekend saying, "This house sucks and I'm sick of living here!" MInd you , they have a small three bedroom house in the country...overlooking Lake ONtario! It's small, but VERY cute. Problem is that the girls from the next town she's become friends with all are from wealthy families and have cool houses. I'm wondering is she's trashing my daughter because we don't have a ton of money (like HER). Sad. Really, really sad.

Oh man, I went through this. My son went through this. Middle school is horrible! Cheers to your daughter for seeing through the BS.

Can I recommend a book? It's called Queen Bees and Wannabes: Helping Your Daughter Survive Cliques, Gossip, Boyfriends, and Other Realities of Adolescence. I didn't read the whole thing, but I read some other articles and essays by this woman and she has some good stuff to say. There are a few other books about cliques and girls (and how damaging they can be!).

For a light-hearted approach on the topic, rent the movie Mean Girls. I don't remember how age-appropriate it is for a middle-schooler (so maybe watch it first before sharing it with daughter), but it was a fun movie.

My only other advice is to help her develop friends outside of school, maybe she could reconnect with a longtime family friend, or join in some activities at a local church youth group.

I'm so sorry that your daughter is going through this. It's sad what happens in our schools. I have to say that this is one reason why single-sex education is good. I went to a large all-girls high school, and it's amazing how much of these jealously issues just disappear when there are no boys around. We had no issues with popularity/teasing and some of the other petty things that torture young kids in school these days. I know some larger cities are trying out single-sex public education, and I fully believe that it cuts down a lot on this "extra-curricular drama" so that kids can concentrate on their education. BTW, uniforms help too -- can't tell who is rich/poor, no inappropriate trashy clothing, no clothing envy.

Has anyone else found this to be true?

That really sucks, but your daughter has values, and I like your suggestion of just being comfortable with being by herself, taking a book to read at lunch is great - she could appear all mysterious and romantic (I'm thinking French romances here, you know, cool lady in the coffee shop gets approached by sexy young thing because she is "mysterious") I used to dream about being "cool" like that when I was a gal!

I think some people can handle being alone more than others, I went through a very tough time when my "best friend" moved house and I thought the world was going to end. I had no friends at school but I did get through it a more independent person for it, and I believe I wouldn't be who I am today without it.

I've got no real advice for you (I have now discovered after my little rant), but you're doing all you can, and I'd say to your daughter to stick with it, and just chill out and spend a little time with #1! What I wouldn't give for some alone time!

Oooh yes, could she join another after-school club. I'd suggest cheerleading, but I'm guessing that's where all the fakes hang out?

Wow. Middle School, to this day when I look back on it, remains the worst years of my life. Seriously. Reading this thread brings all of that back.
What I remember most is that our little group of friends always had some fight with someone going on - someone was always being shut out - for a few weeks, and then we would all make up, only to turn on someone else. I think it's fairly common for that age group...

What I always tried to tell my youngest sister in law is that - the things that are happening to her now are a very small part of the over all picture of her life. That middle and highschool friends and boyfriends are rarely grown up friends or boyfriends/husbands and that she should make her desicions with that in mind. For me, I was just trying to steer her away from getting pregnant in high school like almost all of her friends did. It worked, I'm happy to say.. but I think this can apply to friendships and the little ***** wars that would go on during that time.

I think a good distraction in the form of club, afterschool activity, etc would be a great plan. And keep supporting her and encouraging her to talk to you - the worst part about going through all of that is not having anyone to talk to.

I soooo remember being there. It didn't help me then to be told it would get better (although it most definitely did). But Girl Guides (Scouting in the U.S.) was my safe place. It was one activity that I could look forward to & always felt accepted. I also feel it helped to build my self-confidence.

Middle school is the WORST!!!!!

I remember the worst times I had in middle school as clear as yesterday. The only thing that got me through was band and I found an activity that was not school related. I also was really close to my sister and her group of friends (who were in high school) I had friends, but very few, and none of the right ones.

Your poor girl, try getting her involved in something not school related, something that will help her self esteem.

Well, we had her in figure skating classes for four years, but she's about as graceful as a three-legged elephant, so we took her out because it was actually damaging her self esteem as the girls her age were advancing on to Juniors and she was still a step above the toddlers with the helmets on.

