Some of you will recognize my handle, I've been here a couple of times in the past, never made it out of Phase One. Please bear with me, I could use all the advice you guys have.

I was laying in bed last night and it hit me -- I am slowly killing myself. All year long, I've been stating a goal of being below 300 pounds by my birthday, 2 weeks ago I got on the scale and was 346 pounds, 5 pounds lower than my highest weight of 351. I was down to 327 when I gave up Phase One last. I will be 30 on October 27th but more than wanting to be below 300, my physical health is not good.

While I still say that I'm better off than others my size in general, my blood sugar is out of control. Cholesterol etc is all within normal range but my sugars are just crazy. My father was diagnosed as a Type II diabetic at age 40 and was on insulin in the couple of years leading up to his death from Cancer in 2002. I KNOW what diabetes does to the body, my Dad already had diabetic neuropathy by the time he was diagnosed. I know that Canadian and American blood sugar values are different but I'll give you an example. Normal BS values 3 hours after eating should be between 4 and 7. Regularly, mine are in the high teens. I'm on an oral medication but my endocrinologist is more of a "you can do this on your own" guy. I can do it on my own too -- when following a good carb diet, I regularly test in the single digits. This doctor also didn't believe that I was insulin resistant but did an insulin test just to pacify me. A normal reading is 60-80 units in your blood, mine was 333 units. No, my computer key did not stick - 333 units. So I was right, I'm insulin resistant.

I know that South Beach works. Even though I've not posted in a long time, I check the boards every day even though I'm not following the program either. I don't want to die, I don't want the complications of diabetes either. I am an addict. I am angry because unlike other addicts, food is not something that I can walk away from and abstain to recover.

What is wrong with me? What will it take for me to change?

Kristin

I guess you just have to get to a place where the desire to change trumps everything else. I know it's hard but you just have to buckle down. Just take it one day at a time and remember that each time you put food in your mouth you are making a choice of whether or not that food will benefit or harm you. You're still young and you have your whole life ahead of you so do what you need to do to make it a great life. We're all here for you and you already know the great results you can get with the SBD so pull out your chair and get back on the beach. You can do it, girl!!

Don't give up. Easy to say, I know. Your Dr may be a do-it-yourself kind of guy, but that isn't helping you. You may need help to change, at least in the beginning, until you get on track and can confidently stay there ( or return there after a lapse).

You're tuned in to the dangers of overweight. Intellectually, you know what you have to do. Emotionally, you're still stuck.

I see this as a two pronged attack! One, get on a program and/or get nutritional counseling from a registered dietician.

Two, become accountable. Perhaps you need a weekly weigh in to help you maintain your commitment and inner-strength.

You may also need to examine your emotional self. What's holding you back? Why have you been medicating yourself with food? Perhaps individual or group counseling to help you set a strategy you can stick with will help.

I wish you all the best in your journey to good health. You deserve to live well and to be happy. Don't keep wishing for it, get started on attaining it!

Please feel free to drop me a line if you need a "buddy" for encouragement.

Best,
~S~

KristinJ, welcome back. We missed you - I always miss Canadians a lot!

You have already taken the first step to recovery in coming here. Let us know if we can help you in any specific way. I too am Type II diabetic on Metformin but have finally got my BGL under control. However, I'm still very much overweight.

What will it take to make us change? I don't know. Maybe we can find the solution together.

(By the way, American chickies, Canadians measure BGL differently from the USA. Multiply our readings by 18 to get the US equivalent.)

Please hang out with us, even if your weight doesn't budge for a while. It's when we are "stuck" that we need to post more.

Now if I don't hear from you, I'll hop into my car and go out to Winnipeg to get you - it's only 29 hours if I go ther through the States! Just kidding....sort of.

Ah Kristen..Hugs 2 U! These ladies have given you pearls of wisdom! All of us here struggle with our weight and health each day. Small incremental changes adds to that epiphany and awakening. You might want to Bop over to the Chicks in Control Room here .. I believe there is an OA group on here too. Seek support, arm yourself with information and become knowledgeable about YOURSELF, Your Body, Your trigger foods, moods etc.. and plan on how to be mindful of your new way of eating and new way of life..
We're all rootin for ya luv!

Hi, I hope that you decided to start posting regularly I am sure that all the support you can get will help. Instead of taking it one day at a time try taking the steps even smaller, one meal at a time. Remember you and only you can make the changes. And we here at the beach will be there with you every step of the way.

Hi Kristen,

It is difficult to force that moment when logic and emotion come together to give you that initial commitment. I've been struggling with re-committing for the next leg of my own journey and have found a book that might be helpful.

"Think Thin, Be Thin: 101 Psychological Ways To Lose Weight" by Doris Wild Helmering (it isn't the same as "Think Yourself Thin") The beauty of this book is that it presents many, many ideas so you can figure out which ones apply to you and which ones might work for you. Each concept is presented in a short chapter (2-3 pages) with examples and sometimes quizzes. Some things will work for you and some won't. But what a wealth of ideas!

When you have a lot of weight to lose it can seem overwhelming and impossible. But it isn't. Taking the doubt and negativity out of the process is one thing addessed in that book. I hope you will read it and find something in it to help you. (I found it at my local library, so you probably don't need to buy it.)

Best of luck to you!

