Hi, I just found this forum today...even just reading some of the posts is encouraging to me!
I have about 15 lbs. to lose until I reach my goal...I've never been extremely overweight but have always had eating issues for as long as I can remember! My mother was morbidly obese and died 10 years ago of complications due to her weight. I also lost my father 5 years ago, he had heart complications, I'm convinced due to diet and his weight. Growing up with a mother who was so imprisoned with her struggles effected our family in a big way. My sister had a big weight problem. I on the other hand learned to manage my weight very well through binging and purging. I had serious eating disorders for years. In all the pictures looking back I always looked very thin, but I was tortured in my mind as well. I thought like a fat person. It was very hard for most overweight people I've met to understand. When I was in my 20's I learned more about good nutrition and made some lifestyle changes. In my 30's I discovered weight watchers and I loved it!! I finally was ready to make that commitment and achieved my goal weight and maintained it for 7 years. What an accomplishment for me having daily victories with my diet and loving my goal weight. After my second child I feel stuck back where I was. Now I am 40 and in many ways I feel like I am back where I was. I cannot seem to have one day where I don't CHEAT and it discourages me so! I have a wonderful husband who is very supportive but it is not enough. I find it hard to talk to anyone because they always say your nuts you look fine...but I don't feel fine! I even went to a few Weight Watchers meetings (years ago)and really loved the thought of the support but I felt uncomfortable because people would always say why are you here?? (I stopped going and did the diet on my own and succeeded in weight watchers!) I am not grossly overweight but I definitely have the same issues in my mind. I can eat compulsively at night and then I feel like crap about myself. Every day I try and start new and then am so discouraged when I blow it!! I also find it so hard since I have children. I have a 4 and a 5 year old and I am always fixing food for them and nibbling and then I have used up too many calories. Anyway...I think I am just venting...but thanks for listening...It feels good ...maybe I really can start tomorrow and have a successful day! It's been so long since I have felt like a success with my eating. Any input or encouragment I welcome!!

Amazongal-My heart goes out to you for the loss of your parents, your struggles and your hurt. We all need to vent. And this is a great place to do it. It would be very frustrating to have people criticize your efforts for health and well being.

I know I don't know you and I don't want to offend you in anyway. Your post cried out to me and I want to offer anything I can to help you. As you know fromw atching your mother and father struggle your actions and attitudes are passed to your children. Even if you don't realize they are watching, they absorb so much.

I don't think that you have resolved your issues with food and self image. Whether you have 5 pounds or 100 pounds to lose if your thinking isn't right and your definition of what is healthy isn't squared away then the issue lies more than with food. It is common for people with eating disorders to percive thier weight in a way that is skewed and inaccurate.

I have not had the same struggles as you, but I too suffer from a distorted perception. I thought I was hugley fat when I was in fact healthy. I think that your first step should be to talk to a doctor. Make sure that you are in fact in need of weightloss. Once you establish this and know what your healthy wieght is then you can percede. I'm not trying to be like otehrs and say you don't have to lose weight and you're fine. I'm just saying given your past history of eating disorders you want to make sure you are on the right track, you know?

Journalling EVERY bite helps me. I nibble off my kids' plates too and I am getting better b/c I write it down, everybite. I see where it adds up. I also have started to brush my teeth before feeding my kids so I am less likley to want to eat, b/c food and toothpaste tastes nasty. I allow myself a small low points snack in the evening. I set aside points for it. Planning ahead, knowing I have something has helped me from binging.

WW is a great program. Maybe you want to try it again. WW has two programs to choose from now. I've have heard great things about the core portion of it, I do flex and LOVE it! We have a great group of ladies in the WW groups and clubs forum, The Slimmin Sistas. You are welcome to join us there. I don't think I could do this everyday without my Sistas! I think though the biggest thing that may help you is acknowledging your successes each day, on teh scale and off, with eating and not. Everyday is not a failure if you are not PERFECT. I have this perception too. Give yourself kudos for what went well.

