This new guy really took his time with me. Examined me very carefully. Took down ALL of my surgical history and I felt was very competent and responsible.

The verdict is, no go on the abdominoplasty. Too high risk for the following reasons.

1. Not only do I have lateral scars from previous gastroplasty, I have a very large diagonal scar from gall bladder with complications which required widening the scar. This was done nearly 25 years ago. My entire abdomen from belly button up is covered with mesh and under the mesh the hernia repair is NOT intact with mutiple openings. To prevent necrosis (death) of the tissue under the scars he would have to be able to pull down enough loose skin to cut off the entire scar and that means WAY higher than my belly button which is the usual cut line. He can't open the skin above the belly button for greater pull because of the mess with the hernias. And he can't pull it down far enough to allow such a radical cut.

2. I've been so malnourished for so many years now he has NO confidence in my overall wellness in terms of handling the healing process even if he was able to make the cut.

3. I crashed hard in recovery due to my Raynaud's Syndrome last time with only the breast reduction. Pressure dropped to 50/20 and it was a huge crisis.

4. I'm allergic to ALL narcotics and pain management is another big problem.

5. I have a history of serious palpitations.


So... there we have it. I have some major rearranging to do in my head.

Ahhhh Hubs
I'm really sorry to hear that. I've followed your story through all the threads and I was so hoping this would turn out the way you hoped. You have so much courage and determination. In spite of your setbacks you always have an encouraging word for others. Did they doctor say you had any other alternatives?

I'm glad you had a good surgeon talking you through it, but it's still pretty sucky. I haven't had WLS, but I have had gall bladder surgery, and I had complications too, and a big scar. And managed to nearly die thanks to previously undiscovered reaction I have to morphine. So no elective surgery for me either.

It's hard to come to terms with how we look after losing weight. I still have a ways to go yet, but there's signs that my tummy is never going to look pretty.

I'm sorry. You'll be in my thoughts & prayers as you deal with the news. I'm glad he was thorough and you feel you got a good opinion at least.

oh hubs, honey. this is such a blow in some ways, but at least you know where you stand. that line about being so malnourished for so many years just tears me apart.

you have done SO MUCH and SO WONDERFULLY you have every right and reason to stand tall and proud. and we'll be here to help you do that.

you're a wonder - in many ways.

I'm sorry you got the news you didn't want to hear, Hubs. I can't imagine going into surgery with even one of the problems you listed though. I am happy that the surgeon who examined you was so thorough and concerned about your health.

You are so much more than your extra belly and risking your life to have it gone just isn't worth it. I hope that while you're doing all that rearranging in your head, you'll take into consideration all the respect and admiration you have from people here!

Chickadee

This has been a really strange time for me. It goes so deep I'm not sure I can find any words to describe what I feel.

I know I should feel strong and good about what I've accomplished with my body and OWN the success. In my head I know that. Yesterday, I was outside cleaning my car and a good friend who I haven't seen much of this past while drove up behind me (he drives a cab) and stood there with a funny look on my face. I asked him what was up. He said you know, if you lose any more weight you're going to disappear! When I met you, you had boobs and a bottom (substitute t&a) and first you lost the boobs and now you have hardly any bottom! That was so nice to hear.

But here's the thing I don't understand. I feel this crashing sense of failure. Like no matter what MORE I do, I'm stuck like this - with this extra belly as Chickadee so aptly puts it - forever. Like I will ALWAYS look like the fat woman.

DH says I would feel like the fat woman even with the surgery because my inside self image is that of the fat woman and I know I don't have any real sense of what I look like now, or what I looked like before even. I wasn't IN my body enough before to have a real basis of comparison.

I also think this surgical cuttting, cutting, cutting I've experienced, coupled with the anorexic eating has become symptomatic of self mutilation on a profound level. That's the really deep down disturbing stuff I can't quite get to but I know there's something deep in there.

The fact that I've had two doctors in the past few months jump me for my malnutrition has been unique. For literally decades, doctors didn't care how much I starved myself as long as it was all in the interest of weight loss. Its quite unexpected to hear this concern. I mean, I have blown out half my teeth literally. I'm going to have to get the last few pulled and go to full dentures in the next couple of months and I'm not looking forward to that. And its not due to cavities. Its due to the fact that they have literally crumbled. Backs have blown out of the front teeth, others have just crumbled to the gum line.

Oh man. I'm such a mess, but so much better than I was kwim?

I've realized I have to make a decision about where I'm going to draw the line with weight loss and start to prepare myself for letting go of the PROCESS of losing more, more, more.

Hard stuff.

Thanks so much for allowing me to bring it here with some dignity.

oh hubs honey. i wish we lived closer! there are two points you made and i think they're connected. the 'not living in your body' theme, and then the malnutrition. hubs, love. we can't live a healthy, calm life without making peace with our bodies and taking care of them.

ignoring them just doesn't work as a lifestyle. you ARE so much better than you were, but this malnutrition has to stop. it just has to, before you destroy everything that you've worked so hard to accomplish.

it's a different focus, isn't it? but trust me - WE GET IT!!!!! one way or another, i think each and everyone of us understands that this is something we have to deal with.

your courage- bravery - and smart, perceptive husband just shine through.

one step at a time. honest!

