This is my other quandry this morning.

My friend told me "Susan, I can't do what you do. I have over 100 lbs to lose." Another said, "I wish I could just do everything you do but I'm so much taller." Still another "Well, if I was your age ..."
When my daughter first came to 3fc she looked hard for someone her height. weight and age to correspond with.

Why do we want someone "just like me"? Why do we do this exclusionary thing? Why do we want to set ourselves aside from hundreds of folks who may know something we can learn? Or is it even that, am I being touchy? Isn't a pound lost, a pound lost? Doesn't 'eat less and move more' translate into every language, creed, colour and culture?

What do you think?

If you find someone who is your height and roughly your weight and wants to lose the same amount of weight, comparing yourself to that person can help you stay on track. Like, if a 300 lb. 5'8" woman buddied up with a 160 lb. 5'2" woman, they the shorter woman might get discouraged at seeing her buddy lose more weight quickly. Or the taller woman might be intimidated by the shorter woman b/c she is so much lighter.
Just a theory.

I don't necessarily care if we have the same amount of weight to lose etc., but it is helpful to have people with the same life situation. I only say that because being a mom of a young child and working I don't have the same weight loss obstacles as someone who is retired etc.. That being said, I learn a lot from reading posts and thoughts from a variety of women on this site. I love the differences in experience, goals and where we are all in this process. Just having someone to connect with and keep you accountable is most valuable, in my opinion anyway.

To me.. it's about a lack of self acceptance. If someone else is the same as you, then you must not be too bad... right? It's a mental thing. It's hard feeling good about yourself in a world/society of airbrushed/trimmed images and shallow television programs that show how easy it is to reconstruct yourself with surgery.

People need to spend more time getting to know themselves... and not trying to create what people say/assume we are or should be.

i think most people in this situation are looking for a mirror who can actually talk back. i do it too....its not that i dont value what other people who have lost or are in the process of losing have to offer. i just feel like i can relate better to someone who is my height, is (or preferably was!) my starting weight, my race, my gender, etc....the more we have in common the better! because if someone who i consider to be just like me can do this, then theres less room for me to believe that i cant.

You bring up a really good point, Susan (as usual), and I don't know which side of the proverbial fence I'm on for this one. I can see BOTH sides, I guess.

I know that I love to see a person whose ticker "looks like" mine -- not the amount they've LOST necessarily, but what their start weight and goal weight are. Even if someone is 180 - 190 lbs NOW and just starting out with no loss yet, I somehow *gravitate* toward them. Maybe I feel like "I can see myself in them" or something? I dunno. And at the same time, if I see on someone's ticker that they're 120 lbs now but want to reach 110 I sort of feel like I can't relate to them...as if they wouldn't "get it" as far as what it was like to be 189 lbs. And on the flip side (lest you think I'm catty and superficial) there have also been times when I've wanted to post an answer or support someone whose ticker says they want to lose 100+ lbs, but part of me feels *bad* because maybe they would think that I don't understand what they're going through and I don't want to come off sounding like I'm *bragging* or something because of what MY ticker says...GOSH, that sounds paranoid.

I don't even know if any of that made sense.

It's kind of ironic, actually, because we ALL wish the world would stop judging us based on our size. But in this particular ticker-rich online environment one of the first things (and sometimes one of the only things) we learn about another person is their size. I'm not saying we JUDGE each other when we see each other's tickers -- precisely the opposite -- but it's just kind of weird that the tickers make it possible to identify (or not identify) with another 3FC member based on their weight...which is what we DON'T want to happen in the non-cyber world.

I think the really important thing is that I've learned TONS of stuff from the people here -- fantastic tips and inspiration and ideas from people who weigh 320 lbs or 120 lbs.

I think I'm babbling again. Too much tea . I hope that made sense.

I certainly don't think it's a bad thing to try to find people like you. I really enjoy the 300+ group because I know they understand what I am going through. Someone who has nearly 200 (or more) pounds to lose often has a much different mindset from someone who only has 20 or so to lose (not always, but often).

