Ok, so as I eat a few multi-grain wheat thins, which are officially my new potato chip I am thinking of thie Larry Elder episode I caught the other night. It was quite late at night, as I'm up late all the time. The topic was about women who had lost an excessive amount of weight. 150 to over 300 lbs. But the catch was, it wasn't all happy, how I did it, I'm a new person stuff. It was about their marriages failing because of it.
Couple A:
She lost over 200 lbs, feels great, loves herself has all this new confidence. Confidence she never had. Husband is jealous, insecure, etc, etc.
I think about that with my guy, he is that way sometimes now, what will he be like when I not only look good to him, but I look good to me and maybe a few other people? Anyways, her husband was saying how she goes out a lot more now and he doesn't like that because she never used to, and she's saying she didn't go out a lot because she didn't really like herself then. She didn't like to go out. But now she had the confidence in herself to do it. But she was also less affectionate with him. (Actually, a funny thing if you notice, all these women are now that they've lost the weight)
Couple B:
Anyways, another women, she lost like 300 lbs or something like that, and because of how big she was she had hanging skin. They hadn't had sex in like a year. And she said she actually liked herself more when she was as heavy as she was. SHE LIKED HERSELF MORE WHEN SHE WAS AS HEAVY AS SHE WAS. I was totally shocked. Her husband is saying that he loves her no matter what. He loved her then, he loves her now, forever and ever, amen. And she is saying that she loves him in the exact same way, and Larry Elder is like, so what's the problem. And it's because she just can't ACCEPT that he loves her the way she loves him. And then Larry said he would get her help for her skin. And she just started bawling, and it was really awesome.
Couple C:
Kind of similar to couple A, except, he was even trying to sabotage her weight loss success by bringing home donuts and cakes and stuff. She lost a significant amount of weight and was also very unaffectionate with her husband. Not giving him "quality time". He kept stressing the "quality time" to everyone.
Now, I am in shock because, let's be honest. In my world anyways, coming from a 21 year old 285 lb girl, who has been fat her whole life, I always hear more about the "How they did it" and "what made them change" There is little said about the dramatic changes.
I mean, to be honest I am scared to death of what life at 150 lbs will be like. I like to think I am fairly pretty now. And everyone tells me that if I lose the weight I would be a knock-out. Although they could just be being nice. I don't know what it is like to have guys check me out, or be able to wake up have a shower and put on a pair of shorts and a tank top and go outside. I can't do that right now,...in all honesty, I only did it once, and it took all the courage I had inside me. And guess what happened? Of course, I heard people say things. I had people stare. I want to know what life is like on the other side. What does it feel like to be able to paint my toenails without struggling,...to make love to my fiance without being aware of every roll and how difficult it is to do certain things. (sorry if it's too much information)
I want to know what it feels like to go into a store and go into the regular size clothes for once. I have never done that ever in my whole life. I want to know what it feels like to look in the mirror and see a beautiful body. And after seeing that show, I am even more scared.
When I was a teenager, losing weight to me was more about the vanity part. I thought that if only I was thin the popular boy would like me. And as cliche as that sounds, it's true. A-midst that, I was fairly popular around my group of friends. We weren't the geeks or the preppie popular kids, but the ones that kind of talked to everyone and beat to our own drum to extreme sometimes. But I always dreamed of that popular crowd. So I made up with my insecurities of my weight by becoming the class clown. Most friends compare me to the female "chandler" (Friends) of the group. I am not friends with any of them now, but my sister tells me often to be a stand up comedian.
Then as I got older, more and more it's becoming about the health aspect. But gosh darn it I want to look in the mirror and see my hips, and the curve of my waist, and not have fat hanging on my back. Sorry to be so graphic but honestly....I took pics of my body naked without my face in them. And I was truly disgusted. Disgusted at what I have done to this body. And how all these years trying to hide and hide and hide from the abuse and alcoholism, and low self-esteem that led to very dangerous activities. Throwing away my hopes and dreams and the girls I really was, trying to hide it from the world. And you know what I did?? I just let it all go on the outside of me. And it is there for the whole world to see. Every over-weight pound on my body is a representation of some hurt in my life. And I know when people see me they know that. And that's what hurts above all else.
And after seeing that show, I am worried that when I do get to my goal, and I WILL no matter what for my life and health,but that when I look in the mirror, I will still see who I am today.
I am scared that I will never ever escape the fat person I am now.
And I am scared that I will change. And people can say, "oh if you're a good person you won't change" but my god, what I wouldn't give to walk into a club, or a restaraunt, or somewhere and know that these men think I am good looking. Or especially dress differently than I do now. I will never dress "slutty" but I will definitely try new clothes.
And my fiance has already expressed to me(he says jokingly of course) that I am going to lose all this weight and some hot guy will want me and I'll leave him. It kind of hurts because I know I wouldn't do that now, but who is to say that once I experience this other world that I have never known I might want to explore. Especially considering I am 21. I know I am more mature than most people my age, and he and I have been together for over two years now. We live together and he is 31. But you never can tell what will happen.
Anyways, sorry for rambling on, and for any of you that actually read all of this, thankyou. I know that you understand, hopefully