:O( Well, I asked my guy if it would be ok if I went to the next show with a girlfriend or alone, and explained how I felt about his excessive staring at the festival and how bad it made me feel (from thread: "Comfort :O(" ), and how I really didnt want to set myself up to feel that way again. I was VERY nice about it, I didnt try to make him feel guilty, and I talked about how I know I need to change the way I look...

Well now he wont touch me :O(. He sat there and stared and looked depressed for a long time, wouldnt respond more than a word or two to anything I said. He wouldnt explain what his feelings were. I told him I felt like he was punishing me. He said "sorry" and hugged me. He told me he loved me at some point, but it didnt have the feeling of any sort of love behind it, just felt like he meant it in a general, plutonic way... and he wouldnt kiss or touch me.

I think he is going to leave me now. I think he doesnt want me intruding on what he wants to do (which includes lusting after women in front of me -no, rather, when and where he wants)... I think he was embarrassed that I was aware of what was going on in his head... embarrassed that it is out there in the open between us... that I know he really wants one of those girls and is just killing time with me.

I know you say well who wants a guy like that anyway? But he really is very, very nice to me... he says very nice things to me, he does nice things for me, he never puts me down, he is helpful and tries to make me happy. Its just that he wants a different box than the one I come in, and he cant hide it.

Oh well, thats what happens to fat girls with mediocre looks, right? I mean I can improve things as far as I can get my body to go, so it wont always be quite as bad...

I just really... I want to be desired. I told him that. Yeah, right, and Hitler just wanted to be understood. Tough luck, fat girl. But I did also say right after that that I know I need to change the way I look... and he knows Im working at it, so it wasnt like I was saying he has to pretend to desire me as I am, though he might have felt that way.

Anyway, theres more but Im getting mental blockage now. thanks for letting me ramble here.

Oh Honey,
Life is too short for you to be so hard on yourself. Believe me, I remember how it was to be in love and feel like the guy is everything to you. But, as cliche as it many sound, YOU have to be everything to YOU! When a man is skirt gazing, he isn't making you happy - he never will. A man will always look at a pretty girl, just like a woman will look at a handsome man, but it's different when the staring involves forgetting that you are even there. It doesn't matter what package you come in - you deserve respect and caring. I truly believe that the man that is destined for you is out there, and then the staring will be AT YOU. Continue on your journey to health - do not let this discourage you. If he stays, ok, and if he goes you just put on your walking shoes, turn your back and keep moving. No man - no person for that matter - is worth your self esteem. You have always been an encouragement to the gals in this forum, and with a heart like yours I know that the world is at your doorstep! KEEP IT UP FOR YOU!

Barb

Okay, STOP IT. RIGHT NOW. The negative self-talk gets you abosolutely NOWHERE.

You DESERVE to be with someone who loves you from the inside out. Don't waste your young years with someone that cannot respect you enough to not embarrass you publically like that.

And as for changing so he will desire you--SCREW THAT!! Change for YOU and only YOU!!

I'll drink to that!

lol

If there's any awkwardness at all, there's almost NO QUESTION about the space between the two of you. If he were comfortable, he'd tell you exactly how he felt when you brought it up to him. To me, it seems a bit obvious that this guy doesnt deserve you because he can't show his appeciation. Words alone mean nothing, but the person saying them has to truly express it and mean in a way that makes you know that there's NO DOUBT in your relationship at all.

Younger guys have a tendency to be ashamed- but come on! HE SHOULD BE. Hes staring at other girls with a certain BODY type. Doesn't that make him shallow? Shouldn't being shallow be something to be ashamed of? My opinion. Even if there was silence, you shouldn't go on with him any further. Do you really really really like him that much to keep him? If you knew he liked staring at other girls but "kill time" with you anyway, would you still want him?

Darling, when you're a fox, this boy's gonna wish he never stared at other girls, ever. You're on your way, trust me. Trust yourself. This is how we do it.