I also couple Dr. Phil's information with what I learn in WW. Dr. Phil offers some great solutions for resolving our relationships with food and teh people who influenced that. I ahve also heard that his book Relationship Rescue can help people resolve issue in a relationship. Not sure if it will help you resolve the feelings that are still lurking from your parents' lifestyle, but it may both books may help you heal and move on. Creating your own new and healthy understanding of how to deal with your self image, your personal truth and your weightand food issues.

Exercise may also help your feelings about how you look. You will feel energized, and more fit. Building lean muscles and strength will make you feel better about yourself.

I really hope you find some comfort and encouragment here. And that you find success in everyday!

I also am going to lose 15 pounds, the weight I gained in the last three years. Well, 18 pounds, from 138 to 120. I'm only 5'3". I live in Los Angeles so it's a different perception here, I'm heavy by LA standards. My husband and I went to Bakersfield and Fresno for soccer last year and I was skinny there! Perhaps it would just be easier to move. Ah, well, I'm 57 and not interested in moving so I signed up for Jenny Craig. 15 pounds is fine with them, they have a lot of models and actresses who only want to lose 5 or 10. I love their program. I substitute some things (a glass of wine for the night snack for instance) but basically it's a 1200 calorie diet which allows no variations so there's no way anyone can mess it up. Weight Watchers was way too complicated for me, too many choices and most of the leaders in our area are overweight which after a year of going and not being inspired, I stopped going. So, good luck to you!

Hi Misty,

Thanks you for your heartfelt response. Your right I do have a very distorted self image of myself. Others tell me how beautiful I am but if I'm not at my goal weight I don't feel beautiful at all! I am the hardest one on myself! I am 145 lbs. I was between 128 and 134 lbs for about 7 years. I compare myself to myself...It's not so much the weight but it's feeling like a failure when I can't seem to stick to my points, and the memories of overindulgence and not being able to stop. I thought I worked through the issues with my mother but they resurface at times, especially lately . As far as binging and purging I haven't done that in 18 years. I feel that I've been healed in that area.

Thank you for the invite I will check out the slimmin sisters, I need the support! I think the support is going to be great! I see my need for it! After reading your post, I cried, and felt the strength to not eat more last night and work out. I did the ww point system and loved it , I've never done flex points. Part of my success was always journaling daily...I just have gotten so away from that. Support really does help. Maybe that's the missing key for me.

I will check out Dr. Phil's books also! Thanks for all your suggestions.

I also liked your suggestion to brush my teeth! I used to do the white strips on my teeth in the evenings to keep from eating also.

I used to work out all the time, I mean daily...that was my way of getting a break with my 2 children. They are 10 months apart. They have childcare at the gym I go to and I would go even if I didn't work out hard just for the break, even to just shower and sauna. I broke my toe 6 weeks ago and that really set me back. I did some weights and pilates but really got out of the habit.

Today I will start journalling again! Thanks! You did encourage me!!

Ellen

Hi Almost 58,

I've been to LA, and yes I know what you mean! Peer pressure can be so hard, especially when we allow it to lower our thoughts of ourselves. Good luck to you with your goals!
Ellen

Amazongal,

My name is Elie and i have to lose over 100 lbs because i am thinking of my baby girl, well health wise for myself but also for my baby girl. I don't want her growing up and looking at me like i am an alien, and i don't want to keep saying "i can't go because i can't walk". After I read your message, i knew i am doing this for the right reasons. I have joined Jenny Craig and i can see that you definitely were well aware of your mom's weight problem and eating issues and it effected you severely as I can see because you didn't want to become your mom. Well you made me definitely think wow, i am really doing the right thing now I want my charlene to look at me and say "wow i have a beautiful mom" instead of "I don't want to be like my mom" that would hurt me more than anything else. You see i divorced her father 14 years ago, when we had our first daughter named Jessica who is 15, and her father got married 2 more times until we got back together again two years ago LOL. It really is a turn around for us. I married twice but he is the only man i ever married. Anyway, we got pregnant with Conner, we lost that pregnancy due to a stupid amniocentesis. I had an underlying infection and it got through the amnio hole and well i developed chorioamnionitis which is infection of the placental sac eventually getting to the baby, then we got pregnant again and had my Charlene. We have had a long journey to get to this little baby we got now and I don't want anything to distort her image of me.