Fru...I might have her read that first paragraph of yours. I tell you...learnign the art of independence has value in and of itself. I remember when I was working and Shelley was little, I would ALWAYS go to lunch by myself. I had a romance novel with Fabio on the front, no boss up my butt and no kids in my face...I was in heaven for an hour. But some people would just as soon go without lunch than to sit alone for an hour and eat.

I'm hoping that, while going through this, she'll learn that it's perfectly possible to be alone and not lonely. And, if I tell her that if she's alone, reading a book and enjoying her lunch by herself, she'll open herself up to other people that may not have anyone else to sit with...maybe even a cute boy? Actually, that would be bad because in a somewhat controvertial move, my husband has bribed my daughter with a $100 if she goes boyfriend-free until she's 15. I told her if a boy asks her out, she should tell them to ask her again when she's 15 and she'll take HIM out to the movies. Seriously, her friend that won't let her sit with her has had at LEAST 15 boyfriends since the beginning of 6th grade. I think she started with boyfriends in fourth grade, actually. I've told my daughter that boys are bad news at this age and she should just not go there...it's where SO many 'cat fights' stem from and one never knows what a 13-year-old boy is capable of when he experiences a testosterone spike while he's alone with his little girlfriend. At 15, she'll be well into high school, and hopefully $100 richer!

Anyhow...I'm hoping that maybe she's just pre-menstrual. Maybe a midol or pamprin will help with the blues. I'm trying to get her to drink green tea with me, but she thinks its gross.

You know...all the suggestions of after school things...I'm thinking of signing her up for guitar lessons. It'll give her a little cool thing to learn that the other girls don't have. It would be awesome if she became a cool little rocker chick! Her father is a VERY awesome guitar player...unfortunately, he's also a VERY deadbeat dad or else I'd have him give her lessons...but if she channels the muddy side of her gene pool and finds a gem like inherited guitar talent, THAT would be very cool, indeed! It would be a way for him to pay child support without even having to involve him

Oh, and feel free to continue your middle school stories...it's making feel my daughter's not alone...

That sounds just like me when I was in middle school. However, the meanest kids were at church. I would go to sit in the pew and the girls would say out loud that they didn’t want to sit next to me. The parents didn’t do anything about it either. One girl had said something mean to me, and rather than tell her that’s not how you treat people, she simply asked her daughter, “Why do you talk to her like that?” The girl shrugged and walked away, and that was that.

I had low self-esteem and didn’t feel very pretty. I looked similar to how I do now, but chubbier; you can look at my avatar and make your own judgments. My mother said the same things about people being jealous of me, but words don’t really help much in these kinds of situations.

I also was a clarinetist, and a darn good one if I may say so myself. Through recognizing my talent, I had a greater awareness of myself as a person. I had something I could do well and didn’t need other people to make me feel good. Eventually that confidence radiated out and I eventually found some other more mature teenagers and made friends.

Reading also helped immensely. Even now, it’s rare to find me without a book. As an only child, I tend to gravitate toward activities I can do alone anyway. All I can say is just try and really encourage her in all her interests (as I’m sure you already do). You don’t have to convince her that she’s beautiful, but try to take the focus away from her appearance and onto the strengths she’s willing to recognize. Other than that, you may just have to settle for being a shoulder to cry on. I wish I could be more encouraging, but until more parents take an active role in teaching their children how to treat others (and that’s assuming the children listen to them), this will be a rite of passage for many girls (and boys) around that age.

If it’s any help, I turned out all right. This phase of life won’t last forever.

Techwife:

Is there an after school club she can join? School year book or newspaper clubs are great because you get to interview people and use a camera as a prop (or an excuse) to help introduce yourself to people. Best wishes.

Mo

Chubby: (or the girl formerly known as "Chubby" ) I wish you were 12 and could hang out with my daughter. You'd be FAST friends.

I've attached a picture of her and you can all see why I think the girls are jealous of her. It just breaks my heart thinking of her sitting there all by herself feeling lonely. I just talked to hubby about signing her up for guitar lessons and he wisely suggested I wait to see if its just PMS. But even if it's not, I'd still like to sign her up. Like you said, Chubby, a talent give you confidence that radiates out whether you like it or not and you become attractive to friends that you didn't even know existed before.

Oh, and this picture was a couple years ago...she's only gotten more beautiful as she matures...my little muffin.

TechWife, she is very cute. It's such a shame that kids can be such idiots. I wish she could have a friend her age to text-message on the bus.