Hi everyone,

Let me start out by saying I don't want to be here. I don't want to make myself lose weight. I don't want to start something I know I will fail at again. And I don't want to try hard at something that is going to take so long to accomplish. I have been yo yo dieting for about 10 years, and I am so close to giving up forever. Depression comes here and there, and it continues to get worse. I keep telling myself if I'd just lose weight, I'd be happier. But deep down, I know that doesn't solve all of life's problems. So then I get in the "I'm okay, everyone should just accept me" mode. This is a constant every day battle that I am so tired of fighting. I go from being determined, working hard, exercising every day, and eating right to depressed, suicidal, eating junk food most meals, and not exercising at all within 2 weeks to a month. I'm so tired. I joined a women's gym a month ago, and I am already considering quitting.

I really don't know what I need. I'd like to announce that I want a work out buddy to go to the gym with, but what if I quit that in a month. I don't know what to do anymore. I don't want to lose weight, I have to. And I don't know how.

Hi Belle,

I can honestly say I know how you feel. First I have to ask, have you been to a doctor? either your regular GP or a psychiatrist? I myself could not figure out why I can't stick with anything long, I would beat myself up so bad only to get heavier and heavier.... I went last year to a psychiatrist and it turns out I have ADHD (and other issues lol). But my point is, its a start, I no long beat myself up b/c I understand why I do what I do.

I believe you didn't find this place by mistake, so please, find a board to post on, ask questions, meet some friends and with the help of your doctor things can change for the better.

Hugs !!!

Belle, like Leenie said, you are definitely not alone. The weight struggle has a definite place in depression. If you think about it logically, how can it not? Food for most of use is a comfort. It's very hard to sort of give up that friend, but you can't totally give it up. I have many obsessions, but the very hardest is being a foodaholic. You can't totally give it. Leenie has given you great advice about finding a board that you totally feel comfortable on. 3FC has made a change in me much easier. It can help you too and your doctor is your advocate and will help you.
Marie

I appreciate your responses. It makes me feel better and no so alone to see others respond and understand. Sometimes I withdraw myself so much that I feel like I am alone.

I have been told to see a doctor by friends and family, but right now I do not have insurance..I really don't want to anyways, mostly because I have before. I was told that everybody has problems, to get over it, and put on Zoloft. The meds just spiralled me into worse depression. Every time I told my dr it wasn't working, he just upped my prescription. I don't trust them. I have a friend who just graduated in homeopathic medicine and her field really interests me. I do try to shop for organic and otherwise healthy foods, they make me feel better. But I really only eat healthy about half the time. I think if I can just make myself more determined...just not sure how. I'm going to try to be active on here. Just watch me in 2 weeks to about a month, I'll be wanting to give up. I know this is something I have to do. Since my decision about five years ago to stop being fat, I have lost 45 pounds, but all with yo yo dieting. I'd lose 30, gain 20...lose 15, gain 5, lose 25, gain 10...I've never gained it all back, but it's ongoing. I'm very frustrated! I have tried Metabolife, about three or four other weight loss pills, ediets, Naturally Women, Well for Life, a dr monitored diet, and most recently Nutrisystem...All which work to a degree...then I get sick of it and quit.

You know what? I give up every day, but then I try again the next day. Its all we can do.

As far as your doctor blowing you off, I think you need to see a Psychiatrist and not a regular GP. I was on Zoloft for a short period of time and I will NEVER go on that again. I had very violent thoughts being on that stuff. There are so many other medications you can try but remember this, medication is NOT the cure, it is a tool to help you get better, a very good tool.

I understand your frustrations with diets. I get sick of them too, or is it bored? I have ADHD and well I pretty much don't stick with anything.

Diet Pills are a waste of your health, time and money. You'll only wind up gaining. What you need to do is watch your caloric intake. What about Weight Watchers points system. You can do it at home but I bet the meetings will help you. WW teaches you portion control AND you get to eat what YOU like, so maybe you won't get bored so fast. Just think...the money you save on junk food you can put towards the meetings, if its to expensive, you can always do it from home.

There are ways, you just gotta keep trying. I see you've lost 45 BIG WHOPPIN pounds, thats WONDERFUL !!!! and may I as how?? You can do it!!!!

At my highest weight, I was having difficulties fitting into Walmart's biggest size (28), and I got desperate. That is when I began experimenting with diet pills, which I know now was not healthy. Unfortunately, I began experimenting with drugs (meth, to be exact) and that brought on a huge weight loss, but I gained a lot of it back after I was able to quit. Since then, I have been yoyo dieting, losing but slowly because I always gain some back. So my weight loss was nothing special, just a lot of bad mistakes..

Out of the bad came some good so look at the 45 pounds as a head start. You can do this and it is a daily fight. Sometimes the temptations are harder to resist than other times. But one those times that you do resist, give yourself a pat on the back and use it to make you stronger. Belle, you really aren't alone. If there is one thing I've learned is that being fat is a protection from something else. In my case, food was a comfort and I was constantly "bored" with my life. That was from all my bipolar meds. They made me nearly apathetic. So I do understand your reluctance to try meds again. Exercise and light therapy are my tools now (only recently got off all meds) and I pray that they work. Type exercise and depression into Google and do a little research on how the exercise changes the seratonin levels in your brain - what antidepressants do with tons of side effects. The only side effect of exercise seratonin is that you get healthier. Not too bad, huh? Just start with walking for ten minutes aday. You will feel better.

One thing to watch for on yoyo dieting is going from one extreme to the next. Try really hard to just do a good job on eating and exercising. Being perfect will set you up for more yo-yoing and you already know how frustrating that is.

