So It's late about 4:17 Am in the Morning in New Jersey and With a lot on my mind right now (as far as Post Graduation decisions ...Med school ). I try and grasp the idea how I ballooned up so much thus far and I realize, It has been the " I am not that fat ... Am I?" mentality. You ever see a picture of yourself and think to yourself, WOW AM I REALLY THAT BIG. Then you start to size everyone else in the picture, hoping they would appear bigger then they really are, so you can say its just the camera. In the TRUTH is most times its not.
For so many years I have lied to myself based on the clothes I wore or the people I hung around. Thinking that maybe If I squeeze into medium this would negate the fact that I truly am an extra large. Or If i hung around with 120 pound girls this would some how have Jed-eye mind trick on every one around me, and hoodwink spectators into thinking I am one of them. I have looked at Morbidly Obese people for years and have discounted myself out of being one of them, for the mare fact that "I do not see MYSELF" as one of them. Therefore I have been able to with years just let my self go, yoyoing between weights, (and not sizes because reality only comes to how you perceptually perceive it, so i continued to squeeze into the wrong size).
Its crazy, at my school there was this anorexic girl CLEARLY anorexic or bulimic, WHATEVER THE CASE she was bones, not even model skinny, but malnutrition skinny like " how do you survive each day" skinny. Some days when I would go to my school gym I would see her there working out on the elliptical and, I would just stare alone with other bystanders and I would think to myself " Who in the **** allowed her to come in here". But it seems as if no one cared to say a word just spectate from the side, believing that she knew what she was doing to her self when she possibly did not. It dawn on me tonight even though I am not that half ton woman, or morbidly obese as others, That i am the adverse anorexic. For years, pound by pound I have deprived myself from a taking a dose of reality. I HID. I hid my weight in tight and loose clothes, even though everyone can visually see that I am gaining weight. I Hid, by eating sweets in secrecy or cake (my kryptonite) afraid that some one would comment and say " you should not be eating That." Like that anorexic, food has cease the life out of me, but since you see more obese people on the earth ( in this General North America Location) than anorexics, you discredit your self from being " that bad". i have been to Africa and have seen people stare at me, the same way I visualized that anorexic girl, and It hurt so much. I had that " I am not that fat" reality, when I simply was and still am. This is why I praise God, for knowing that life has its turnarounds, and I may have fallen seven times but still there is that 8th and 9th and 10th time for a turn around. Reality is really about how you perceive it, I think its time for us to start facing reality as is (myself included). When that " I am not that Fat" creeps up in us, we need to stand firm and say " Yes I AM and I am going to do something about it. (And vice versus in terms of being skinny)

Its funny to me how big of stronghold my weight has been all my life, " My brother jokingly said the other day, " You will never ever stop drinking diet soda, like air You will need this for the rest of your life." And I was like wow " diet soda, fat free, sugar free, etc has really been my crutch since birth. Even though I am losing now, I still haven’t took control over the idea, that this TRULY should be LIFESTYLE CHANGE and not QUICK FIX, because " Weight loss isn’t a fun idea, exercise and restrictions are not fun. So this is me grabbing a dose of reality and putting it out there to my 3FC family that I really am ready have Carpe Diem type of reality, and truly cease life, defeating this Goliath which has held me Captive my 22 years of life and I thank you in advance for accompanying me during this journey.




(P.S. sorry for babbling, just had to get this off my chest to someone)

I kinda get what you're saying. In my mind, I'm overweight but not 'that' overweight. Then I see pictures and I'm shocked even though I shouldn't be.

i truly feel that i experience the SAME EXACT denial...like reverse anorexia where i look in the mirror and i see a normal sized person instead of the truth.. i wonder what is wrong w me sometimes but then i see myself in pictures and i realize that everything i see in the mirror is just ... not there...

I always had the "I'm not THAT fat" thinking. I would see pictures of myself, and I couldn't believe it...I just never felt that big! Of course I 'knew' that I was overweight, but I would tell myself that I 'carried it well'. So I think I know what you mean.

It's not denial--it's rationalizing. I did the same thing. I had lost a lot of weight, and after several years, it started to creep back on. I rationalized--"everyone has a pot belly"--"it's normal"--things like that. You convince yourself that it's okay to gain weight and have flab and whatnot.

