i want to do this so badly, but i am my own worst enemy. ok, here is confession time. i did my tae bo tape tonight and then what did i do? i sat down at the computer, opened up 3 fat chicks and sat back to enjoy two pieces of ghirardelli caramel chocolates. and three pieces of mini truffles. and five pieces of mini nocciolo chocolates. oh yeah, and dinner was a whole can of pork and beans with two hot dogs cut up into it. i had to add that in before i intentionally left it out. because i lie to myself, i lie to others... i act like i can't understand why i am not losing weight since i've been such a good girl. its all a LIE. a farce. once my husband leaves the house, i wander around looking for food to feed my face. yeah, i sometimes remember to pull out my exercise videos (sometimes), but that ain't gonna be worth a dime if i don't do something about my eating.

i am a train wreck! i need help! i also need to learn how to cook. for one person (my husband works at night). and only one. not an army. i need to learn how to not keep stuffing my face. but i never, ever, ever feel full.

sigh. how can you want something soooooooo bad you can taste it, yet manage to sabatoge yourself every single minute of every single day?????

i want to cry. i feel like i can't do this. i feel like such a slob. i have such desire, but no ambition. i didn't think that was possible, but there it is.

but its like that with everything in my life. i desire lots of things, but when push comes to shove, i have no ambition. i mean, my room for goodness sake. its a MESS. horrific. i can't stand looking at it. it makes me miserable. stuff that needs to be dragged up to the attic, shoes out everywhere, overflowing hamper, bed needs to be made, floor needs to be vacuumed... its so not like me. its disgusting. and everyday i say i am going to get in there and clean it. but i never do. and then i whine and gripe about it some more... and so on and so forth. i really, truly desire to clean it.. but my ambition is non existant. my whole life is like this lately.

i need to make a change starting somewhere. but when i sit to think about what i need to do, i get overwhelmed and i give up again. blah. why does life have to be so hard sometimes???

bleah. sorry to be such a downer.

susan

I know how you feel. My house is like that too. It got out of control and now its overpowering me. I cant do it alone. Hubby works all the time and is too tired when he comes home to help. He shouldnt have to...its my responsibility.
Maybe tomorrow will be a better day for you.

"sigh. how can you want something soooooooo bad you can taste it, yet manage to sabatoge yourself every single minute of every single day?"


I don't mean to sound like a therapist, but I can speak from my own experience here. I sabotaged myself regularly, until I finally realized that I not only CAN be healthy and beautiful, I DESERVE to be. Really, that was all there was to it. Self-loathing and "accidentally on purpose" failure go hand in hand for me.

Please feel free to PM me if you'd like to chat. *hugs*

I know how you feel, I've definitely been through everything you say and I still feel like that sometimes. I agree with tipsygypsy, and I also will add something else..

What you call "ambition", I always referred to as "motivation." Basically, you're waiting for inspiration to hit... waiting for the moment when you are excited to clean or change your eating habits or whatever. At a "time management workshop" I went to recently the presenter was saying it can be helpful to see motivation as an action, rather than a feeling. It is misguided of us to think that we need to WANT to do something before we can do it. It IS possible to do something (or to refrain from doing something) without wanting to do it. And actually in my experience (which is admittedly limited because I just started losing weight a few months ago) the motivation will come, once you start doing it.

I'm sure you've been through this a million times, and it probably doesn't help for me to be sitting here saying "just do it" but unfortunately I think that is the only answer! I think I will need to come back and read this post the next time I am feeling the discouraged.

I think the point about motivation is so true. I often find myself sitting on the side lines in life, waiting for that one day when I'll wake up and be inspired to do something, or wake-up and be perfect. But so far that hasn';t happened, and I've finally realized it isn't going to. So I have to wake up every day and make the best of it - and sometimes not very motivated to do anything.

What's really helped me is learning to be less critical and judgemental of myself. I used to spend my weekends with this long list of things I had to get done and I would feel like a failure if I didn't accomplish all these tasks. And the rebellious child in me would say to the critic in me "f@#& you - I'm not going to do anything." Then I'd feel like a failure for not being productive, so I'd eat to feel better. Then I'd feel like a failure for eating too much...and to not feel bad, I'd eat...but just not think about what I ate to avoid the harsh judgements of myself. Do you see the pattern?

A food journal is the way I currently stay in control of what I eat. I tried for years to keep one, but never could, because I couldn't bare to write down the "bad" foods I ate. I would judge myself so harshly, and to avoid the criticism I would not record the bad foods or even think about them. The problem is, whether I acknowledge the food or not, I still ate it and still have to deal with the consequences. So I started out writing down what I ate no matter what, but never judging or getting mad when I go over...and for me this is SO hard. But keeping the critic within me quiet is the only way I've been able to feel any kind of "motivation." I always thought I was pushing myself by being so critical, but it was backfiring...I was abusing myself. It's still a struggle, but I spend time every day being kind to myself - supressing my natural urges to be harsh and to punish myself for being "bad."

