Hi, girls. Does anybody remember me?

My name is Mel. I'm nine months pregnant. I'm having a C-section on June 9th (2 weeks from now). I've gained well over 50 lbs. during this pregnancy and already started out 40 lbs. overweight. So I guess right now...I'm 90 lbs. overweight.

I have been reading one of Geneen Roth's books. I can't remember the title and I'm too lazy to get up right now but it isn't Feeding the Hungry Heart; it's the other one.

She says there are reasons people want to stay fat. Well, only 2 days into trying to eat when I was hungry, etc., I binged bigtime. Now I know I'm even fatter.

I don't know if it's ok to say this, but I feel like it goes back to sexual abuse, and never wanting to be sexually abused again. It hadn't happened to me for 20 years. Then, this past Christmas, my FIL was getting more and more flirtatious with me and weird, and finally it culminated in him "joking" to the entire family at Xmas that he was the one who got me pregnant, and the whole thing blew up in MY face. My MIL didn't hear it, and she started calling people to grill them and tell them ALL about it and humiliate me further. It was horrifying.

Since then I've been eating worse than ever. I *think* I want to lose weight (well, being pregnant, at least stay at a stable weight) but as soon as I lose one pound, or stabilize, I FREAK OUT and my body goes out of control and I can't stop eating. A horrible sadness and loneliness and fear overwhelms me...and it makes me eat...eat...eat...eat...eat...eat.

Another thing is, when I lost weight, my BIL kissed me on the mouth. And kept making comments about how good I looked. BIL's aren't supposed to kiss you on the mouth...right? My other BIL never has. Never ever in 13 years of marriage to my sister!

So I know what's going on here. I want to be thin...b/c being fat, I get majorly abused by people (I hear it from EVERYBODY, living in Los Angeles/Land of the Plastic Women). But when I'm thin, I get sexually attacked, or close enough to it.

So there is no way out. NO way out. I am trapped. I'm trapped now and forever.

There is no answer.

Some days, I just want to die. If I died, then I would never have to feel this way anymore.

I don't know what to do...does anybody else feel like me? Anybody at all?

And...how come when it comes to sexual abuse, the victim is always revictimized? How come she can NEVER win? How come...she's allowed to be hurt over & over again? Is it a punishment?

Mel, welcome back, sweetie.
It's not a punishment, Mel. Never think that. It's only that you haven't dealt with what's happened to you. You haven't yet learned the skills to stop the pattern repeating.
What's happening to you with your FIL... if that happened to me or to someone else who's never been sexually abused, we'd immediately deal with it. Very forcefully. Personally, I'd make out a police report, and have a restraining order placed on him.
And if my husband was unsupportive... I'd have to leave. What you're going through is horrendous, Mel. You're needing the tools to deal with this, and you've got to go out and get them.

It's not your fault this happened to you, hon, but you're the only one who can stop it. Being pregnant, I know you're very vulnerable right now. But you've got to make a move. You've got to talk to a professional about this and get help. Don't put your children through this. Don't let them grow up in an atmosphere of abuse. Love and hugs...

There are a few links here...
http://www.rainn.org/what-should-i-do/index.html
http://www.coolnurse.com/sexual_abuse.htm
These aren't professional sites, but have some good stuff, I think:
http://survivor.inherpalm.com/index2.html
http://www.dancinginthedarkness.com/index.php

Hi Mel!

First: Congratulations to your baby! (If thatīs the right things to say...Just wanted to say: Hey, thatīs wonderful! You get a baby! Wow!)

I read the Geneen Roth book as well. And, as you do, I donīt remember the titel. And if I would remember the title, it would be the German title and that wouldnīt help that much.

ANYWAY. I feel pretty much as you do concerning that "reasons to stay fat"- issue. (I already wrote about that in the thread "If weight and binges wouldnīt be connected" (Sorry, I canīt make a link....)) And that is a HUGE (no pun intended) topic for me. I have no "experiences" with abuse, but I had a lot of bad expierences in my life.

