Hi guys..


So I dont know if any of you are familer with my story.. I'll make it short. I lost my baby at about 6 months along and I wanted to TTC as soon as possible.. my fiance said (not so nicely) that I needed to lose weight.. I was pretty pissed but in all honesty I agreed.. so here I am.. plugging along and losing weight..

My fiance is on a business trip that includes manila.. phunket and france. He's been away for a week with another week to go.

He called me.. he was really upset (he's been really standoffish lately) and started saying how sorry he is for being so distant and just went on for over and hour about how much he loves me and needs me and all the stuff he NEVER says.. and than he says it..

I'm quoting him.. I saved the IM conversation

"what i've realized the past few days is that all the reasons i thought i had for waiting to try again were bull there was no reason, having a baby with you would be the greatest thing i could ever imagine all i can say is, now i know that the only thing i want is to love you and be loved by you and to have a family, and i will do anything to show you"

Ok.. he is never like this.. thats just not him.. so I'm shocked to say the least.

BUT! the problem is that now that I'm looking good, losing weight, feeling better.. I'm not so sure I want to try again right now.. I mean.. like my ticker says.. we planned on trying in october.. I know its only a couple of months away but he's hit a big nerve with me.. we almost broke up over everything thats happend. It just got too stressful.. but we made it through. And I want to try now but I dont..

So what am I suppose to do here??? I wanted to try in the summer so I wont be pregnant all next summer.. so august would be the perfect month to at the least try.

I had a feeling this was going to happen!! Man.. that was a long post!

Amanda

Do what your heart tells you to do. You know whats right in your mind and heart. I wish you the best, and I beleive that if you want to wait, then wait a little bit. Wait till you are both ready, and dicuss with him how you feel. And Maybe this trip was the BEST thing for the 2 of you. Sounds like you know what you want, but you're looking fomr someone to say the same thing to you just to reassure your thoughts. But anything anyone says is not going to help. I hope this wasn't offensive, Im not trying to be mean.

That's ok.. I need peoples opinions no matter what the more honest the better.

I have no idea what I want.. I'm completely torn.. thats why I wrote this


The reason I posted is to get some support and reassurance that my decision to lose the weight over trying right now is what I should stick to.. losing weight is something I take seriously.. and now that I'm working at it I cant seem to wrap my head around anything else..

And at the same time if people feel that trying to have a baby should be more important than I want to hear it

I know its all personal but when he comes home I need to be SOLID about my decison no matter what. I need opposing points so i can go into this with a clear head and not be super emotional about it. I cant do that all on my own.. I'd ask my family and friends but there torn up about the whole situation.. but I know what they'd say.

So I'd like people to play the 's advocate.. and give it to me straight

Okay, here's my two cents. I too have lost a baby, two as a matter of fact. Our first son was born prematurely and died soon after and our first daughter was stillborn at six months. I don't presume to know how you feel but I do know how devastating it is and how hard it is to decide to take that risk again. I now have a six year old son and four year old twins so I can tell you it is definately worth the risk - once YOU are ready.

The fact of the matter is that the healthier you are the better your chance of having an uncomplicated pregnancy. So, even if your weight had nothing to do with losing your baby (I assume it did not), that doesn't mean you won't still improve your odds of delivering a healthy, full-term baby if you lose at least some weight now. I know that when we tried again after losing our first baby I felt better knowing that I had eliminated as many risk factors as I had personal control over.

Obviously, you husband should have a say in the decision making process. The final decision, though, needs to be one that you both agree on. And when it is all said and done it is your body that has to do all of the work (okay, okay, he might have a LITTLE work to do. LOL) so you should absolutley follow your heart.

Okay, this is just my opinion here, as someone who has never been pregnant (I'm sure some people will disagree with me). I don't think that anyone should try to have a baby unless both partners are 150% sure that this is the right time in their lives, and that they can provide the love and support (emotional and financial) their child will require. That's not to say that an accidental baby won't be loved and supported, just that if you are going to actively try to have a baby then you'd better be sure that you are ready for it so that baby can get all the love it deserves.