Hi Kristen,
I have tried to lose weight dozens of times. I have tried so many different plans!! What I have finally realized is that I was killing myself also. Since I am 48 the pace was accelerating and it wasn't going slowly any longer!
I am a type II diabetic, I am on glucophage and I thank God for the medication as I hope I will, as I lose more weight get healthier and at some point may not need it any longer!!
It took health problems to get me to try once again. I hope and pray that you will start your new way of eating...and stick to it before you get more problems with your health!!
Posting here helps as everyone is nice and helpful and encouraging!! Don't just read, post a LOT!! Post when you are feeling good about the beach, and when you are having a tough time!!!
P.M. me any time and I will be happy to talk with you!!
((((((Hugs))))))))), its not easy, but when you start to feel better it is so much worth it!!!!

Kristen, welcome back, hon!
Ruth's right... keep posting... even when we're not losing, we're at least receiving (as well as giving to) support from others. It's so important...

Kristin... I think that finding what empowers you is tough, particularily when we are dealing with such hard issues like eating and emotions. As you have mentioned yourself, you have the need (your health problems), you have the knowledge (you know the SBD works for you) and you have support (all the chickies here will wrap you in it) - so what gives you the will do do it? Only you can answer that... perhaps getting a memory board or inspiration board together that gives you a visual of all the things you have to gain personally as you lose weight... try and figure out *payment* your weight gives you - for me its an excuse no to have to go out and meet people, so I don't stress about being judged, at the core of me - I have no idea why peole would want to be my friend and like me... so now I work on that as well as my weightloss as they go hand in hand... I can't address one without addressing the other. I find more success and motivation that way.

Keep posting and talking through your feelings - everyone is here to help each other and there is nothing to fear.

Thank you so much for the support everyone. I am leaving to go to Ontario for a few days on Wednesday. My Grandma Doe died at the end of July (I stepped into her hospital room as she died) but circumstances were such that one of my Uncles from the West Coast couldn't make it so her funeral is September 1st. I had hemmed and hawed that I would start fresh when I got back but I am making that commitment right now. I will do the best I can while I'm gone but I also know that I can't quit my emotional eating in the middle of a crisis -- I have a diagnosis of depression and I think it's in my best interest mental health wise not to start new coping techniques when I'm already dealing with something, know what I mean?

Heidi - my local Chapters bookstore has that book in stock so I think I'll pick it up to start on the plane. I will try substituting reading for eating as I can. Thanks for the great tip.

None of my friends are on SBD but are 99% of the time supportive, I'm extremely lucky. I am going to have to figure out away to be accountable so I'll be thinking of that. I also think I may get a huge white board to plan my meals ahead of time and stick it in the kitchen as a constant reminder of what is coming up and what I need to stick to.

Ruth -- the funeral is in Havelock, ON -- near Peterborough. Grandma died in Kingston though, anywhere near you? I won't have time to visit unfortunately but I'll think, hey Ruth is only X hours away!

Thanks again so much everyone. I'll post until Tuesday night, then when I get home Sunday night. You are all angels in disguise.

Kristin

KristinJ - I'm sorry you are having so many troubles . Would it help you to get a diet buddy? Find someone in your area, a good and sympathetic friend would be best, who is willing to be your buddy. If she needs one too, even better - you can help each other then. When you find yourself depressed, or tempted to give in to a craving, or just need a word of encouragement, agree that you can call each other ANY time, day or night . And then DO it!

Good luck; you deserve the good care!

Great question you've asked....what will it take and why do we do this to ourself?

I work in the ER, I see first hand the choices of people's lifestyles. People come in unable to breath because of trashed lungs, yet they want to smoke. People hardly able to walk because of the weight they carry.....I don't know the answer either. I stuff my face with crud that will undo what I've tried to do....why? It tastes good? I need the "fix"?

We all understand and no one judges you. Hang on and love yourself more. You deserve it~

Kristin,

So many words of wisdom! You have definitly come back to the right place!

I totally understand food addiction! It can be very hard, sometimes it seems impossible, to overcome that addiction.

I had an epiphany in June. I looked at myself in a mirror on the way out the door to a soccer game, and didn't like what I saw. I was ALMOST OK with that until I ran into someone I hadn't seen in many years (and many pounds!). I just wanted to crawl into a hole and die rather than be recognized and judged.

My point? You sound as though you may have reached YOUR epiphany! Now is the time to be telling yourself how important you are! You deserve better health and a happier life! Start SBD and plan your meals. Take little chick's advice and take it one meal at a time. If you fall off the wagon, forgive yourself and get right back on.

The book Heidi recommended sounds like a great tool, too! There has to be a few things there you can use to your advantage.

Set yourself little goals. Don't look at the big picture. Numbers are just numbers anyway, right? Think small (no pun intended), like a five pound goal. Then reward yourself, not with food, but with a manicure, a new book, etc.

You can do it! We are all with you!

Kristen-- these ladies have given some wonderful advice. I need to take some of it myself. When I really think about it there are a lot of reasons that I have let myself become what I have become. I am a woman full of excuses and it is sometimes all to easy to let the excuses fly. But like you, I don't want to die. I want to succeed where I previously had not.

You can do it!! WE BELIEVE IN YOU!!

btw -- I love your mini goal.