thank you for your storyk, you have opened my eyes in a way not many people have. I realize that my decision to do it not just for me but for my daughter was a very wise one. I am so sorry for all your troubles and problems that is a hard road to have and i don't want my baby having the same road.

I am sorry about your parents, its too bad that no one decided to get help but its called denial and thinking you don't have a problem. I tried that route but it didn't work for me. This is the first time i really told my story about my husband and how little Conner was lost to us. All i said before was we lost him but it was due to through some dumb test that they wanted to do on me to see if he was genetically ok but the fact was even if he was messed up i wasn't going to get rid of him so a lot of my emotional eating is because I am beating myself up daily over this loss. I am better now but i have the grief support groups to help with that one, i just have to make sure i reach for the carrots and cucumbers when i feel the need to eat

Take care and sorry this post was so long, you really hit a mark with me when I read your post. I feel like i could be reading something my daughter would write in years to come if i don't get my weight under control.

sorry again for the long post LOL, i tend to get long winded ha ha!!! now if i can exercise the way i type i will be skinny in no time LOL

You know I grew up in San Deigo area...and OMG do I know what you mean...by the time I was 13 I weighed 185lbs. I was FAT!!! I was tormented at school and my life was terrible. I live in the northern US now and I see kids who are larger than the rest and they are NOT teased like I was. I am glad I am raising my kids here rather than California (well most of it at least). I am 40lbs overweight now and on my way (again) to a healthy weight. My daughter is 110lbs at 13 and is NOWHERE close to where I was emotionally or physically and I give our area credit for that.

Good luck to you.....

Hi Elie,

Please don't apoligize for a long post. The longer the better as far as I'm concerned!! I am sooooo sorry for your loss and thankful that you shared what really happened to Conner. I can imagine the guilt that can plague you, but you were following the Drs. suggestions and were doing what you thought was best for Conner. I believe his spirit knows and understands that. I hate amnios!! They pressured me to have one with my son and I refused. I could not believe the pressure they put on me to have one. Again I am sorry!!! I'm sure Charlene feels so loved by you!!

I love the story of your husband!

I'm so glad my story hit your heart! I will share a little more. I have a vivid memory of my mother when I was 7 years. I was coming home on the school bus and my friend said there is your mother (waiting with the other mothers) and I lied and said she's not my mother, she's my aunt. I am ashamed to say, I was so embarrassed of my mother. I wish that I wasn't embarrassed of her. Maybe part of it was she wasn't always there emotionally for me. When she died they had to order a special coffin for her because she was so large. I also remember cleaning out her refrigerater. I was having a fit of rage and throwing all the JUNK out and blaming her for killing herself...I will say that I have worked through alot and thankfully before she died we had some heartfelt conversations where she cried and apologized to me for her ways. I do forgive her, she was truly enslaved (I believe now) and I do understand it. When I am binging and can't stop and experience that awful feeling afterwards...I'm thinking she felt like that alot, and felt helpless. I do miss her and can look past all that junk, but do wish things were so different!

All the best to you!
Ellen

Hey amazon...if your looking for a buddy, I would be glad to be one!! You can check out my post if you like!!! (it's cleverly entitled.... Need a Buddy!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!) hahaha...I wish you the best of luck in your journey!

Hi ladies!

Ellen and Eliie, Both your stories have really touched me. I just want to say thank you. You've helped bring back my focus that has been waning for a couple weeks. I have two beautiful kids, and I just want them to be normal. I don't want them to pass on all my bad habits, and I don't want them to grow looking back at me as the mom who didn't try.

Thank You!