...when I came home from work today, I googled "How to be an anorexic". I don't know what to do w/ myself anymore. I am aware that many will look at my numbers and say "What does she have to worry about, she's not fat". Maybe not, but to me, I am. I get seriously disgusted with myself. There are days when I can do really well with eating and exersize and then something always happens. I either get very hungry and make poor choices, or I eat due to emotion..then I beat myself up for slipping up.

I tried to accept myself at my current size, but I can't even tell you the last time I looked at myself in the mirror and thought I had it goin' on. Even when getting intimate w/ my husband I worry about how I look or how the fat feels under his hands. It's so preoccupying.

Back in the day I did WW which worked well, but for the last GOd knows how many months, I can't get back into it. 3 days, and then it falls apart. I have tried counting calories, but it was so all consuming...my last effort was smaller portions. Worked well, until I threw myself off the wagon.

Part of me wants to give up. I want to be able to sit on the floor cross legged with out "stairs" of fat from my breasts to my lap. It's like I could use a slinky...

I am trying really hard to be a more confident person, but when I have failed yet again, it's really hard! I knnow all about that it's one thing to wallow in your own depression, but something else to do something about it, but I'm basically to the point of not wanting to try again because all my efforts have the same result.

When i lost weight before, I just decided one day that I was sick of being fat, and so I did WW, slowly and surely..but I can't get there mentally now. It's not part of my life to lose weight, it is my life.

When I lose weight, I feel great about myself and see so many things in a new light, but I can't lose weight, or when I gaiin it, it has the opposite effect on me. I tried to look at things in the effort of beiing healthy, so I ate better, but I ate food I really didn't like and missed the foods I wanted so badly, lke chocolate....I also felt that if I ate healthy and exerszed, that the results would help me to keep up with it, but I just go back to my old ways.

I just don't know what to do anymore...I'm not sure if I care anymore and I certainly don't know what I'm going to do. My goal was to get down to 145-150 by November ( fairly doable.."), but if I keep losing and gaining the same 4 lbs that I've been dealing wiith for more than a year...then why bother.

Why was I looking up anorexia? If I'm going to have a food obsessionn, it's better to avoid it then want it, I have no idea what i look like thin, I would have no idea if I'd recognize it when I got there...also, even when I do see siickeningly thing women out and about, I know that they are looked on wth a **** of a lot more favor than I am...to be able to stand with out your thighs touching? Is that even a reality? To have boobs that are not struggling for "air time" against my belly in my sillouette ( and I'm supposedd to be a pear shape? More like the whole fruit basket)

What am I looking for? I hve no idea, but I also have no where else to turn

I would suggest that maybe you see a counselor. I thought I had about the worst self-esteem possible but it sounds like you are right up there with me. Being skinny isn't going to make us like ourselves.

I feel the same way a lot of the time. I also lost a lot of weight and am now feeling like I can't understand how I can be so unhappy with a weight I would have been thrilled with a few years ago. I think when you have lost a lot of weight it is hard because unless you feel like you are perfect you still have that same really bad feeling you had when you were a lot heavier, neither of which is a good feeling. Once your self esteem gets tied to weight it is so hard to undo it, I have had ALOT of counseling and it still doesn't help.

I know how it is when you are trying to muster that motivation and it's like you are just disgusted enough with yourself to feel unhappy and bad, but not to the degree that you once were and not enough to really make you stick with anything, but it doesn't change how bad you feel when the weight isn't coming off.

For me the only thing that ever helped physically or psychologically was Atkins because once I was on it for a little while I honestly didn't feel deprived, it eliminated my cravings and hunger unlike any diet ever before, I felt in control, and it made me realize how much of my weight issues/cravings/inability to stay with a diet were not my fault but problems with insulin and blood sugar, so now I don't feel this tremendous sense of shame and I feel like I always have a failsafe with induction if things really get out of control. This isn't an Atkins plug, by the way, different things work for different people.


Maybe your problem is that Weight Watchers did the same for you but made you feel so deprived for so long that you don't want to go back to that feeling? I don't know, I am speculating. If that sounds at all plausible, I would suggest maybe trying a totally new diet, any new diet, that might make you feel motivated and in control, if you really think you need to lose weight. Maybe a few days on a liquid diet, something to really jumpstart you and make you feel that great, " wow it's coming off feeling! " You know you have done great and don't NEED to lose weight and should just be happy, but there is no point in saying that because I know how you feel and telling you to just accept yourself is kind of futile when you feel how you feel and you can't change it.

Anyway, hope this was a tiny bit helpful

Sometimes you just have to let yourself be. You sound so much like I used to be all my life (I'll be 58 in a few months).