So that said, I think that if you are at all conflicted about whether or not to TTC, it might be a good idea to wait until you are totally confident in your decision. Losing weight takes a lot of time and energy, and don't forget that healthy mothers make healthy babies! If you really are serious about changing your lifestyle and getting to a healthy weight, then IMO you need to spend some time focusing on yourself before you have to focus on a child. Once you have a baby (so I've been told) they become your #1 priority which puts anything you want to do on the backburner.

If you are honest with your fiance, things will be okay. They say absence makes the heart grow fonder, right? It sounds like him going on this trip has made him realize how much he loves you and needs to have you around. That shouldn't change just because you decide to wait a little longer. He loves YOU and I hope that he will love you even if you never have a child!

Anyway, that's just my opinion. I will freely admit that I know nothing about what it is like to be a mother and I have not yet reached a point in my life where pregnancy is on the radar (my bf would freak out if I went off the pill! ), so you might not want to take me as seriously as you would take others who have actually been in your situation. I'm sure when he comes back from his trip the two of you can have a talk about it and no matter what you decide, it will be the right decision.

Awww Pinkbow I am so sorry to hear that ! I went through the same thing and actually lost weight before I got preg. and my husband has never been nice about the subject with me . I was happy that I had finally lost the weight then I got preg. I would change it for the world. But I did gain all the weight back so now I am starting from square one again. I say do what makes you happy !!!

This is such a personal decision on so many levels, but were I in your position, I would wait. Get to the weight you want and work on maintaining it for a little bit before going through all the challenges of a pregnancy. With all you have been through in less than 2 years, I would keep the focus on your own health. Once you are at your best health and do have a baby, think of what you could tell your child later about how you wanted him/her so much you took a whole year to get ready! You'll have a guest in your body for nine months--imagine how well you'd clean the house before your new m-i-l came in to visit!

Also, you're going to be a new bride! That's going to be puh-lenty to handle. Think about your new weight, being a newlywed, going on some fabulous romantic honeymoon as your updated fabulous self... Think of all the new activities you'll be able to do. You're only 23 now, so even if you took three years, you'll still be a rocking young mom.

Finally, having a newborn baby was the most wonderful and most difficult thing I have ever been through...my husband too. That child will want all of you and you will want to give it all of you. I think for now though you need to give yourself your undivided attention.

Give your self some time sweetie.. I know it's tough..
I lost one as a teen
Had a beautiful daughter
then lost 4 more before having my other daughter..
(immune disorder caused the miscarriages they think)

Wait till you are ready.. you will know.. We females get that baby itch..
I'm sorry for your loss..

Sorry to hear about the loss of your first baby. I agree with everyone else though, I think you need to take this time to heal yourself and lose weight. When you are ready to try again you will be healthier and have a better chance at it, plus by getting into healthier eating habits you won't be as likely to gain more than you should during pregnancy. I think it is great that the time away made your fiance realize how much he wants to be with you, but I also think I would want to know what was behind the distance before he left, which also might be something you would want to have worked out before having a child. Good Luck to you, I wish you the best.

I'm so sorry to hear about your loss. I have never been through the loss of a child and hope it is something I don't have to experience.

But, I did struggle with the weight vs. TTC for a while. I started losing weight and lost about 45 pounds since the birth of my son (2-3-4). we knew we wanted 1-2 more just not sure when. As I started to lose the weight and feel better I also was ready to have a baby because I didn't want to get to goal only to gain it all back (although I don't know how a woman could gain 145 pounds in pregnancy but I guess it's possible). Although we weren't actively TTC, we didn't use protection on a couple of occasions and I did get PG.

If I were in your position now, I would sit down and write a list of pros and cons for each scenario. Writing always helps me to sort out my feelings. I bet by the time you are done, you will have the answer you are seeking. The only other thing I might add is you need to talk to your man about why the sudden change in feelings since he as been against it for a while.