I also tried Zoloft about 5 years ago and it was horrible. I was ravaneously hungry and very abrupt in my though processes. There are lots of new meds out there that are way better than Zoloft so that still could be a good avenue for you. I can't agree more with Leenie that the key is seeing a psychiatrist. They are medical doctors that specialize in the drugs for mental health. They won't blow you off or just up the meds. My experience with them is that they really listen and try to get the right meds for you.

Yes you can say, but Marie, you went off all meds. I did this with the knowledge that I have my dr. if I fail. So Leenie is very right that you need a medical doctor with mental drug expertise.

Take care, Belle.
Marie

HI Belle (lets leave manic out of it for now):

Yes, I've had days, weeks, months, where I think WHY EVEN TRY? But something called self-preservation kicks in and you pull yourself up....

What is the kicker for you? (everyone has something different, for me it was vanity and embarrassment)....You've got to believe that you can do it, because the alternative (giving up)won't do a thing for you....

You are fortunate enough to be young and strong......and able to overcome this obstacle...but you need to get professional assistance. If you don't have insurance, social services can hook you up with a state agency. Your mental health and physical health are tied together.

Go back and read your first post, take most of the sentances with the word *don't* and change them to DO......because I think that's what you really might want....

good luck, talk to you soon.

Hi mani!

Your story sounds so similar to mine that I could have easily written it myself. I get motivated, lose my steam, sink into depression, get fatter. It doesn't always happen in that order, and sometimes health problems factor in, but, however it happens it always happens. Heck, I've even considered doing the meth thing myself in a moment of desperation, but fortunatly I was too damn broke and too scared of getting caught to follow up on it.

Lately I've been trying to identify the things that make me lose steam and want to give up. I've discovered that it's not just me being weak. There are specific causes.

One for me is hunger. I have to eat steadily through-out the day because if I get to hungry I lose all resolve and eat something huge and fattening. Then I feel like a failure and get depressed and wonder why I even bother. A little evil voice inside says "why am I doing this? what's the point? why not just eat whatever and be happy" but of course, that's a lie because I'm not happy looking and feeling as I do and eating won't help.

I also have a hard time sticking to the plan when I'm angry. I'll get mad and then start shoving food in my face. Sometimes to choke down the feeling of rage and the pain it causes me. Sometimes when I do it I feel a sense of angry gratification. Like, I'll munch on candy and be like "so there! how do you like that! I'll eat and make myself miserable and unhealthy! nyah nyah" except...I realized I wasn't hurting anyone but myself. Who am I trying to show? What am I trying to prove?

Self pity doesn't help either. "no one loves me, I'm pathetic and a loser. Why not eat? At least it's something pleasurable. No one could ever care about me anyway"

The MOST evil is apathy. Controlling emotional eating is one thing, but how do you control abject apathy? "I don't care anymore. Fat or thin. It doesn't matter" When in an apathetic funk I sometimes lose weight because I just don't care enough to be bothered ot eat. But mostly I gain because if I do eat, it's only something that requires zero effort...like a bag of chips. I've had several days where I ate nothing but a bag of chips and a candy bar. "Tummy's growling. must be hungry" "there's stuff in the fridge" "yeah, but that would require getting up" "meh...it can wait" Yeah....that dialog has gone off in my head.

Anyway, the point of all this is that to overcome the things that keep me in that same vicious cycle I had to IDENTIFY them. It's not easy. Trust me, I hate admitting these things in public. I'm ashamed of the things I've found in myself. However, facing them is helping me discover that I don't have to give in to them. I'm learning new ways to pull myself out of this rut I've worn in the floor. I've had some set-backs to be sure. I've gone off the wagon and had to find a way to get myself back on. But...I'm doing it...You can too!

If you ever want anyone to talk to about it all...someone who understands the cycle and also has a LOT of weight to lose...I'll be here. PM me or email me.

And don't worry about getting involved and then giving up...if it happens, I'll understand, but I will try to help you get over giving up, as I hope you'd help me...

Hi belle

Just want to say I agree with what Leenie said.

In women, often, depression is diagnosed instead of ADD/ADHD, and although the meds can relieve some of the symptoms, it does not help with all of them. I was diagnosed with clinical depression 15 years ago. Tried lots of different meds but none of them quite hit the mark for me.

Since I was diagnosed ADD the doctors have told me that my diagnosis of depression was kind of skewed ( I did have some depression but it was a result of the ADD- kind like the chicken and the egg). Working on the ADD symptoms helps the depression.

You sound a lot like me.***I am not a doctor, and there could be many reasons*** for your hard struggles, but like Leenie said, try to see someone who understands lots of different situations. There could be an explanation as to how you are,and if there is, you will start to learn not to talk so negative about yourself and learn new ways to handle things.

Good luck!

Thanks for all your kind responses. I am considering seeing a doctor again. I might be able to get insurance soon, so that's good.

I think if I could find a medicine that will at least keep me focused and determined and not give things up so easily, I might be able to accomplish a significant weight loss.

I also need to not be so stubborn. I have failed at so many attempts at weight loss that I automatically assume I will fail again. So I give up easily. I used to be a strong, do it myselfer (?), and now everything I try seems to be too hard. I'm not complaining, although I know it sounds that way. And that is why i become so introverted. It's an endless cycle. It is nice to know that there are others who have the same problems, and I am really not alone.

I give up easy too. But then I'm at it again. You sound like me

Hang in there.

Sometimes I get so frustrated I actually scream when my clothes won't fit(I live alone but my pets think i'm nutz). but I just won't give up....I used to *crash* frequently and my doc. helped my identify my pattern of self-destructive behavior (over 2 years). Now I just kind of veer off the highway and stall for a day.