Do not let yourself down- you did nothing wrong. Confidence is the key to the next level. You can't bash yourself for being born for what you look like, but you can make simple changes to your life that in the end will serve as the better. Please realize that there are more guys in your future, one of which will eventually steal your heart and prove that he;s worthy of being a partner. There are also many out there who have intentions to make your heart break and you'd wish you'd never love in your life. But stop here- look on the bright side, you've learned something. You won't make the same mistake again. And you'll never curse yourself for something that was his fault. You should always be on your side (providing youve done nothing wrong, and in this case, I don't believe you have) and you'll always be your number one fan, cheering yourself on til you reach that goal of yours. Being desired by guys is great, but what good is it if the guy's not worth a penny? FInd yourself another male who can appreciate you for who you are.

Well as a fat girl with mediocre looks myself, I can tell you that there are some fabulous guys out there. I know, I married one. He never does anything that makes me feel worse about myself and manages to be encouraging about my weight loss without making it seem like there was anything wrong with the way I was before. There's one out there for you, too.

You sound very young and it may take some time, but eventually you will really believe that you deserve better than someone who makes you feel bad about yourself and is emotionally distant. Hang in there.

Thank you so much for the support, so so much.

I understand the things yall are saying, I wish I had your strength. Most of what each of you said made me feel good, and I wish I had yall living inside my head 24/7!

I just have an impossible time of convincing myself that I could be as valuable to a man as a beautiful woman. I dont know after, oh, maybe 18 years of feeling this way how I am to change it. Especially in the world we live in.

I truly envy the positive thinking.

I have been through all sorts of different types of fellas... I may sound like a naive teenager, but I am 29. But I do not believe that there is necessarily anyone out there who is going to be so accepting of me unless I am small.

It has never happened before... and I have dated my whole life, fairly constantly. Sure a couple of guys have wanted me fat, but they didnt really have much too offer (not bright, not very interesting or unique or ingenuitive or inspired to do much of anything...). No one I have found any interest in.

No I will not be ruined if he leaves, if he leaves that is fine. Granted I will cry and feel bad and think of all the things I could have done and been to make that not happen, but Ill get over it soon. And more time will I have to concentrate on my goal.

But still I cant pretend that the whole situation doesnt make me feel really bad about myself.

I know yall say I should be instead with a man who doesnt make me feel like that around other women, but there are a couple of problems with that. Where are they? There has been a long dry spell since Ive been my biggest, sprinkled with a few of the forementioned dull guys. I dont feel like going back to that just yet... I like having the attention and the warmth of a guy I actually LIKE... it had just been so long since I had that, and Ive really been enjoying it, save for this issue.

I know we cant continue forever like this, I KNOW I need a guy who doesnt make me feel inferior to other women. I guess I just am not ready to be alone.

Why does your self-esteem have to be measured by whether or not there is a man in your life? YOU ARE ENOUGH!!

Take some time to discover who YOU really are. I think you will be pleasantly surprised!

WHAT JEN SAID!

Take a look around this board. You'll find lots fat women who are are happily married to wonderful men who love us from the inside out. We are the rule - not the exception to it! But, you gotta love yourself before anybody else can. So, acknowledge what you like about yourself and keep working to improve the things you don't. Build your confidence and then let it shine because THAT is what determines how "pretty" people think you are.

Haven't you ever met a guy that you didn't think twice about until you got to know him? Then, he's especially funny (or whatever trait you like) and all of a sudden he's really good looking? Trust me. The same thing happens to men. My husband can look at cookie cutter pretty girls all day long (heck, I have trouble not staring at those women) but that doesn't mean he thinks they can hold a candle to ME. You didn't turn out to be what this guy is looking for on the outside or otherwise. So what? That isn't a reflection of the person you are...it is a reflection of what he's looking for. That doesn't make him a terrible person but it doesn't mean you aren't worthy enough for anyone else either. Really!

