Ok, at the moment I am feeling....strange. I am angry, I could cry- for no obvious reason.
I guess it started with thinking about that "Who are you?" thread....And I am not so stable since I am still on a nicotin detox....

I just realized that a lot of people have influences on the question "Who are you?" for me...There are a lot of people telling me "You are....and you are not...you can do this....you canīt do that....." Everybody is telling me what to do, what to feel....Itīs not like support in going my way, itīs more trying to change me.
Just an example: two years ago, I said that I wanted to learn to play violin. Nearly nobody said: Good idea, try it. The all already knew that I couldnīt play an instrument, that I am nonmusical. The instrument would "fit" for me (whatever that means).
But I did it anyway. And guess what? I am making progress i am far from being nonmusical.

And itīs not that they are pushing me in the same direction. There are people saying "You have to do this because you are white, you canīt do that because you are not black" and other people saying "You have to do that because you are black"....I feel teared up (or apart- whatever) between all that people knowing better.

I read somewhere "She tried expressing something with her body, but nobody listened"- thatīs a point. I am trying to express a lot on that non- verbal way.
And I am hurting myself a lot with that behavior. My fat is a way to say "*****, I am ot living to your standards!!" and on the other hand it says "I am not ok, I need help!".

Ok, itīs everything totally messed up....Iīll have to think of that again...

Kate

Boy, Kate, if your posts don't intrigue the heck out of me and make me sit back and think (I love that by the way). I understand about being torn with our bodies. I don't like keeping the extra weight for any "rebelling against conformity" reason, but I understand what you are saying. I don't necessarily want to conform to society's excruciatingly high standards of beauty, but I want to be comfortable in my own skin and love & accept myself, and it's hard to do when I have extra weight on my body.

I wouldn't listen to anyone telling you what you can and can't do. Do whatever the **** you want to do and don't feel like you have to apologize for it. I need to look in the mirror when I say that, but I think it's a healthy attitude to have in order to be more confident and assertive in everything we choose to do. I can't recall anyone ever telling me I couldn't do something; it probably would have made me want to do it anymore. I would have loved for someone to have said, "No way you can lose 150 something pounds by yourself" at the beginning of my journey. Proving others wrong would have been great motivation. Don't let anyone question your abilities. You know what you can do. They don't. Love ya, Kate.

Hi Kate. First of all..... <hug>......
Sounds to me like you already know what is right in your heart. and second, I don't know you, but i am proud of you for learning the violin. I play fiddle and I have for years. It is a really tough instrument to learn and you are doing it!

Hey Kate,

You're not alone when it comes to being bifurcated about fat. I believe it's rather common for a lot people to use fat to protect themselves, to seperate themselves from the mainstream and to tell everyone else to go to ****.

Still, there's that desire to be healthy. To feel comfortable in your own skin and be happy with your appearance.

When it comes to my Depression/Anxiety issues I have a similiar problem in regards to getting better. On one hand I want to be well. I'm tired of Depression and mood swings. On the other hand, I fear all the responsbility and change that comes with getting healthy.

I admire the fact that you don't allow others to tell you what to do. It's really easy for me to get discouraged. Thankfully I am surrounded by more positive influences than I was several years ago. Still, I find it extremely easy to give up on things I'm not sure about. (And I am not sure about anything.)

Kate,

Good for you for taking up the violin! I did too recently, and when I did one of the ladies at the music store where I take lessons said, "You know, I really admire you." I was completely perplexed--Admire me for what? She said, "For having the guts to try to learn to play this instrument as an adult and not caring what anyone else thinks about it. I would never have the courage to do it." It had seriously never occurred to me that just doing something I really wanted to do without caring what other people thought about it could make someone respect me.

I guess what I'm trying to say, to borrow a quote from Shakespeare, is "To thine own self be true..." and I've never heard it said better than this.

congrats on quitting smoking!! i have been struggling with this for months now and i totally admire you for giving it up! that is a huge step in treating yourself better in my opinion. the way i see it my eating habits, smoking etc are all ways that i punish myself. why do i punish myself?? because i am somehow not good enough for me. i listened for a lot of years from others also who told me who i should be and what i should do. and now at 38yo i am looking back on my life with regret for not pursuing my dreams. maybe that is why i think i deserve to be punished because i didn't follow my heart. i tried to do what everyone else thought i should and ignored my dreams.

whatever your dream is live it!!! if it's the violin then play it proudly!! you are a great person kate!!

Thank you all so much for your encouragement and all the kind words !!


