I have always been an upbeat and positive person. After I had my baby I had some issues and was a bit depressed and was on Celexa for awhile. It made me so fatigued that I went off it and didn't go back on anything. Things sort of resolved themselves. Lately I've been going through these really bad periods where I am very depressed but the situation is that it is related to my job. I work 12 hour shifts, 2 days on, 2 off and 3 days over the weekend and I work alternate weekends. I only work night shifts. The day I have to go back to work I get so depressed that I can barely function. It doesn't happen every single time or I'd have these episodes 2-3 times a week. Some of the time I am just blue and other times I spend the whole day on the couch or eating everything and anything. Today was one of those days. I am completely miserable until I actually get to work and then I am usually okay. I guess I am just anticipating the worst. Even when I have really terrible shifts I don't really feel all that bad. In some ways I feel like I am acting like a spoiled brat and should just get over it but I am having a hard time doing that. I can be in the midst of one of these episodes and I can't make myself get out of it. I feel bad because my little boy gets the worst of it, I get so depressed like I said I am on the couch all day and he sits and watches tv or plays. It's not like I'm not watching him because I am, I don't get angry or grumpy at him. I get him his breakfast and lunch and take him to school for the afternoon and I go out and meet him at the bus stop afterwards. I function at the bare minimum. I should be doing more than just making sure he is okay, he is watching tv half of the day which is not good but I can't get myself to do anything.

I can't quit my job because it is very good paying and we are up to our eyeballs in debt. I am really hoping that we can resolve our debt problems within 2 years at the most and then I can move on. What does this sound like? Am I just being stupid? or is the beginning of a full blown depression? There is nothing else in my life that I am depressed about. My husband and I get on great, our son is wonderful and happy, we have bad debts but they are gradually getting under control and we have a plan to get out from under them. So what the heck is the matter with me that I go through these episodes every once in awhile? I would say that I have really bad episodes about once or twice a month. Other times I am a bit blue but not too bad. Any thoughts or suggestions would be very welcome.

Jen~ Sounds more like stress and anxiety to me. Enough stress will make anybody break down. Debt is an especially agitating stressor! You feel crappy because you're in debt, then you start to hate your job because you HAVE to be there... Maybe make yourself a small goal charting your debt, like we do with our weight...SEEING the decrease is always a great esteem boost! Going to a counselor (instead of or in supplement to) a psychiatrist is always a nice option also. Sometimes we get so caught up in work and kids shopping and everything else that we lose ourselves somewhere along the way; then we have these random moments of "what the heck am I doing?" In any case, you should definately see your doctor. Our brains change over time for many reasons and it could be as simple as nutrient defficiancy.
I hope you have an up day real soon =)

s.

Amen, I hear ya. I suffer from chronic anxiety disorder and have since I was in University...its much better now and I have learned how to control it most of the time. But I know what you mean by everything seems to going as planned and moving along well and settled and yet you still feel frustrated and out of control. I too, would mention it to your doctor, it sounds like its in the beginning stages but this is when you want to learn how to get it under control and manage it, before it gets the better of you and your health.

Hi Sweetie,

I think you need to talk to a professional about this. Maybe they can put you on something to keep you in balance. You know as we get older our bodies change, year to year things can be so different. I can so relate to your post. What ever you decide to do, let us know please

Wish I could help you more.

Leenie

Jen-I agree with Leenie. It's best to get some help/advice. They have a lot of different meds out there, so if Celexa didn't work for you, another probably will. And therapy can be a wonderful tool. The way you described your guilt over your son is exactly the way I feel. I have 3 kids and I homeschool, and most of the time I feel I am letting them down. My therapist has been great about helping me see that the most important thing I can give my kids is my love. And that is always there for them. And they know it. Some of the girls on this site told me that tv is not going to hurt your child. And you are there with him, taking care of him. So what if it's the most basic care? My therapist told me there are moms-good moms-who get so depressed they disappear into their bedrooms for days, and the kids take care of themselves. So don't worry about your son. He will be just fine. Work on getting help for yourself.

Let us know how you are doing.

Thanks everyone so much!!! It is good to know that I am not as crazy as I think I am and that I'm not the only one who goes through this stuff. The hospital has a counselling service that I could call, don't know if it would help but it sure couldn't hurt. Also thanks for your kind words about looking after my son. There are worse things I could be doing as a mom than letting him watch a few hours of tv.

You sound like a wonderful mother......keep us posted. I too have anxiety and mood fluctuations.

Hang in there!

