Hi everyone. First post here. First post in an online forum ever. Hi. Just to give you a little backgound, I'm in my early 20's and ever since I was a little girl have always had "issues" with food. Though when i look back at pics I was never fat (untill later) but I never remember a time when I didn't think I had to "watch it" or lose some weight. (if you're interested in psycho babble I think my mom's partly responsable for this ...haha who doesn't right? but she is VERY weight conscious and very judgemental and always made clear that being fat was a personality defect (I DISAGREE) anyways). In high school started to gain weight, this continued into college and by freshman year I was fat. 170# on a 5'4" frame might not sound *that* heavy but I have a pretty small frame to begin with and my BMI was over the healthy range. anyways... i lost some weight not trying too hard over the next couple of years (okay trying really hard but in all the wrong weighs (get it haha ) I have this tendency to do all or nothing. ie sticking to a 800 cal a day or giving completely up and binging like crazy and sitting on my butt. so half the time i was trying really hard and the other half i was totally sabatoging myself. anywhoo. over summers (motivated by the swimsuits) i would always lose a little more and then gain it back in winter etc. This past summer I did some wieght watchers and lost about 15# to get down to 132# whoohoo. I was so excited. Now I am back in my really bad habit of all or nothing. My weight is creeping back up and I panic and restrict and then I get hungry and then I eat and then I can't stop and then I binge. you get the picture. it ain't pretty. and I have been eating WAY too much for the past week and I am too scared to hop on the scale and see the damage but im guessing i'm back up to 145 ish. i know its not a bad wieght but i am just worried about the cycle you know. i am out of control with it and just SO frusterated. and annoyed at myself. why cant i just do the normal eating thing?? grrr.


so if you made it this far you are a rockstar!

basically i just need to break the cycle, get back on a healthy moderated eating program and get the all or nothing menality out of my head (which i did for about 2.5 years). i HATE feeling so out of control.
so any support, advice, help, restraint etc you can offer i would so appreciate it! i look forward to "meeting" you all and reading your posts!

*Freddy*

Hi freddy
I and almost everyone else here knows what you are talk about we are all here to hold each other up so if you like just start typing we will be here for you...

Been there done that too, along with a few million people I am sure. It sucks but it truly isn't the end of the world.

Here is a thought...why don't you just ditch the scale altogether? why put yourself through the torture of knowing how much you have gained?

My thinking is, you know you have regained some weight, you can feel it in your clothes so lets leave it at that, accept it and move on with it.
Put your shoes on and go for a walk,run, pop in an aerobic tape, do 100 crunches...anything for your brain to know that the spell is over and that you are back in business.

I am a binger too, I followed the same cycle you do and, even though I have my weight under control, I still go on some kind of binge once in a while (nowhere as bad as it used to be though) but I have learned that it's ok FOR ME as long as I am able to aknowledge it right away and get back to being healthy.

I hope you can find a little tiny bit of help in my post and start feeling better.

I could have typed this word for word. My mom maxed out at 125#s 9 months preg. She is literally obsessed with size and weight. She's older and actually has to wear - a size 6 - instead of a 2 or 4. She's disgusted and is starving herself. Again.

Anyway, when you grow up thinking you're fat even when you aren't, if you don't change the internal dialogue, it becomes a self fulfilling prophecy. That's what my shrink says anyway. I have to change the tapes that run through my head.

The crazy thing is that I got on the scale for the first time in a L O N G time yesterday and was the highest weight of my life. I freaked, was depressed, and then realized: I felt fat at 125#. I hated my body then too even though something told me that 125 was an ok number.

I'm going to try to focus on nourishing my body with food and strengthening it with exercise. The weight loss will happen, but really I need to love myself as I am today. Honestly, right now I don't. But I'm trying to, hoping I can and that I will.

I think that's how you begin to break the cycle.

(())s

I know just how you feel.

I feel your pain, but it was my dad, not my mom. He maxed out at 330 about 15 years ago and boom! Went to the gym really hard and barely ate and lost 130 lbs in 10 months It was crazy. After he lost all the weight, he would constantly harrass me to go to the gym. I would do the "all or nothing" thing too, going to the gym hard and eating almost nothing, to only fall apart a couple weeks later and eat everything in the local deli.. and then some. 3 years ago, I really tried and lost 50 lbs.. looked and felt much better. After 2 very trying years, I started putting back on some weight and I went to visit my dad this past summer and he said "Wow, I barely recognized you, you gained so much weight!"

Game, set, match.. LOL so I hear you loud and clear Freddy If you need someone to talk to, myself and all the great people on this board are here!!

you know after reading this, it hit me like a hammer on my head.

i too have just recently gotten down to an OK weight. 124 on 5'1 and in mostly 6's but have some 4's that fit. Point is every time i look in the mirror all i see is fat. i keep thinking "man just 15 years ago, 1 was 112 and in a size 1!!" thats just ridiculous because i SAW the video tapes of me back then and i looked anorexic (my body holds weight funny)...until i read this i truly felt that way.

on the other hand i was looking at my legs yesterday and thought to myself "damn my legs have never looked this good" (from all the running i have been doing)

i'm an idiot! **** i am 42 years old and still get mistaken for early 30's. i should be celebrating and so should everyone on this board!!!!!!!!!

What is it with Mom's?! My parents have struggled with their weight for as long as I can remember and I have never said, "You know, you really should think about losing some weight." But for them to say it to me is constantly okay! And my Mom's favorite: "Are you sure you want to eat that?!" I truly think it is their way of being concerned but it just comes across as judgemental.

I especially can't understand their insensitivity because I was anorexic at the age of 12 and got sick because of it; you think they would understand that I have some "issues" about my weight.

But, as much as I'd like to blame them for my weight, I'm an adult now and need to make my own choices, as hard as it sometimes is.

Ann

Thanks guys. I woke up this am and am feeling a lot better and it was great to read all your messages. I am planning to go to the gym today with a friend...and as we speak am munching on some nice carrots :-) I hope this is the day for me!

Hi do we have the same mom? lol my mom loves to tell me how she only gained 18# when preg with me...which put her at a whole 129#. she is recenly creeping up to ... get ready... 115# at over 50 and is HORRIFIED at how her *** looks. her fav trick in the book is to give me brandnew hand me downs she bought that "are just too big" for her. why did you buy them then?!! anyways...

yep that is so true. I think that's why I was able to get myself under control for a few years while i was out of the house. i recently moved much closer to home and am feeling less ...separate...from my parents. but you are definitely right. only i control what i do with, put into etc my bod. i need to remember that.


thanks again!