You need to be kinder and gentler to yourself first, then begin the use a journal to record your eating as well as your thoughts and emotions. Only then, without judgement, can you begin to take the steps necessary to control your eating.

Gosh you sound like me. My place only gets cleaned before the major holidays! 90% of the time the sheet isn't even on the bed the whole way. And the food.... man oh man. Yea I keep under my calories 5-6 out of 7 days but it's junk. Twice this week I had McDonalds for lunch. I've eaten oreos, kisses, ice cream you name it. Then I feel like crap. Then I PROMISE myself that was the last time eating out. Then the next day I do it all again. I'm still managing to lose because I eat skimpy the rest of the day. But I know it's not healthy. Anyway I'm rambling but the point is I'm right there with you. Feel free to pm or email if you want. Just to talk or to keep each other accountable.

I ate most of a box of chocolates at work one day this week and if I don't do some laundry today, the health department might show up

As for ambition, motivation, focus .... do what's right, right now. You won't think this way all of the time. Everybody slips. But when you actually catch yourself .... think about it ... is this the right thing, right now?

Had you chosen any special plan?


..... from another Susan

Shaley! Shaley! Shaley! Bless you. I really recognised lots of what you said here. It was like me a few years ago.

I thought of a number of things when I read your post. They have helped me. Feel free to take or discard them.

Firstly you are being too hard on yourself. If you over-eat partly to punish or comfort yourself then getting annoyed with yourself is just going to make you do it. Just remember that you are fabulous!

Secondly are you depressed in any way? If so might be worth dealing with that. I know when my house was a mess and I couldn't stop eating I was depressed - the eating and not tidying were symptoms of it.

Lastly if you spend your life beating yourself up then you're casting yourself in the role of victim. Do you want to be someone things happen to? Or do you want to be someone who sorts things out? Be a survivor not a victim. Save yourself from this pit, girl! I'm absolutely sure you can do it. xxx

Shaley, you sound just like me a few months ago. I couldn't understand what was wrong with me. I wanted to lose weight, I wanted to clean my house, I wanted this, I wanted that, but everything felt like such an effort. My ambition for everything was gone. It could be, like in my case, that you are depressed. And I'm not trying to push pills on you or anything but maybe you want to talk to your doctor about it and see what he says. So many people are dealing with depression and don't know it and simply feel like there is something wrong with them. Since I have dealt with my depression, I have lost weight and I actually look forward to exercising.

thank you, everyone. really. i needed this.

the depression thing really struck a chord. i recently went off of my depression medication. i was on effexor, and after missing one dose... whooeee. the side effects were scary. so, me thinking "oh yeah, i feel better anyway"... i weaned off of them. besides, while on them, i felt catatonic. i mean, i would sit at the table and just stare. i had no energy and all i wanted to do was go to bed.

but i was talking to my mom this a.m., and i was saying that i think i need to go back on something. she agreed that you could definitely see the difference in me. it doesn't help that i was laid off a year ago, and i am now looking for a job after being a SAHM for a year. money is getting very tight. its not easy finding a job. and i am starting to worry. so that doesn't help matters. besides the fact that i always get even more depressed in the winter (which is why i want to move somewhere that has a shorter winter season!) i think i am going to make an appt. with my doc to look into wellbutrin or one of the other ad's.

i guess i will do that today.

again, everyone, thanks for the kind words and support. now if i could just learn how to cook! LOL! i used to love cooking, but now... i don't feel like i have any creativitiy in me! besides. when i do cook, i always wind up cooking enough for a small developing country. and we either eat it all like slobs or we wind up wasting a ton of food. either way, its not a good thing. so maybe i'll look into some "cooking for two" type cookbooks.

kindly,
susan

This post has been haunting me this morning. It seems that Susan and I have more in common than just our names.
I have five basic challenges that relate to this thread. I'm probably going to write a half novel here so bear with me or skip along

1. I am a horrible housekeeper.
2. I work part-time shift, so there is simply not any way that I can make a daily routine.
3. We have an ebay business, I love the internet, I spend waaaay too much time here and at fitday.com. So the computer chair gets used a lot!
4. I have depressive issues that manifest in social anxiety disorder.
5. I am by nature, sedentary. I like to read, knit, watch TV, surf the net.

Because I must use the computer and I must take better care of my house, I've had to figure out a way to shuffle the things I like into a time scheme with the things I don't like. I turn things into 'units'. Workable, manageable smaller bits. I used to look at the whole house and go stay in my room reading rather than face trying to figure out where to start.