L

Hey all. Things have been better lately. I got through my last 3 days of work without being overly moody. Today I am grumpy because of PMS but that's a different story altogether. I'm trying to accept the fact that I am going to be in this job for awhile and I'd just better try to get over this moodiness. I have a good job that pays well that's the facts and even though I'd like to be at home all the time or even work part-time it just isn't going to happen any time soon so I"d just better get over it. I know that is easier said than done but it's time I faced facts and stopped being a baby about it all. Sometimes we have to do things that we don't always enjoy but the facts are that no one said that life was going to be easy and comfortable all the time. I'll make things easier for myself and my family if I stop acting like this and grow up. I know that sometime down the road I will be able to do something else and that gives me hope to keep forging ahead.

Wow. Great attitude. Come back and visit your post on the days when you aren't feeling so strong. It will help you to remember that it WILL get better. Good luck!

hi Jen
Been there done that! I worked 8 years 7p-7am same schedule you have. Not to scare you but I started like you did and then it got the point I would walk in and have an anxiety attack, it go so bad after a few months that they started in the car on the way and then the day i'd have to go to work. I knew it was time to leave, despite my debt and my ability to make money, my mental health was worth more. THERE ARE ALOT OF JOBS OUT THERE! Why I thought I had to STAY there was beyond me. This was two years ago. I have found another job with better hours and my stress level is down! Not to say that it is a unstressful job, the stressors are different and I actually enjoy working there.
Your mental health is worth so much than a big pay check, I did take a small pay cut but it was worth it!
good luck..

Hang in there Jen..........I admire your strength!

L

Hang in there. I too am a nurse who worked night shifts for the last 7 yrs. I always felt guilty and felt my kids were getting the minimal care routine. I am not currently working but I do remember how it felt. Good luck and God bless you. It's hard to get out of working graveyard shift when the incentive pay is so enticing and as for you ( and me) was much needed at the time. Keep smiling and remember this room is full of good advice and support.

If I could quit this job and not have us go into bankrupcy I would in a heartbeat. The truth is that about 5 years ago my husband got into racing in a big way. He and a buddy built their own car. Along with buying the car parts and materials he had to buy a truck, a trailer and tools. This was when I was pregnant with our son and going on maternity leave. There were all kinds of expenses for racing and then when I wanted to go back to work he couldn't cope with looking after the baby and I had to work part-time. Meanwhile our debts soared. I am talking currently we are about $65,000 in round numbers in debt. So me quitting a very good paying job is completely and totally out of the question. My husband is absolutely horrible about money and I am not that great either. We have a bank officer who has helped us out tremdously by getting us loans to consolidate our credit cards and I am very hopeful that within 2 years we will be seeing a light at the end of the tunnel. My husband has not raced in 2 years and I am hoping that he won't ever again. He does not realize how it completely changed our lives for the worse even though I have talked to him enough about it. Every once in awhile he'll talk about starting back up again and it really depresses me. I've got him to promise to not start for another year at least. We need a new car and we can't even afford that so how he thinks he can afford to go racing is beyond me. What really depresses me is that we were almost completely out of debt when this all started, we had about $6000 on our credit cards and no loans except for the house mortgage. It almost makes me cry thinking about it. Basically that $65000 is just down a black hole and we'll never get it back. I get angry at him sometimes for doing this to us but I also get angry at myself for allowing it to happen. I let him do it because I knew it would make him happy and this is when he was having terrible mood swings all the time so I was willing to do anything that would put him in a good mood. Now he is on Effexor and it has helped a lot. He doesn't get terribly upset about the prospect of not racing. I wish he would make more friends so that he would have more to do and not think about it so much. So that is my story. I just wanted to illustrate that quitting is not an option unless I can find something that pays the same (or more!) or I happen to win the lottery. I do get those anxious feelings sometimes in the car as well. I've even had thoughts wishing that I would be in a minor fender bender just so I wouldn't have to go to work. I recognize immediately that those are not very good thoughts and there is no way I would ever do anything on purpose. That would be stupid and dangerous. Sorry to go on so long, thanks for reading!

Seems to me that your husband should be working two jobs to help pay the debt........what about bankrupsy and starting over fresh? I would be beside myself and distraught......you are keeping it together......that is awesome.

L

Hi all. Just thought I would bump this back up. I'm having another one of those days but it has only lasted a few hours instead of being all day. I was okay for most of the morning and then about 11 am I just started feeling really depressed and since then I've just felt like bursting into tears all the time. I get into these moods and I start overanalyzing everything in my life and seeing what is wrong with it. I hate being this way, generally I am a very happy person so I really hate how I feel right now and how I behave. I feel almost paralysed sometimes. Like it is impossible to go forward or backwards or anywhere. I just feel like I am barely keeping afloat.