Yes, a pound lost is a pound lost, but I want someone who will be able to support me throughout my entire journey, not someone who will lose their 20 pounds and be at goal, whereas once I have lost my 20 pounds, I still have over 100 to go! I definitely don't exclude people based solely on their weights (starting, current, or goal), but I do tend to relate better to those who have a similar journey to mine.

As for age, that's what I like about the 20s group. I'm not a married mother who stays home all day. I'm also not retired, nor do I only work one job. It's easier to get ideas from people who are in a similar situation, and a lot of the girls in the 20s group are in school and working, which is similar to my 2-job schedule.

I'm not saying I don't get great ideas from those who are different from me, because I absolutely do! However, many of the older women on here wouldn't be as understanding as those on the 20s board of a major alcoholic binge followed by a night of pizza, chips, and other no-no foods, ya know? It's all in who you relate to best. I think it's important, though, not to immediately discredit others who are different from you--often, they have very valuable advice to give.

I sometimes feel bad about giving out weight loss advice on certain boards. It's like, gosh, Jill has only lost 30 pounds since she joined here, why would she try to give anyone else any advice when clearly SHE needs the advice?! For some, 30 pounds is a lot no matter where you started, but for me, it's barely even a stepping stone. We all see things from different points of view, so why not try to find others who share your point of view? If nothing else, it saves you time on trying to explain your point of view to them

Wow, great points everyone! I think it's natural that we want to find others we can more closely relate to. Someone needing to lose 20-50 lbs. probably wouldn't understand the shame of limited ability, hygiene issues, or excess, saggy skin related to the morbid obesity of a 300+ lb. person. We want to talk with others who'll get exactly what we're going through, and the more alike we are, the easier it is to relate. I know I did it when I first joined 3fc, and even now, I'm more likely to reach out to those who are starting out where I did. I guess it's because I want to give them hope that this really can be done, and maybe if it's coming from someone who's been in their shoes, it might make more of a difference.

Beverly

Everyone makes such great points. As someone who has dieted many times and failed - with my husband... I can see the need for finding someone who is more like yourself. For one, every time he loses like 30 lbs as if it's nothing! No effort on his part - stop eating crappy foods and he's good to go! I could be exercising, dieting, miserable and lose 10 to his 30. And then I get discouraged, cry, say screw this, eat some candy and stop the diet. *L* Being matched with someone who has a likeness to you is easier because there is less competition, you're both going at the same rate for the most part and have the same ability to lose weight as the other. If she loses 10 lbs one week and I only lose 5, I can talk to her and determine what she did right, or I did less right - and adjust accordingly. Whereas there is no way on this earth that I will ever be able to keep up with my husband's weightloss.
And then there is also the jealousy of trying to lose weight (me 100 lbs to go) with someone who has only 20 lbs to go. You constantly wonder if they think they're so fat what do they think about you? And start judging them for judging you - or a percieved judgement anyway. It's a vicious cycle of letting yourself down.

But that's why these boards are so great. For the most part everyone is perfectly anonymous and everyone can learn from everyone else, 115 lbs or 415 lbs, and you don't have the pressure and disappointment of competition.

I personally look for someone in my shoes. Someone who can relate to me. For me with 100 lbs I need to lose its hard to talk to someone who has 10 lbs to lose about weight loss.. cause I don't feel can really relate to how I feel about being so overweight. Although I do work out with my SIL was only has about 15 lbs she wants to lose. We have fun working out together and laugh alot which keeps both our spirits up. I think a big part of it is trying to find someone who shares your goals and can share the pain you have gone through in life but I will never turn anyone away no matter what their goal. As long as they support and don't judge me and I do the same for them its all good

I have a question. It's sorta along the lines of this topic, so I thought it was a good place to ask.

I mentioned in my previous post in this thread that there have been times when I wanted to respond to someone on a board, but felt weird about it because I don't have the same goals they do. For example, if someone posts a question on the 100lb club or 300+ forum, I don't know if it's actually okay for me to respond there...even if I feel like I have some good advice or want to support them.

What is the etiquette here? Is it okay for me to post occasionally on those forums or would I be annoying people and/or stepping on toes?

Just curious.

In my opinion, if you have something to share by all means share it! However - I usually am in the Alternachicks forum and anything goes there. I look at someone who's had success losing and assume they are doing something right, so anything they have to share might help me.