Last night was a great night and a bad night for me. It was my first Valentines with my boyfriend. We've clicked. He makes me happy. He's so supportive of me as a woman no matter what way the scale has gone in the past seven months.
This is happy.
However after I left his work last night, I was driving home and coming to a stop light when there was a head-on collision in the intersection in front of me. A van swerved, nearly missing my car.
I was out and to the crash and did the best that I could to help with my First Aid training. Unfortunately the person who was in the worst shape died while we were there.
After a few hours in the cold and giving my statement, I finally was able to come home. My friends and my bf came over as soon as possible to be with me. I had a sleepless night, a bad morning, but went to work in the afternoon to fill time.
I hadn't been eating much since this happened. But now that it's been about 24 hours, everything is really hitting me hard and I'm turning to food. I've had 2 cups of albeit lean sheppard's pie and a cup and a half of ice cream (I bought the premium stuff two weeks ago and have left it for my bf to eat when I have my frozen yogourt).
It's not for lack of good for me stuff either. There's salad items in the fridge. Frozen Yogourt.
But my system gave me a 5-second delay on the language towards the good stuff and went for the comfort instead. I even shirked going on my nightly walk to stay curled up on the couch or reading through the different forum posts.
I don't want this to last. I want to get on track. I guess I just need help in reassuring that this slip is just today. That when I wake up tomorrow morning that I won't be looking for every sweet and fat ladden thing in my cupboards. A kick in the butt. A reassurance?
Just the okay from someone else that I can take with me.

No butt kicking sweetie.

You saw something really upsetting and you have a right to relax and curl up and not worry about food calories. I would have been sobbing all night if I went through what you just did.

Take your time for a day or two and when you are ready, get back on. You know you can't keep doing it, so keeping that in mind... don't worry about it for a day or two.

Oh my God. I can't even imagine how you must feel right now. But the important thing is you got out there and did your best to help, which is more than many people would have done.

No kicks from me, only praise. The world needs more people like you.

You need a hug more then a kick. Im teary just reading what you went through...

You've suffered a trauma. I think it might be a good idea to see your doctor. He/she may be able to relate to your experience and also be able to help you to get through the initial part. I too was a first responder to a sudden death, and it was difficult for me to sleep etc. because your mind keeps reliving the experience. I found it was important (when awake) to stop the thoughts if I could to keep the memories from really setting into my brain. It's a really difficult experience, and I feel for you. Take care of yourself and be kind to yourself for a bit of time. You'll be back on track soon.

Thank you for your support and kind words.
I was able to sleep through for a few hours tonight, which is great. A bit more rested for work. I'm keeping my best in mind when approaching today. It's potluck day and I'm resolving not to go face first into the cheesecake my friend is bringing in.
My company signed up for the FGI service which provides free short-term counselling. I phoned them and someone will be assigned to help me out initially.
Thank you all again. It felt good to get it out there, own up to what I knew I was doing and get the support.

I've been in the same circumstances and it is very traumatizing to have that happen.

Trying to help and seeing someone die is shocking. This is a normal reaction. Its great you have support for this.

Give yourself some time and space. Turning to food for comfort if that is your pattern, will ease as you process your experience. It may take time though, so don't beat yourself up about backsliding. Talking to someone will really help.

Good luck.

How are you doing today ?
I had the same thing happen to me almost 20 years ago and I can still see it vividly. YOU suffered a trauma...take care of yourself. Make sure you get the help you need. It's wonderful that you can get short-term counseling. The comfort food issues should pass in a day or two, junk food won't help you feel better in the long run and nothing can change the overall situation.

Take care,
Mel

Today was better than yesterday. Baby steps I took it easy at work. We had a potluck and I did enjoy some cheesecake and some meatballs. Though I know I didn't overdo it, especially since I'm planning on just having some milk with a slim fast bar later.
The counselor phoned today while I was at work and should be calling back soon to talk and see what he recommends.
Catching up on more sleep tomorrow since it's my day off. And spending time with friends and family will help it, too Thank you all again! I can't express how great this site has been in such a few short days since I came upon it.