I was touched by your post. You really seem to be at a very low point in your life....Suffering from depression, an ED and a few other things I know how it feels like when you think that it would better not to live anymore. I went through that several times. But believe me, itīs the badest option you have!!Whatever you do, donīt give up, donīt let that thoughts rule you!!
I donīt know what to say, what could help you...It sounds like pathetic phrases, but some of them are quite right. Even if the sounds as if I just copied a few postcard slogans here.

And unfortunately I have no real idea how to solve the problem.
I try one thing: to gain the strength and power I somehow think my fat has for myself. I can describe it properly...It tooks a few days to go from a feeling to a thought I can put in words- and then I have to translate the thought...
Anyway. You know, my fat should protect me from men who "go to far". But do I have a garantuee that I want be attacked being fat? No. So being fat is no help at all- and in my case a disadvantage: I am not only fat, I am unfit. So if it comes to worst I have just a few options to punch, to run, whatever....So what about gaining physical strength?

You know....have no idea. I have to think of it a bit more.

But, excuse me, what kind of family do you have???? Your father in law and your brother in law (took me quite a while to figure that out!) are *******. It sad that yu have to hurt yourself because of them!

Well, I think I am just rambling and that isnīt helping you that much.

Take good care of yourself (and your baby)!

Kate

Welcome back, MTT... This may get long, so bear with me. I am recallling your post from a few months back, as well.

First, your FIL is sick and has spread his sickness to his family. Maybe your husband, maybe not, I don't know him, only you can decide that in the end. It happens. The FIL raised and influenced these people and they accept his behavior because it seems "normal" to them. They behave like animals and won't back you up because they don't see anything wrong with how they live, and probably never will. That is something you have to face. They will not change. You have to learn how to fight back, or you have to get out. That is harsh, and it's easy for a stranger to say "get out" - I know that will be almost impossible with children (my mom had the same issue). Hopefully the links Ellis provided will help you figure out how to leave if you need to. Women's shelters are there for a reason - use them, they want to help you. (I had a friend who volunteered at one, and I visited a counselor at one once, they really want to help.) Also, consider that your children are going to be raised in this toxic environment. Do you want them to turn out to be like your brothers and sisters in law? If your husband does nothing to counteract the family's evil, then it is only you to provide them an example - are you alone enough to counteract the garbage the family will provide?

Second, some sexual abuse survivor material or counseling will help you learn how to avoid or fight back against people who are abusive. You need to lose your victim mindframe or you will always be treated this way. Let me back up... I was molested by at least two of my stepfathers and maybe someone else when I was too young to have memories. As I grew up I was afraid of every male I knew. But that fear and the way we act when we have been abused is a big flashing sign to the men who do this crap. They can read us like a book and instinctively they almost "know" that we will take it and not fight back. One night I was working alone in a store and the guy who owned the furniture store next door came over, very late, knowing there would be no customers either. He tried to corner me behind the counter. He knew - he knew I was too young and scared and that I would be a victim. (I was lucky that a co-worker decided to drop by the store for no reason, maybe to check on me... I had mentioned that that man made me uncomfortable... She showed up and he left. I made her stay with me until closing.) I was fat then, too, and I'm not attractive at all. It has nothing to do with how we look, it has everything to do with "smelling" like "prey." Being fat does not keep us safe. Our attitude, our strength, our absolute refusal to be a victim any longer is all that will keep us safe.

But you have to learn that - I had to learn that. I spent years self-counseling and reading and reasearching. It took forever. Go to a women's shelter and speak with a counselor. Even if you don't leave right away, just talk to someone at the shelter. You need a professional to give you advice. I didn't leave my first husband right away after going to the shelter and speaking with the counselor, but I learned some important things and eventually got the inner strength to decide that I was important enough to care about. Eventually I did leave him, because he didn't care about me, only himself.

