THE MIDDLE WIFE
By an Anonymous
2nd grade teacher

I've been teaching now for about fifteen years. I have two kids
myself, but the best birth story I know is the one I saw in my own
second-grade classroom a few years back.

When I was a kid, I loved show-and-tell. So I always have a few
sessions with my students. It helps them get over shyness and
usually, show- and-tell is pretty tame. Kids bring in pet turtles,
model airplanes, pictures of fish they catch, stuff like that. And
I never, ever place any boundaries or limitations on them. If they
want to lug it in to school and talk about it, they're welcome.

Well, one day this little girl, Erica, a very bright, very
outgoing kid, takes her turn and waddles up to the front of the
class with a pillow stuffed under her sweater. She holds up a
snapshot of an infant.

"This is Luke, my baby brother, and I'm going to tell you
about his birthday. First, Mom and Dad made him as a symbol of their
love, and then Dad put a seed in my Mom's stomach, and Luke grew in
there. He ate for nine months through an umbrella cord."

[She's standing there with her hands on the pillow, and I'm
trying not to laugh and wishing I had my camcorder with me. The
kids are watching her in amazement.]

"Then, about two Saturdays ago, my Mom starts saying and going,
'Oh, oh, oh, oh!' " [Erica puts a hand behind her back and groans.]
"She walked around the house for, like an hour, 'Oh, oh, oh!'

[Now this kid is doing a hysterical duck walk and groaning.]

"My Dad called the middle wife. She delivers babies, but she doesn't
have a sign on the car like the Domino's man. They got my Mom to lie
down in bed like this." [Then Erica lies down with her back against the
wall.]

"And then, pop! My Mom had this bag of water she kept in there in case
he got thirsty, and it just blew up and spilled all over the bed, like
psshhheew!"

[This kid has her legs spread and with her little hands are miming water
flowing away. It was too much!]

"Then the middle wife starts saying 'push, push,' and 'breathe,
breathe.' They started counting, but never even got past ten. Then, all
of a sudden, out comes my brother.
He was covered in yucky stuff, they all said it was from Mom's
play-center!, so there must
be a lot of stuff inside there."

[Then Erica stood up, took a big theatrical bow and returned to her
seat. I'm sure I applauded the loudest. Ever since then, if it's
show-and-tell day, I bring my camcorder, just in case another Erica
comes along.