It finally dawned on me a few months ago that I have to stop rationalizing. It's hard. Just a couple of weeks ago, I had a small setback (gained 4 pounds) and I realized once again I was rationalizing. I had gone out to dinner 3 times in 10 days and when the weight appeared, I rationalized that that was normal for what I had done. I should have buckled down the very next day each time I ate out, but I didn't. It took me a lot of work to re-lose those 4 pounds, but as of yesterday, I did.

I have to take this one day at a time. This is my lifestyle change. I don't want to look like I did. I want to look better and be healthy. I will not fail. I may fall, but I will get back up.

Congrats on the 4 pound victory!!! This is so so so true, like I am so sick of failing, it actually is angering me right now. I am so ready for change. Rationalizing is what kills many today, its not the cancer or high BP that kills us but its the rationalizing that its "NOT that Serious". When it truly is.
For years I have said well I dont have diabetes, or high bp or high cholesterol, so I am not that fat or dont have much to worry about YET, but who knows what tomorrow may bring.

There was a lot of denial for me when I started getting close to 200 lbs. I quit weighing myself. I quit shopping for clothes (wanted to avoid sizes/dressing room mirrors). I quit posing for pictures (because the camera does NOT lie, there are so few pictures of me it was hard to find "before" pictures). I quit looking down at myself in the shower. I thought I was a "big" girl, not fat.

My turning point was in July 2004. I went to sit down at a movie theatre restroom and I cut the outside of my left thigh on a sharp-edged metal trash can. I realized that a normal-sized person's thigh wouldn't be anywhere near that trashcan - I was not a "big" girl, I was a fat girl and I was almost too fat for a public restroom stall.

I realized if I didn't do something, the weight would just keep creeping up and up. It took a little dose of reality to shake me from my denial.

I get what you are saying~~ its the same thing that an anorexic goes through...the see them selves as fat, obese....when in REALITY they are not. the mind is a powerful thing and we can all reason our way to the point that our eyes see what we want in the mirror.

My weight is the same as it was before I had leukemia and I still see myself that way, but when I see a picture of myself at my current weight i am like "man, that what I look like!"...so even though my weight is the same, i have a bit of ways to go before I look they way i did before i got sick...

This is exactly how I felt/feel. I used to see a MUCH thinner girl in the mirror at my HW and now I think I sometimes see a much fatter girl in the mirror! Go figure.

I do this, too!

I know what you mean....after losing almost 50 lbs, I sometimes feel fatter than ever.

I used to think that I "wasn't that fat". I thought I was big-boned and that nobody would guess how much I really weighed. But, when I saw pictures, I knew I was much fatter than I had thought. Now that I've lost 87lbs. , I still see myself as bigger than I am. Others tell me I look great but I don't usually see it. I nit-pick more now about a slight amount of extra weight on tummy than I did when there was a large amount of fat there.

I totally agree. I didn't feel fat. I didn't act fat. When I happened to walk past a mirror that showed more of me than chest up, I was SHOCKED. That was not me in that mirror! How could I let myself get that big? I've got to do something about that! It took 5 years of saying "I've got to do something about that" before I finally started to doing something about it! I still look at myself (and yes, I went out and bought a full length mirror so I HAVE to look at myself) and say "that isn't me!" I don't feel that fat! But I am, and I have to face it, and I have to get rid of it! So, Hasta la vista, poundage!

I talked to myself that way for years. "I'm not THAT fat", "I was just meant to be heavy", "I don't look THAT bad", etc. etc. etc. I was in a sort of denial for years. Well, maybe not denial, but trying to talk myself into being happy with myself at a HIGH weight. The final straw was when I saw pictures of myself at Christmas 2004. That was when I finally realized that I really WAS that fat. That the person I saw in the mirror WAS that heavy and DID look that bad. I too saw a thinner person in the mirror. I cried when I saw those pictures and realized that one of my worst fears had come true. I was obese. So, I did something about it and it was the best decision that I ever made. But, like you, when I look in the mirror now, I see someone heavier instead of seeing the thin person that I really am. It's funny how one's mind works.

All I can say is DITTO! haha