Okay, chickies, need your honest opinion here. Last Monday I was talking to my mom. She has recently been diagnosed as pre-diabetic and has been busting her butt to lose weight over the last several months. She doesn't know what I've been doing, but does know I've lost weight. She's not the kindest woman in the world, and said to me on the phone, "So what is your middle number now?" I made the mistake of telling her it was a 5 and she goes, "Oh, good..." (as her middle number is a 4). Mind you, she is 5'3 maybe and I am a good 5'8". It totally hurt my feelings that she would be relieved outloud that she weighed less than me. I said to her at the time, "Well, that was kinda rude." She brushed it off and tried to joke her way out of it, but I didn't let her. She is totally competitive, totally selfish, and not caring at all how it made me feel. I have been the one to talk her through this process (as this is the first time in her life she's ever tried to lose weight). I've been the one on the phone listening to her cry and boosted her up when she needed support. Mind you, I have struggled with my weight my entire life. I think had she learned earlier in life to be more health conscious, I may have learned it, too. It just bugs me that she is so competitively minded and that she takes great joy in the fact that she weighs less than me. I've never done that to her, and believe me, most of my life I could have.

So my dilemma is, this was a week ago, and we've still not spoken. I feel that she should make the first move, but I don't want to lose face and let her win this round. She's very manipulative and will probably try to twist it so that I am the bad guy. Am I being ridiculous? HELP!!!!

christine I Think you have all the right in the world to be hurt and mad. I know its your mom but let her come to you. If anything write her a note and tell her how hurt you are. It sounds stupid but I always notice I can get out what i truly feel in a letter rather than in person or on the phone. I think you are doing wonderful with your weight loss dont let one person bring you down!!

Very rude...I wouldnt call her.

Christie:
Wow Girl,I don't think you are ridiculous, did you have try to express the way you feel to her before? Maybe a nice talk will help. About the call, if you don't feel to talk to her right know b/c you still feel hurt, don't do it now, wait until you feel ready to talk to her or confront her. Don't let her or the situation put you down, you are doing great and feel satisfied and proud of everything that you have reach.

Wow, Christie, sorry your mom treated you like that. Numbers on a scale don't mean a dang thing anyway. I don't know if you should call her first or not, but I will say this. Don't let anyone's negative vibes reach out and touch you. It is because of ugly feelings like this that we end up with self doubt and self sabatauge. You are doing great, and you feel awesome. That is what you want to internalize, not the negative stuff.

I think you have some good advice. I'm very hard-headed or bull-headed, so I would have a hard time being the first to call, but I also agree to not let something like this tear you and your mom apart either. Not having my mom here - there is nothing that important! You know you feel great - you're doing wonderful and you have been there for her - smile upon everything you've done and then just call - let her know how hurt you are and maybe she will apologize and everything can be over....girlfriend - it is up to you - but I wish you luck in your decision.

That is really weird for a mom to do, but I would have asked her what her BMI was if she was going to get competitive. Your height means you can carry at least 20 lbs more than her and look the same.
Don't call her until you feel you can discuss this situation without anger, BUT I would pray to have God's help forgiving her so it doesn't take you months to reconnect. She may be rude, but hopefully her good outweights her bad moments at least for your sake!

The frustrating thing is that often her bad moments do outweigh the good...this is pretty typical of her. Hmm...wonder why I'm such an emotional eater???

christine my mom is like that too. I am the thin one of the family yet I am the only one she nags on to lose weight. She has a heart problem and really isnt trying to hard to lose weight. I finally just took my dbf advice and ignored her and her comments. The only thing that truly matters is how I feel and how I look and if I am happy with it. I am somewhat happy with how I look now but I know I can look better. I am not trying to lose weight to get my mom to shut up. I am doing it for me and to be healthier. My moms bad moments outweight her good moments with me all the time. You just have to remember why you started this and do this for yourself. Like katie said the numbers on a scale mean nothing, its about how you feel.

Dear, don't let other people get to you like that, even your mother. (I know, easier said than done.)

When I was a girl my mom made my life miserable and even took me to the doctor because I was too thin according to her. Then I got married and became a totally crazy, emotional eater. Now my whole family's main topic was how fat I got. It used to hurt me so bad, I would cry.

Then one day I got angry and asked them to just accept me: they had made my first 20 years miserable because I was too skinny and the next 25 because I was too fat.

It's been 10 years and we do not touch the subject. My mom does try to sabotage my diet when I visit, but I will NOT give her the power any more.

Please don't wait until you are almost 60 like me to take control.

Best wishes.

Christine
Just remember you can't change other people only yourself. You are the only one who knows if you can accept her the way she is or not. She is probably just trying to boost her own ego to avoid the fact the she is close to a health crisis.
Take care of yourself first and then make up your mind about what you want to do. I do think you should let her know she can hurt your feelings with her comments. it's up to you.

You guys have some good advice--- it's so hard with some relationships that seem to be toxic for you no matter how hard you try. I don't think I'm going to call yet -- I did nothing wrong, and if she can't own up to what she did, then it will become her problem. Thanks for all the kind words -- I seriously can't tell you how great this site is!!!

I totally understand what you are going through w/ your mom. My mother & sister are 5'10 and thin (think all the annoyning comment..."so statuesque...are you a model?) while I'm 5'5 and have been big since birth. I have always been the "gordita" or little fat girl" which was supposed to be endearing. My mom can be so cruel that to this day i feel 10 years old sometimes when i talk to her. I remember soon after i had my second son she says in such a casual manner no one noticed but me, 'I hope you do some thing about that belly this time because your not even 30 but you have the body of a 60 yr old...you better take care of that or you'll lose your husband'. DH is so supportive and love me at any size and has wanted to cuss her out on many occasions and i always end up making excuses for her behavior. I mean i realize in me rational, adult mind she has issues and that it's really about her, not me. But it hurts all the same. My heart goes out to you ...But keep your chin up, it'll make you stronger in the long run.

Stiesta--so sorry you are going through this--mom's are NOT supposed to do this to us! I agree with the above--your height difference makes a ton of difference in a few measly pounds--let her have the number--you have the good looks and better health--so ultimately YOU are the winner. You are beautiful and shame on her for being jealous and not proud.

Stiesta,
Sounds like your mom is feeling really insecure. I always try to remember when people make comments like that it's really about how they are feeling about themselves, and not about me. Sometimes insecure people need to put others down in order to feel better about themselves. Doesn't make it any less hurtful, though. You are doing a great thing for yourself, remember that.

You can do this, and you don't need her approval to succeed!

Kristi