I am 5'2 and 235 lbs, age 33. I suffer with Fibromyalgia, severe PMS and anxiety and depression disorder.

I recently came to the realization that a lot of my issues with food stem from me surpressing issues of molestation that I had to endure when I was a child. The weight has been my protection, and the food helps me when im down.

What made me realize that I am still affected by the molestation is when my dad called me to tell me that the cousin that molested me, was recently fired from his job and under investigation because one of his students accused him of sexually fondling her. The night my dad called me to tell me this, I couldn't stop crying. I did not know this was still inside me.

Also when growing up, I was taught that if you are happy, you eat, if you are sad, you eat, whatever you are feeling, you eat. Eating was my families way of self medicating. Most of my family doesn't have obesity issues, just my mom and dad, in which their behaviors have filtered on me. I have issues of low self esteem, anger, hopelessness, guilt, overwhelming fear of being alone, and the thing that I don't get is, I can't will myself to do anything. I've become very introverted, scared of people, scared of being social, I don't have any friends and no boyfriend. I don't have kids, all I have is my mom and that scares me badly. You would think if someone is scared they would do something about it.

Its really bad today because im going through PMS. PMS makes me feel horrible. I go from feeling suicidal to rage.

The thing is, my circumstances have made me this way. I've endured so much abuse that I don't trust anyone anymore. I always feel like people have some hidden agenda.

I am tired of this. I get motivated, and for about a month I do well, then suddenly im back to the same pattern of eating (eating lots of breads and high carb foods).

When I do get the motivation to lose weight, I realize that what works for me is the low calorie diet. When I don't eat high calorie foods and high carb foods, I lose weight pretty easily.

I am in therapy and on anti-depressants, but I've done this for years (since 14) and it never works.

I'm losing hope, and in all of this, i feel like men don't want me because of my weight

I was also a victim of molestation. I don't let it define me though. I think that alot of people just let and allow things to take over their lives. I hope that you can overcome your issues with being molested. I went to a therapy session one time and it was not for me. The people in there went through much worse than I did and also I am the type person that I don't want to be categorized. I don't like to take pills, I don't want some one telling me I am depressed because 9 out ten people get depressed daily. Not to take your symptons lightly, it's just the way I get through things.
I feel that people spend too much time defining stuff instead of jus figuring out a way to get through. There are days when I think about what happened to me and it just makes me work harder in every aspect of my life to be a better person. I overeat but I know what I want to look like and who I want to be as a person. I think as soon as you sit down and decide those things nothing can interfere with your goal. As I began to loose weight I saw a better person in myself and saw that I can do anything I wanted despite anything that has happened to me in my life. So now I have goals of becoming a trainer and compete in figure competitions. Good Luck!!

iluvww, I admire you for your choices, however, I have clinical depression, fibromyalgia, sciatica, vertigo, migrains, so its not that easy for me. I don't feel im defining anything or making excuses, or looking for handouts, I have an illness and that is the bottom line. I need advice on ways to get through it from people who suffer with it as I do. The "toughin up" method doesn't make me feel any better. I really can't deal with the "that's life, everyone goes through it, so suck it up" way of thinking. Not saying you were blatantly saying that, but it comes across that way, and that doesn't help me.

Depression is a real illness, no different then diabetes and heart disease. That's the approach I get from people daily and its also the very thing said that can send someone over the edge. And sitting down to decide what I want to do does not work for me either. I need support from people who have understanding and those who don't trivialize the issue by saying that the thing to do is just make up your mind to do it. If a person really suffers with clinical depression then they will know its not that simple. As far as the molestation issues, as I said, I didn't even know I had issues with it until I broke down hearing about the little girl and I started having flashbacks, and putting two and two together on my behavior patterns and things that I do on a daily basis. These things are real and they do affect people.

Its not about defining anything, its about how it has affected me mentally and its REAL. Its not like im sitting around dwelling on stuff or convincing myself of such things. Abuse in every form affects people, especially something that has happened in their childhood. SOME people are hard and act as if it doesn't bother them, but im not that type of person. It may not have affected you, but it has me. And seeking help for it doesn't mean a person has to go on pills, but I refuse to sit here and try to act hard and pretend I can handle it on my own. That's not how "I" handle things.

Anyway, thank you Annie I appreciate the understanding...........

I agree with you, the "just snap out of it method" does not work for me either, it only makes me feel like more of a failure. I'm sure all of us wish it did work.

What helps me is the old cliche' (sp?) one day at a time. Its all I can do.

Annie, I also agree with you, not all men are shallow.

I wish I could offer more advice or words of wisdom but I can't. I can however tell you that I'm sorry for all you are going through and that you'll be in my prayers.

HUGS

hey leenie!

thank you for your kind words.

the thing about me is, I've done well considering my circumstances.
Back in 1999, I was ordered not to work because I was having such bad vertigo that I couldnt' stand up straight. I didn't work for five years but I managed through that time to go back to school to get a degree. However, due to having fibromyalgia and the combination of that with depression, makes it hard for me to work certain type of jobs. Its like I have this stress level problem that I can't seem to control, and I found out that, its due to the fibro. Its like my body can't take certain amounts of stress so im working a job in the federal government that is much lower than my skill level just to pay bills and so i don't have to worry about getting fired over and over again like I did in the past. Its depressing, I want to have more work options, but when I try to overexert myself, I end up almost having to go into the hospital.


I just have this overwhelming feeling of pain in all forms. I also feel like a time bomb waiting go to off. I get angry easily, even when riding public transportation dealing with the people.

Where I feel most comfortable is locked in my room. But I know doing that will only make matters worse.

I found a support group just now that I will be meeting with on Monday, so im excited about that

I will let you know how it goes