HarpoChico:
Itīs not only that I donīt want to fit into societys standards, I have the very, very weird thought/ opinion deep inside of me, that being a non- smokers at a healthy weight means that you are 100% ok. And being 100% means that you are able to cope with everything...and worst of all, have no right to get support......Yeah, I really should wonder where I got my opinions from....
And I have a lot of issues with my mother. And I know that she would love having her daughter not overweight (oh, I canīt find the word for the opposite of overweight...itīs not skinny...waiter, a huge coffee please!). Sometimes I think losing weight is like giving in to my mother opinions about how I should be....
"Do whatever the **** you want to do and don't feel like you have to apologize for it. " Should write that on 1.854 pst-it notes and place them all over my room...

fiddler: Oh, a fellow adult learner!!
My experience was that a lot of people say: Oh, thatīs great, I wish I could do that as well. I actually inspired my neighbor to start learning the flute.
And a lot of people say: Oh, violin sounds SO HORRIBLE!! How can you do that to your neighbors and your mother??!! And your poor cat....

Hale_Mary: "On the other hand, I fear all the responsbility and change that comes with getting healthy"
I am really wondering where that thought: Healthy people are always happy, responsible and 100% ok came from.....After all, itīs a bit unrealistic....

catrinaH: Thanks !
Reminds me of my violin teacher who asked "Isnīt it FUN to lear such a difficult and demanding instrument??" Asking me that while I had to do something with my fourth finger on the E- string for what I normally would have to have a help from a surgeon first....

justjodi: Thanks, but I am "only" on my 10th day as non- smokers- I guess you have to survive 100 days to call yourself non- smoker...

Kate

Kate,
I enjoyed your post. When I decided to dance in spite of my fat my own head tried to get in the way. Part of that was my perception of what others might think. Most the time people are so self involved their encouragement or discouragement have nothing to do with you, and instead their own garbage.

One thing my dance teachers and yoga teachers often say towards the end of class is something along the lines of being appreciative of your body and the way that it serves you today. I find it amazing that after all the damage, all the fat, that my body does still serve me.

Have a beautiful day.
Two cents from Miss Chris

I am really wondering where that thought: Healthy people are always happy, responsible and 100% ok came from.....After all, it´s a bit unrealistic....

Touche. I believe it's more an issue of leaving one's comfort zone. I've been attempting to do this a lot lately. Taking classes, boxing lessons, going out instead of staying in.

I'm pretty sure that thought came from expectations. Either your own expectations or what you fear others will expect of you.

Kate, I wish I had some sage advice for you. But I don't, because I feel just the way you do.
I can give you a hug, though. You're very much loved and highly regarded here. For who you are NOW.

ellis: Thanks a lot !!

rochemist: Yup, youīre right. I am somehow the place where everybody can place (äähhh, know what I mean?) their garbage on, disguised as "good advice". I really have (had) a friend who strongly adviced me to quit my studies. It only would make myself feel bad because I am not able to study law. That comment made me very upset and I took my a time to figure it out: she wanted to study law herself, took a few classes but decided to quit because she tought she would be too old to study.
Well, sometimes a advice shows more about the person who is giving the advice then about the person who needs the advice....
Oh, and I am the in- officially Queen of Self- fullfilling prophecy. Just an example: my family (specially my brother) was very busy telling me that i am TOTALLY UNABLE to kick a ball. Or throw a ball. Or do something like that. Since then, when there is a sport with a ball, I immediately think: Oh, I anīt do that, I am so clumsy....I am totally blocked and end up doing something with a huge entertainment factor....I am wondering what I could do if I would be able to shut the voices in my head....I read a good sentence somewhere:
What would you do if you werenīt afraid?
Mmmhhh.....

Hale_Mary: For me, itīs really about "leaving the comfort zone"....which is terrible hard for me. Itīs two steps forwards, one back....
And maybe I watched to much TV where THEY (whoever) told me that skinny people are always leading a perfect life, 100% happy, able to cope with everything...
After all, the skinny me would be so much different from me now. Just less weight and a smaller dress size. Each other change of my person isnīt connected with my weight. Taking classes has nothing to do with weight, but I tend to say: I am doing that when I lost weight, and that makes losing weight so scary....
Oh, I guess I wouldnīt win the award for "Most reasonable Person".....

Kate

Just wanted to share two quotes (NOT from Muppets this time):

Dance like nobody's watching;
Love like you've never been hurt.
Sing like nobody's listening
Live like it's heaven on earth.
~Mark Twain~

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that frightens us most. We ask ourselves, 'Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, and famous?' Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that people won't feel insecure around you. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in all of us. And when we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”
Maryanne Williamson

“Fear of failure must never be a reason not to try something.”
Frederick Smith

I love quotes - I had an enormous collection and I changed computers and lost them - now I'm beginning to recollect them. I love the Williamson quote . . . it's exactly what I needed to read right now. I always feel like I'm holding myself back . . . and for what reason? Sometimes I think I'm more afraid of success than failure, if that makes any sense at all. Thanks Kate

Coach Carter had that quote I think(Williamson). I love quotes too, and have the irish quote on my desk at work...