Sounds like there were some rockies before he left and when he comes back you will have alot to discuss. Before bringing a child in the world with someone you want to know without a doubt that you can trust and and count on and know this person is the one you want to be the father of your child Also one who puts the mother on a throne because she is his queen. Its to hard these days to be doing this on your own.
Alot of women do it on their own and are very successful.
But it sounds like you both still have issues to work thru before making this a priorty. You have had a loss that Im very sorry that happened to you and him. Im in the boat of my husband wants to have a baby and im not sure I want another one. Our son is 12 and hes not his son by genetic and wants to have another one with me. I on the other hand am trying to lose my weight get healthy which he supports and will wait when im ready, but its something to really think about because if you have the chance and you know its right timing is everything. Really think of all your pros and cons and really take a deep look into your relationship and see if bringing a child into the world is right for both you and your partner.
Your not married yet and like someone else said. If your ready to get married then live as a couple first and then see about the kids.
I hope everything works out for you and what ever you decide I wish nothing but the best for both of you.

Thanks everyone for your imput.

Mom of 3.. I was thinking about all his reasons too and his sudden change of mind.. I know most of the reasons..

He wasent perpared for our son.. and was pretty upset in the beginning.. I was on BC and it failed because of my weight. He just was not ready at all.

He's a very ambitious person.. had a very hard childhood and before we met he didnt even think of having children.

losing our baby hit him harder than I could have ever imagined. He loved the baby.. more than I could ever explain

We do live together.. he bought a house 2 months after we found out and we've lived together for over a year. He is very financialy stable.. I dont work because he wants me to be a sahm and we can afford it.

this baby would get all the love an attention it could ever need or want but now I've made other plans.. I just dont know if I want to give that up..

My sister is comming to visit with my 9month old nephew for a few days.. that might help my decision go either way

I'm calling my OB on monday to see what she says too.. I just got all my blood tests back and everything is really good.. I was worked up for diabetes, possible PCOS and my cholesterol is very low. She was pretty dissapointed that we didnt plan on TTC soon after the loss.. she praised me as a mother more than once. She's setting me up with a dietitian when we do decide I can keep my weight under control.

Its tough because before we got pregnant we were planning a wedding but it seems so unimportant now.. and neither of us feel that getting married is the most important thing.. for us its just a piece of paper. So to us.. a baby is so much more important.. especially after losing our son.

Everyone has really good points and I'm considering all of them.. I really do appricate all of it.

Amanda

Hi Pinkbow,

I remember how upset you were by your fiancé's reaction when you wanted to try again right away. Even though you were very hurt by his insensitivity, you listened to advice and realized that maybe it was too soon, and maybe his reaction was caused by his own sense of loss. And now that you've come around to his point of view, he wants to turn the tables again? I apologize in advance for what I'm going to say: I may just be extrapolating from my own experience too much. For a long time I lived with my BF and wanted to get married. Finally I stopped talking about it, stopped wanting it, and BANG, then he asked. And although it no longer meant that much to me, I said yes so he wouldn't be hurt. And I never really forgave him for it. Anyway, your situation also sounds a little passive-agressive to me. By keeping you off balance, no doubt unconsciously, he maintains control. I am in no way suggesting he is doing any of this on purpose.

All this to say that I agree that you should stick to your decision for now. You thought about things in depth and made a well reasoned decision. Why not go ahead with your wedding plans first? I know it will sound old-fashioned, but marriage does still provide a greater degree of protection to spouse and child in case of problems down the road. You're still very young, there's no rush to have children, and once you have kids the relationship will change forever.

I'll get off my now. I hope this was helpful and not hurtful.

It does seem passive agressive huh?

He's not in the least.. he's bad at communication.. but he's been that way his whole life.

He didnt want me to go back on BC.. but I did.. he wanted to be able to try as soon as we were both ready and not have to worry about pills or whatever in the way (In my case its an IUD.. to much info I know )

But I took control of that situation.. its my body and if I'm going to lose weight than I dont want to have that chance of an accident.. and I dont want my next child to be a passing thought (a passionate thought ) or an oops. Not like that would be so bad.. I was hoping for it..

He's calling tonight at 2am.. I have alot of things to say now. I love all the points you guys have given me. He has alot of questions to answer

Pinkbow, more and more you sound like a strong intelligent woman who is very likely to make the best choices for herself. Good luck with the phone call tonight - it can be tough having a serious conversation over the phone, especially with someone who has trouble communicating. Please accept an express delivery of :!