hubs...
Do you have any idea how blessed you are with a husband that's as supporting as yours seems to be? I weighed in at 175 lbs this morning. As I read your post this morning I couldn't help but remember that years ago I weighed about this same weight when my husband told me I was disgusting. (I weighed 105 lbs when we got married) As the years passed, I really showed him what disgusting was LOL Now he thinks I'm looking great !!! Funny thing is .... I do have the hanging belly....but guess what ?? Now his belly is bigger than mine ROFLOL. Actually, my husband is basically a good man. And we've worked through a lot of things in the 42 years we've been married.
I said all that to say this. Because of the hurtful things he said I had to go inward looking for answers. And I realized I am more than my body. My body is just a house I live in while I'm here on earth. I need to take care of it the best I can but it is not me. I am bigger than my body. I am more than my body and I had to learn to love myself. I'm not saying I've arrived anywhere but I have made a lot of progress. I had decided I was just going to be fat the rest of my life so that was that. It was the pain I had a hard time dealing with...the back, knees, and ankles. Then I met some people who had surgery and I started thinking maybe that would work for me.
Now the pain is gone, thank God. I do understand what your saying. I look at this belly and think...It sure would be nice if it was gone. I don't know if I'll try to have the surgery to remove it or not. If my insurance will pay I might. But right now I don't think I will if I have to pay for it myself. I do know I would not be who I am today without all the experiences I've had in my lifetime. And I kinda like who I am...I liked who I was before I had surgery too. I like my body a whole lot better now LOL (even with the belly)
I know I've been rambling a lot...but I want to say I want you to find peace with yourself. You have a pupose on this earth...and everything that's happened to you is for a reason and it's made you into the person you are. I don't know you very well....but I know when I was so stressed out about losing too much too fast...you were one of first ones there to offer support and suggestions. You speak the truth about wls whether people want to hear it or not. You are supportive of other people having the surgery in spite of the fact both of your sugeries not only failed to get you the desired results but made things worse for you. You are a stronger person today because of all this. Give yourself a break....love yourself.

Hubs,

I haven't a single word of wisdom to offer, nor any advice.

All I can say is that you are in my prayers - that you find peace within yourself and the strength to handle anything.

I think I'm kind of drowning in some of these issues right now. Its been so unsafe for me to be in my body for so many years. I have issues to look at that need more than a glance. I can't just file this away like I've got it all figured out and classified. I don't.

I'm feeling nothing short of terror at the moment and I can't for the life of me say where it comes from. I just need to keep myself from plunging inward.

I believe I felt the sense of urgency around having the surgery and cutting off this belly as an almost desperate way to dodge these feelings. I have NO idea where this is all coming from. So I just need to take it slow and let it surface and try not to get overwhelmed. Just nobody move fast kwim?

This is the end of some long road for me and I know even that sounds wrong. I can't talk about this and sound 'sane' and like I've got it together. I can't internalize it and BE sane.

Rock and a hard place.

Magi, I'm very fortunate. DH has offered me more love, acceptance and space to be in my body than anyone I've ever encountered in a lifetime. We've been together for 3 years. He's very relieved about no surgery as are my sons. They persuaded me to postpone the surgery when it WAS a go with the last surgeon because they were all convinced I wouldn't survive. I'm a very lucky woman.

jiffy, yeah. I wish we were closer too. I've thought about counselling but unless you've been there with some of these body issues its not like you can just go talk to just any therapist if they don't 'get it'. There's nobody in my area with any references in place around dealing with these kinds of issues so I'm feeling like I have to just care for myself and draw on important support I get here.

My God you women are amazing. I'm so grateful to you all for just being here, and for this place as a gathering place.

you're pretty amazing yourself, ya know!

Hubs,
You & Jiffy have been such a help to me to get me over my jitters. I do have one thought for you for help if you want to talk to someone. If you have a pastor that you could confide in, they may be able to help you through the "learning to accept yourself for the wonderful person you are thing". I know when my hubby went through seminary, part of the classes they took were in counselling, and who better to help you accept & love you, than someone who has been called by God to be His spokesperson?

Loodie, You're a gem and thanks for your kindness.

I agree that above all else its what we carry in our soul that counts. Thanks for reminding me. And the comment that we're larger than our bodies hit a solid place too. Thanks for all of your support.

I'm out of town on an extensive business trip this week, then back for a couple of days and off to the west coast right away again. I'm looking forward to the time behind the wheel with my own thoughts. Always good for clearing the fog.

Have a wonderful week all of you.

Hubs.... You're right. Going to the wrong counselor is a waste of time. I've been to a bunch. Some helped and some didn't have a clue. The person who helped me the most was a retired minister. He wasn't religious...but very spiritual and open minded. And truthfully...the things I had to straighten out in my head were not really about the weight. The weight was just a symptom of my mixed up thinking. And agin, I"ve not arrived by any means ...but progress is the name of the game. Life is a journey and this is the boat I'm on right now.

After saying all that, I have to say if I were in your shoes, been through all you've been through, and ran head first into the brick wall you have...I'd be rolling in the floor kicking my feet and punching the air with my fists right now.... pitching a good ole temper tantrum ! As a good friend says, I'd be rearranging chairs on a ship that's going down. Anyhow... laughter is good medicine....so laugh every chance you get. And if you want to scream...then scream. If you want to cry...cry. I you want to hit something..get a pillow. Then get up and dust the seat of your britches off and keep on trucking! Lord, give us the serenity to accept the things we cannot change, the courage to change the things we can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

In the meantime....I'm sending you love and peace.