I started at 143 at 14 yrs. old and at 53 was 288 lbs. I am now 237 and I lift weights 3x a week and do cardio 4x a week and I feel great. It has taken me 4 years to lose 40-50 lbs. I care to be healthy and I am on my way there. I work with a therapist on weight issues and we are finding out that underneath the obession with food lie other issues still not dealt with and I am the sanest one in my family!! One thing that has really helped me is fitday.com. I have been journaling my food for 4 years daily and it has made all the differnce in the world. When you know exactly what you're eating instead of what you think you're eating...you can enjoy those cheat foods!! I was happily married for 12 years until my husband passed away suddenly 3 years ago and now I find that dating is nearly not an option at my age just due to demographics, etc.

However, I am glad I am alive and willing to take care of myself. I don't beat myself up if I have something I really want because it just does no good...consequently I make good food choices most of the time because I no longer diet but use food as nourishment to keep me alive and healthy...much as I do the exercise which I pyschologically cannot do without. It makes me feel 35 again! I am starting grad school in the Fall and am past the worst part of my grief.

I could easily feel bad for all I've lost but I don't. This is life and you make the best of it. I don't know how old you are but honey life is so short and it can be taken from you in a heartbeat...I know 'cause my husband died right in front of me front a heartattack in less than 15 mintues...so nothing is a big issue anymore.

You can hate your body all you want but it's not productive...accept what you have and count your blessings...life is good if you focus on what you have instead of what you don't have.

Take care and write if you care to!

Carol

I agree with BeforeI'm35. I think you should consider seeing a counselor. It never hurts to talk to someone who is trained to listen & to help you figure out what your goals are. Big, big hugs to, hon, & I hope you are able to make peace with your body.

Hon...as anybody who's ever had an eating disorder can tell you, all you ever think about is food. There is no avoiding it. When you're not eating, food is on your mind 24/7. It's not worth it.

Thank you to all who have replied. I'm not sure what I'm going to do, but I have started with getting rid of my binge foods and packing a healthy lunch. My plan is to do a lot of reading on various diet/WOE philosophies and learn. I have started a journal that is only about my issues w/ body and food. I am not always this/that depressed, especially when I take my medication like I should,, but when I am depressed, I really, really am. When I eat well and work out Ii can look exactly the same but I think I look better...worrying about other women I see iisn't going to change my build nor will it change anything. I've also been doiing a lot of research on positive thinking and confidence issues. Rather than allow my confidence or lack there of in the weight loss area be so hinged to my happiness, I make lists of all the things I am good at or happy wth, and am working to allow my weight loss to be a side effect of that....

I don't think I'd do well on Atkins because I can't do the strictness of it. On WW I was never deprived. I understand how Atkins works, but I know that I could never make it a lifetime thing.

I really thank everyone for thier help. My birthday is in a few days. I'll be 28. I know its not old, but for some reason this one bugs me...hmmm...maybe it's all tied in? TOM is aroun the corner too...argh. Well, I can't change tomorrow but I can change today

I'm curious, are you exercising? When I started running it was like I was taking happy pills, I had more energy, was more cheerful, accomplished more in a day, and I developed some great body confidence. Of course at first I didn't want to do it, but I signed up for a 10k, so I felt I *had* to do it. Happy Birthday btw

-Aimee

Funny that you mentioned the running thing..I've been kind of looking into that, like the from couch to 5K things you can read about....

I notice that many of the runners in my area never have water with them...wierd! I do exercize, kind of..I go for a walk an hour a dayl, but have missed due to schedules and weather...I notice that when I exersize I do eat better and feel better....a definiate connection, now i just have to listen to it

If you want a new plan, and don't know what approach is right for you, try going to your public library and signing out the book "The Perfect Fit Diet", by Lisa Sanders, M.D. It is a book full of questions that once answered will guide you to the best diet for YOU. The philosophy is "why cram yourself into an unmanageable plan, if you can find one that fits you like a glove". Its worth a try.
I hear your frustration, and I am sure that you want the lbs to vanish RIGHT NOW. Take a breath, and make a decision, and then act...and keep in touch and let us know how you are doing!

Find something inspirational to cheer you up when you feel unable to cope. Sounds silly but with me it's a kids picture story book-The Incredibly Short but Happy Life of Riley. Can be anything. Sometimes our thoughts can get into such a negative pattern. We women are so hard on ourselves.

Hugs to you Optical Goddess. Life can sometimes seem overwhelming for so many reasons. I hope you are starting to get a handle back on yours.

If you are investigating different diets and trying to choose one, I highly recommend you pick up a copy of the 3 fat chicks book. It reviews the major diet plans and gives you the good and bad of each laid out in a simple manner. I really learned a lot from reading it.

I wish you the best through this rough time.