If I'm at home in the morning, I have coffee with DH. This, I've found takes about 20 minutes. When he leaves I do a few general tidying things in the kitchen and take a cup of coffee to the computer.

Now, today's thing is laundry and it makes a good example. When I run out of things on the computer that need to be taken care of immediately, I tidy a few things as I collect laundry. I start one load while I fiddle to sort the rest. Interestingly enough, this takes about 20 minutes too.
By the time I get back to the computer, there's about 20 minutes left on the washer load. So I surf.
When the washer stops, I go change loads and do a little something else. Shower, change, sweep ... Then I can go back to the computer until the dryer rings off.
I go fold, change loads, do a few dishes or get something to eat and then go back to the computer.
It has just revolved all morning. I'm on my 4th load of laundry. I've lung-walked out to the mailbox ....

Even if you aren't doing laundry there are signals that it's time to do something else. Thirst, hunger ... your bladder!

There's very little ordinary everyday type stuff that I can't do in about 20 minutes. And I'm not saying my house looks good, just better than it did.

But this probably wouldn't work as well if I didn't take my PILLS!

It kind of sounds to me that you are doing this weight loss thing for others. You are proving to others that you are dieting. It's great to tell others that you are dieting, but at the end, it is you who you are lying to if you break your regime once no one is around. How do I refrain myself from eating what I shouldn't? At work, someone took a big box of chocolates. Knowing it was there, I just picked up the box and threw it away. The staff ordered pizza, and what I did was that I went for a walk at the mall. Once you see progress, you will have more control of what you eat because you will see that a slice of pizza is not worth it all. I mean, a slice wont hurt, but if you know that it will become two and then three, I just rather not have it. Don't feel guilty, tomorrow is another day to start. We all have been through that, but shook it off and continued. Just think about the reasons why you really want to do this in the first place. Good luck.

By the way, I have lost nearly 100 pounds while being on Zoloft. Antidepressants have not been a barrier to me. Don't let them stop you.

Ew, Effexor, ugh, that stuff can be awful. I hope your doc can help you out... maybe you will find meds that help you.

What Tipsygypsy said totally struck a chord with me. I wouldn't treat another person the way I am treating my own body. Scary.

As with others, this post really hits home for me.

I can't begin to tell you the lengths I go to to lie to myself and my husband (and others) about what I eat. I would go through a drive thru on the way home (knowing we'd have dinner soon) and get fries or a cheeseburger or something. Then when I stopped for gas I'd throw the evidence away. To me this meant I didn't even eat it! "McDonalds? Who, me? NO, I don't eat there!" Yeah right! But, I sure had myself convienced! Not to mention I'd head home and eat a full meal. I told myself I was hungry (as you say you are), but looking back I really wasn't, it was just another excuse I made to cover the fact I lied in the first place!

Many things in your post rang true to me. But the depression...that is definately where you need to begin. Now, I'm not saying you are or are not depressed. But, if there are situations in your life you are unhappy with...THAT is what is causing you to eat, "be hungry", never satisfied (be it emotionally/physically/through food).

Through my own experience I can tell you straight out, the motivation will never come (if it does it won't stay long) until you figure out what it is that is causing you to be this way. Only then can you have the motivation to trudge ahead and take control of ALL of the "out of control" areas of your life! Weight is just a noticable side effect of underlying problems you may or may not be aware of. But, weight is something EVERYONE notices, not something you can hide from others as the other areas of your life may be hidden somewhere far, far away.

This is the stage I am at...just now excepting my life the way it is (my bi-polar included) and I am working on ALL of my issues and I can honestly say I have found motivation I've never had before. So, hopefully I will hold true to myself this time around since I am starting off with a better head on my shoulders.

Good luck!

"i need to make a change starting somewhere. but when i sit to think about what i need to do, i get overwhelmed and i give up again. blah. why does life have to be so hard sometimes???"

Here's things that worked for me:
1. I took one thing at a time. I decided to work on my eating first and did that for a month. I slowly changed all of my meals, changing one meal at a time. Then I worked on adding exercise each day.
2. I had to find a way of eating that I could do for the rest of my life. I tried Atkins but after eating tons of meat I knew I couldn't do it for the rest of my life. I finally settled on an exchange way of eating.
3. Making menus and planning my meals helped a lot. I decided to plan what I eat and eat to my plan. I know now I can eat 1600 cals per day with 2 starches and 1 fruit for breakfast, 1 starch and 1 fruit for snacks and so on.

Remember this is all a process. When you learned to walk as a baby you probably fell a lot of time, but you never - at least I don't think you did - said "i'm never going to walk." You can lose your weight. I did and I've been trying to lose it for over 28 years. Now I'm the same weight I was in college.