[QUOTE=PeeBI know you say well who wants a guy like that anyway? But he really is very, very nice to me... he says very nice things to me, he does nice things for me, he never puts me down, he is helpful and tries to make me happy. Its just that he wants a different box than the one I come in, and he cant hide it. [/QUOTE]

Take it from some one who's in your position right now. Being nice to you and doing nice things for you is probably nothing different than he'd do for his best friend. Lusting for other women in front of you is not nice, and not respectful. And if changing your "box" is going to make him lust for you like he does other women, then he's shallow and superficial and doesn't deserve you. A healthy relationship is based on what's on the inside, not what's on the outside. And in my experience, those that come in pretty "boxes", are usually empty on the inside. It's just pretty ribbons and paper outside, and rocks on the inside.

I know what you are feeling. My hubby and I are literally "just friends", roomates living in the same house together. He's nice to me, does nice things for me, talks kindly to me, but rejects me over and over and over again in the "hubby/wife" department.

I remember once about a year ago. We were sitting at the gas pump, and the guy next to us was checking me out pretty hard. Made hubby furious. I looked at him in wonder and asked, "why do you care? You don't want me, is it so out of this world to think somebody else just MIGHT find me attactive?" well, that made him even madder. Its kinda like, he doesn't want or desire me, but he doesnt want anybody else to either. very confusing.

[QUOTE=PeeB]



It has never happened before... and I have dated my whole life, fairly constantly. Sure a couple of guys have wanted me fat, but they didnt really have much too offer (not bright, not very interesting or unique or ingenuitive or inspired to do much of anything...). No one I have found any interest in.



There has been a long dry spell since Ive been my biggest, sprinkled with a few of the forementioned dull guys. I dont feel like going back to that just yet... I like having the attention and the warmth of a guy I actually LIKE... it had just been so long since I had that, and Ive really been enjoying it, save for this issue.

Okay, see, THIS is what I meant by my post. These guys you've described aren't necessarily unworthy or terrible - they just aren't what YOU are looking for. There is nothing wrong with recognizing that and moving on to look for the total packge (as defined by you). So, why on Earth do you feel bad because you happend not to be this guy's total package? I'm not suggesting you shouldn't feel bad that it might not work out but you certainly shouldn't feel bad about YOU.

Mel Im sorry he treats you like that, and geez, that really isnt fair. But ha Im glad you said something.

Lucky thank you, I will try to keep this in my brain,

"There is nothing wrong with recognizing that and moving on to look for the total packge (as defined by you). So, why on Earth do you feel bad because you happend not to be this guy's total package? I'm not suggesting you shouldn't feel bad that it might not work out but you certainly shouldn't feel bad about YOU."

I will try, but Im not sure how, but it makes sense when you say it!! If I step back from things its easier to see.

"Take it from some one who's in your position right now. Being nice to you and doing nice things for you is probably nothing different than he'd do for his best friend. Lusting for other women in front of you is not nice, and not respectful. And if changing your "box" is going to make him lust for you like he does other women, then he's shallow and superficial and doesn't deserve you. A healthy relationship is based on what's on the inside, not what's on the outside."

thank you Mel, for this support.


I cant figure out how to quote a message. I see the option below, "Quote Message in Reply?" but nothing happens when I click it. Then I try highlighting the message and clicking that box, thats not how it works either.
Can someone enlighten me?

I may be wrong, but i feel that there's a big communication gap here. He might be acting quiet and hurt because you told him you didn't want to go to the next concert with him, not because he wants another woman....or am I like totally outa the ballpark here??

But do you love him?

I went through this before and even got engaged to the guy before I asked myself that exact question. I know how hard it is to be by yourself (I'm now a single mom) but you need to learn to be able to live with yourself and be happy before you can expect to be happy with someone else in your life.

You sound like me not even a year ago. I have since decided that the only person who can change my life is me. It takes work, alot of hard work but it's worth it. Write up a list of characteristics you like about yourself everything you can think of, then write up a list of everything you think you can improve on, now rewrite that list as if you have done it all or are in the process of doing it (eg, I lose fat quickly and easily) write it all positive do not use the word not. Eg, instead of: I am not fat, say: I am fit, slim, ...
Read this list to yourself at least once a day, more if you can. Also any time you find yourself thinking negative thoughts replace it with a positive one.

It is not an overnight change, it takes time and commitment.