Going it alone will take years... do your children have those years to spare? Get some help, please.

Well.... sorry to go on so long. I'm shaking as I type. I have a pretty good handle on my abuse background these days, but I don't dwell on it much anymore so this is... upsetting. But it's important for me to share this stuff with someone else who is suffering. I am not ashamed, nor should you be. It was not my fault and this is not your fault. Not all men are predators. Not all men are bad. But some are. And it is their fault. They are weak and sick and will prey on those who appear weaker than they are. Get some help to get strong.

Take care,

Lala

(((MEL)))

MTT, sadly I know exactly what you're talking about and going through. I am in the same situation. I too posted on the thread Kate109 did http://www.3fatchicks.com/forum/showthread.php?t=84778 (link) and vented all my frustrations about that. When I got "thin" (145 lbs) I got sexually assaulted on SEVERAL occasions by many different men. As a woman who was not used to that sort of attention because I had been fat all my life (my high was 268 lbs), I just had no idea how to deal with it. These things happend to me at every job I have had since I lost all my weight, including when I worked for FEMA. but anyway it got so bad my binging got out of control, like I just didn't care, I wanted to be fat, I wanted men to just leave me alone. I got up to almost 170 lbs, but figured i was still unhappy being fat. So I started losing weight again, now I am down 158 lbs and guess what? I have already been sexually violated by a co-worker and this has been going on for a few weeks, he doesnt seem to understand that I don't want to be with him, and a few days ago even threatened that I'd "go blind" if I didn't give him a chance and actually said the words "if you can't be with me then you can't be with anybody" cliche stalker words, I know, but it was said. He has definitely become a crazy stalker to me, if you look at my cell phone I have 30 missed calls from him from when he calls and I dont answer. it's scary and I'm sooo pissed that I am doing so well with my eating and exercising, but it's getting ruined by yet another man.

because of all this my self confidence and self worth is totally shattered, I don't know what I am, what to do, where I stand, nothing. I feel sad most of the time. I'm not in a relationship now and don't feel like I ever can be.

oh i'm going off again.. i'm sorry. i just wanted to let you know I know how you feel and you're not alone.

I want to say thank you for all the support and all the great advice. I am in tears for the other girls here who have gone through abuse. You were brave to talk about it and I am so grateful. It is so hard and it never really goes away, I know.

I agree on the victim mentality--I definitely think I do put off that "scent" that the person can do whatever he wants and I might make a fuss but he won't really be "in trouble". In fact, the stuff with my FIL went on for a full nine months before it all came to a blowup. Although I did sob to my DH almost nightly about it, begging him to do something. I mean I hardly knew these people and he expected *me* to do something, even though nobody in the family who has known this guy for 17 years (he's DS's stepfather) can't stand up to him???????? But I didn't see that irony.

I did, however, create enough of a fuss that the entire family did know about that. I didn't just lie down and back off when MIL went on her attack. And I stopped all contact with MIL and FIL for about three months following all the stuff in December. I was NOT going to back down and be nice and quiet so as "not to embarrass anyone". So at least I've made a few strides in the many years since my more serious abuse.

FIL hasn't said/done anything since then, and I if he does, I will literally hit him if he does. I am resolved to that too. I have gone over and over it in my mind and if he tries ANYTHING I will just pretend I'm someone else (this always gives me courage) and literally get into his face and scream at him, "BACK OFF, old man, or I will take my children and return to the east coast and you and your wife will never see them again." (I am originally from the east coast and came here under what I now feel were completely false pretenses.) I have gone over a hundred scenarios in my head and this is the one I think will work...because either he does back off...OR I GO. Period.

I am grateful to the links above which could come in handy should it come to that.

I also appreciate the viewpoints about losing weight/becoming more of a victim, or not. That being fat might not help any, anyway. And thank you to the lady from Germany who suggested classes to get physically strong. That might help. I am going to do that as soon as this baby comes.

Thanks again, and sorry this is so long.