Hear me out here, I'm sure I sound crazy.

I feel like there is this weight loss spectrum. On one side, is the denial and oblivion that has kept me overweight for years because I can (could) look in a mirror and, at 300lbs, be able to truly say "Oh, it's not too bad. Maybe a little off here and little off there and I'd look great." Then there is a gray area in the middle that is what I consider awareness. The name speaks for itself, but it just means I'm actually aware of how fat I am and the problems I'm having because of it. To me, that is the optimal area for weight loss. Then there is this other side. This side that is hyperaware of how fat I am and even what I eat, and focuses on it 24/7. It is such a bright focus that each moment that I'm fat is a painful moment. Everything I eat causes pain because it feels like it's only contributing to my being fat. Every moment I'm not exercising, I feel immense guilt. And forget about treats, they make me cry. Breathing has become painful. In the emotional sense. Oddly enough, this side makes me want to binge the most because of how painful it is... it becomes a vicious cycle where I binge because I'm in pain and I'm in pain because I binge. This side doesn't motivate me to get on a plan hardcore and lose the weight. It makes me feel stuck more than ever. You'd think it would push me to do something... but, no. What in the world has come over me?

A year ago, I was on the denial side, then I found my way to the nice center, lost some weight and swung over to the painfully aware side. I tell ya, give me some good ol' denial any day over this crap.

Does anyone know what I'm talking about? Any suggestions for how to get out of this?

I think there's something to what you say... I guess I deal with it by talking to myself a lot!!

You expressed yourself very well!

I don't think you're crazy at all, but I do think you need to get back to the healthy middle ground. The hyper-awareness is totally understandable, but it's not helping you.

Going beyond your diet to starvation or guilt over nourishing yourself doesn't add any benefits. Going beyond your exercise plan to overdoing it will only make you tired, sore, cranky, and your body will then expect the extra activity just to give you the same results.

A few coping strategies:
1. Give yourself a talking to. This is something like positive affirmations, but you need to mix in some common sense reminders that following your diet and exercise plan is good enough. Remind yourself that if you follow your plan, you will lose the weight. Remind yourself that it didn't get there overnight, and it won't go away overnight. And as it does come off, you're going to look and feel better and better. You won't have to wait till it's all off for that!
2. Remind yourself also that you need balance in your life. You shouldn't live to eat, but you shouldn't live to diet or exercise, either. Take the focus off your body and use it for your interests. If you've been putting off finishing a crafts project, spend 15-30 minutes a day finishing it. Clean the closet you've been meaning to get to, treat your dog to a walk in an area you don't get to often, check out a local museum you've never been to, splurge on some theater/concert/ballgame tickets, write or call your grandmother, join the book discussion group at your library or the local bookstore, volunteer in a literacy program or at a nursing home or for a political group.
3. Join a weight-loss group just for the face-to-face support. Meet people going through the same thing, people you can call or get together with when your anxiety gets you down.
4. If the above things won't work for you, if you can't get unstuck from the bad thought patterns, then consider seeing a doctor about getting anti-anxiety meds or anti-depressants. It doesn't mean you'll take them forever, and it doesn't mean you're nuts. They can help you regain your sense of proportion, that's all. And again, this suggestion is meant as a last resort, only if you try other things and can't shake this extreme.

Siena1383 - you expressed yourself really well, too!

There is a LOT to be said for the power of positive thinking!!! Tearing yourself down gets you nowhere. Research and find a plan you can stick with the rest of your life....check out the maintainers forum and the success threads for lots of inspiration. Give yourself the control - this includes portion controlled favorite foods (as long as they aren't trigger foods) and rest days from exercise....have faith in yourself....

And let us know how you are doing - we are ALWAYS here for you!!!

I get exactly what your saying. I feel the same way you do, about denial, balance and then the horrible self judgement thing where your plan becomes your punishment for becoming a fat person, not a kind thing we do for our bodies.

I try to think of my weight loss journey as rehabilitation. Say your a stroke patient. When you go to rehab they work with where you are now, not where you should be. They break your rehab into sections, you do some physio, some speech, some memory work, then things are further broken down into your specific goals. Do you want to learn to get out of bed on your own? Do you want to be able to remember movies or the names of your children?

So I have done a similar thing with weight loss. You need to be able to rehabilitate so you can live, so you can free yourself from this endless cycle of being dominated by your weight.

And the cool thing is, it has nothing to do with getting to goal.

Having done this now for 18 months, so much of my new lifestyle is now routine. It's 6.12am on a Monday morning, I've had a good breakfast, I've packed my gym bag ready to hit the gym after work, and I've packed my lunch. I did all this without really thinking about it.

Give yourself time, and give yourself a break. You are doing fabulously well, just don't let that inner fat chick undermine your confidence.

Lecture over

I have to tell you that the awareness side really is what stopped me in my tracks with my weight loss. I mean I had a similar situation where I was exercising, eating right, feeling good and losing weight. Then came the loose skin. It was really a blow to myself to feel the painful reality of my former weight and what I could look forward to my weight loss. It took me a while to get over that. Now I accept it and know that I am much better for having lost the weight I have lost. I am ready to push forward.

Wow, Nelie, congratulations on losing almost 100 pounds!!!

Madscientist, I hear you. The hypervigilance can sometimes come from having a plan that is just too tight. At any rate, a plan that doesn't have quite enough good food or too much exercise doesn't help that mental habit. The reason, I guess, is that you're always hungry and always tired and trying to stop yourself.

So, to get back into that middle area, add some variation into what you're doing. I don't mean "eat more" necessarily--but for instance, if you've been following a strict 1200 cal diet with turkey breast and egg whites, see whether you can use chicken breast for awhile, and maybe have a whole egg. (That is just an example because I don't know what you eat.) Be sure you feel full after a meal--not stuffed, just full. You can easily eat enough vegetables to achieve a full feeling without adding too many calories. Drink lots of water! If you are exercising, take a day off now and then to make sure your body can rebuild your muscles. Get enough protein.

All of these are strategies I've used when I seem to be slipping into that area of despair and obsession. Usually it's 'cause I'm pushing too hard.

Good luck! Stay with your goals and don't sweat the small stuff.

Jay

I think both extremes are examples of us giving our control over to food. The middle of the road is when we have control. I don't have any words of brilliance, but I wanted to say that I know how you feel. Sometimes what helps me is to look at this whole process with a long range view...Perfection is not helpful (for me). I will make mistakes and miss some days exercising but I pick up and do my best the next day. Try not to put so much pressure on yourself. This is truly a journey.

I hear you all . I get frustrated walking every night and eatting right and knowing I have to wait to be lean . I want to be thin NOW .
I am learning patience .

I've found the differnce is not to diet because you hate yourself but to diet because you love yourself. Makes all the difference and keeps you more balanced.