I need to rant.

I was diagnosed with major depression when I was 15. I was on medication for a few years... I stupidly stopped taking medication and stopped going to the doctor even thought I was told I would probably need to stay on anti-depressants for most of my life when I was almost 18... I don't know why but I was sick of being told that depression was just a state of mind that of not being able to get my license and some other stuff because of the medication I was on. I guess I just believed that I could get over it because people said I could. I guess I believed life would be better if I didn't have to take medication.

I did okay off of my medication for awhile. After about a year though it just all started coming back, all the things that the medication fixed. Slowly. And now it's like it's all there again. I live in the US now (I used to live in Canada) and now I can't afford to go to the doctor. I don't live with my parents so I couldn't afford the medication anyway.

But that's not it... People just don't seem to get it. My husband always says I should just get over it. Get over it? I wish I knew how to just get over it. I wish it was that simple. His mom is a nurse and thinks that people don't need medication or treatment to get over it either. So they just won't help. I feel so alone. Since I've moved I've hardly left the house and it's been over a year now. I have no friends or anything for support. I feel alone and like no one understands and that I'm just going to have to deal with this forever. I hate it, I especially hate the uncontrollable breaking out in crying and not knowing why almost everyday. I hate the back pain and/or headaches I get that sometimes won't even go away with painkillers. I hate how hard it is to get out of bed because I don't even see the point in getting up anymore.

I feel so alone. At this point I just feel like this is what I have to look forward to all my life.

Sweetie, you are NOT alone, and there are so many of us out here that know that first hand. 'They' certainly don't get it. I do wish that we could hand them our shoes for just our darkest hour, but I wouldn't wish this on anyone (permanently).

Maybe if you REALLY push yourself to get out it would help out? I know that the last thing you want to do is head out into the real world and interact with people, but it could make a world of difference! Lately my husband has been almost dragging me out of the house to go out to dinner or to the mall or something, just us, and I whine and b*tch and moan about it the whole time I'm getting ready, but by the time we're headed home, I always have to say 'thanks for making me get out anyway, I feel better'.

Can you hold a small volunteer position, even just on a trial basis? Going to work has worked wonders for me. I was really, really slipping into a deep depression (bipolar for me) and I started working part time, the night shift. I'm around people, but it's not full time so it doesn't stress me out. Sometimes the things we dread the most are the best things for us.

Take Miss Sue up on her offer to help find medication support. The meds alone may do the trick. Or you could research some herbal remedies that may be cheaper and better for you. Good ole sunlight helps alleviate depression for some people. I'm sure it's not a cure-all, but in your place, a little is better than none!

Good luck, and know that you are most definately not alone.

Kim

I started seeing a therapist as a child, and my parents used to abide by the "pick yourself up by your bootstraps" mentality. I would talk to my therapist about this and she arranged to have a series of meetings with my parents to educate them about the seriousness of the illness and that it is NOT all "in your head" meaning that you have the ability to change your mindset out of, say, suicidal depression and just *snap* back into normality. Maybe you can get your husband some reading material on the subject.

I just want to chime in here too to let you know you are not alone!

I sat home feeling sorry for myself for many years. I blamed it on my spinal injury that I couldn't work. I refused to go to the dr and try to make my pain go away, even though we had insurance. (this was just me and my own personal experience)

Finally a job opened up at my husband's co. I sent in my resume' and I had an interview literally the next day and started on Monday! It all happened so fast that I didn't even have time to think about it! (Which was good for me!)

My job is good for me because I can sit or stand whenever I need too, as long as the job is getting done, so it works out for my back. I started out on Days, but now I work nights and I love my shift. My job is okay, but I do like nights a lot better, like someone else mentioned, less people, usually a more relaxed environment and usually no BOSSES!! lol. If you don't like the thought of working "nights" maybe even a 2nd shift, still the same thing, less people, more relaxed, just not as late as 3rds, also they usually pay you more money for later shifts......

So maybe ask around to people you know, neighbors, church, etc and that way maybe you can get into a co. where at least you know one person, to make you feel more at ease.

Just at thought. I enjoy getting out of the house and being able to contribute to our bills and also the extra income is very nice! Also like someone mentioned, getting out and talking with people is nice too.

Maybe start with taking small walks outside the home. Sunshine can really help you feel better, I used to think, "yeah, yeah, whatever" but its true! I should know, I hardly see the sun and I can tell when I need to get outside during the day! Makes a BIG difference!

Unless you have been through it, it is very hard for anybody to "understand". All I can say is please don't give up. Even though I know some days you may think it is easier to just give up, keep going. Keep coming here, lots of wonderful people here all with different experiences and advice.