Hi everyone. This is my first post but I have been hanging around for awhile trying to get inspiration from other people who are dealing with the same issues as me. I have been feeling so low for a long time and it is really scaring me. I'm 22 years old and I don't have anyone who I can talk to about this in my "real life" because my family expects me to do everything perfectly and I don't have any friends that I feel are close enough to confide in.

I guess I'll try to start at the beginning if you can please bear with me. For as long as I can remember there has been a battle between two sides of me--the happy, confident me and the sad, I'm-alone-in-the-world me. I come from a family where no one talks about their feelings and my parents expect me to be perfect because they don't want me to be an embarassment to them. They never told me they loved me or that they were proud of me (except written on birthday cards) even though I have always been an overachiever and tried so hard for approval. They have generally only given me feedback to criticize my actions and appearance. I was molested by a family friend throughout my childhood which made me feel even more alone and worthless. At age 14 I developed an anxiety disorder where I panic in social situations and hyperventilate and have heart palpitations. This is a self-diagnosis of course, because I can't tell anyone that I have problems. I have always desperately wanted to have close friends but end up being alienated anyway because my "friends" are really more like acquaintances who secretly want to see me down. I think that I am pretty successful at appearing happy and confident and this makes people believe that I think too highly of myself, which couldn't be further from the truth. They have no idea that I come home and stare at the wall and cry because I feel so alone and my only impact on the world is a negative one.

I have never had a boyfriend because I retreat as soon as a guy shows any interest since I'm so ashamed of myself and know that he would realize I'm not worth anything once he got to know me. My only experience asking anyone on a date was for our senior prom when a guy told me that his friend wanted to go to prom with me, so I immediately bought a package at a tanning salon and told the boy I would go to prom with him the next day. It turned out that it was just a joke and I was humiliated and crushed. This is one of many experiences that has caused me to isolate myself.

Lately I have been turning to food for comfort. And not just a little. No, I have completely centered my life around food. I wake up, eat breakfast, park myself in front of the TV. Eat a snack. Start thinking about what I'll have for lunch, but then I'm so focused on it that I give in and eat lunch at like 10am. Then I feel so disgusted in myself that I say 'well, I already blew it so I may as well REALLY blow it' and then eat continuously until I feel so sick that all I can do is go to bed. I used to be such a dependable person but now I don't feel competent at all because I am scared to let go of my carton of ice cream and actually LIVE. The thing is, no one would even suspect it from me because at work and at school I pack very light meals and I can focus on the task at hand instead of eating. I have come to associate eating with shame so I will usually only eat carrots in front of other people but when I am alone I dive into absolutely everything because I am ashamed to be alone. Other people are out having fun with their friends and boyfriends but I'm worthless and alone so I punish myself by literally feeding my shame. My weight is quickly escalating so I am becoming more and more depressed. I have felt "foggy" for at least the past year, sort of as though I'm living in a dream. I'm so scared that I am wasting my life away. I have always had the dream to have a great career and family but now that I am finally grown up it seems as though none of the normal life experiences will happen for me.

I have been trying for months to lose weight but have only ended up gaining weight because the diet mentality makes me become even more obsessed with food. I have long since lost my hunger cues so it seems like I can either not eat for long periods of time or else eat continuously, and unfortunately I usually chose the latter. If anyone can relate to me or give me some advice I would appreciate it so much. I want so badly to snap out of this darkness but I don't think I can do it alone. Thank you to everyone who reads this.

Hi

Thanks for sharing..........that is not easy to do........keep coming to the daily thread and get to know us and continue to share.

I am sorry for your pain. I can identify with some of the things you said........congrats on your success at work and school, that is not to be taken lightly.

I hope through going to see the doctor and starting some counselling you are able to feel some hope and joy for the future.'

((((((((((((Hugs)))))))))))

Liz

Dreams, you're going to need to talk to your doctor or the health clinic at school. Depression is a very real thing and you need help. I'm so glad you took the first step and reached out to us. Liz is right, come to the daily board and post often. No one will judge you and you have no reason to be ashamed. Most of us can related to part of your story, especially being alone in the darkness. Depression is a tricky thing. I know that I can paste a smily face on and no one would know that I'm in a bout of depression. They do know, however, when I'm manic (I'm bipolar). So if you want to keep the secret from them, you can. Your doctor is just that, you're doctor. They can't tell your family or friends. But, please keep in mind that being depressed isn't anything to be ashamed of. It is a real condition that is treatable. But no matter what, you're in control of what you tell others. Sharing here is a great place to start in getting out of the darkness. Please post often.
Marie

hi i have gone through alot of the same things you have molestation , a distant relationship with my mother etc. my exception ive had lots of boyfriends ive used sex as a way to make myself feel important. wrong way i want to love me for me i want to lose weight for myself i need support PM me and I will give you my email address, exersise is the key i know but i need motivationthanx

iam also bipolar but refuse to take meds. i have kids and they meds make my feel not incontrol. i think this disorder comes from sexual abuse. it is not our fault. we must learn to stop holding on to the past and learn to look forward to the future. we are important we should be proud. not ashamed.

i also have panic attacks . you can always contact me at home after 7 PM me for my phone # or work - i work at a bbq resterant. 11 till 3 days my name is jaclyn hope to hear from you

I would recommend you delete e-mail addresses and phone numbers.....use PM if you must share personal info.

Liz

Lofty, these ladies have wonderful advice, there's really nothing more I can say. You have to realize you are NOT alone and your story sounds very much like mine except I was not physically abused. You sound like such a sweet person, please join us on the daily so everyone can get to know you. It really does help to have folks to talk to, even if its to say BOO !!!

Hope to see you there.

Leenie

hey - im 20 - so i understand the frustration with being young and going through this. i've been getting panic attacks lately - same as you - palpitations, sometimes hyperventilating...

do you go to school? every university has a counseling center - usually a free service for students.

after i lost my father in january, (or even after he got sick in june) i sort of lost my mind and have been getting anxiety attacks and depression and binging and everything like you.

having support is important...and honestly - sorting out ur feelings with a counselor is key. (especially if your a student and its free).

these things you're dealing with you shouldn't go through alone...and don't think you are crazy for feeling like this. sometimes your body and mind just learn coping with things in whatever way it can...and while this isn't the healthiest way by far...its still a way--
eventually you will have to face some scary realities...but for now, your body and mind are doing a great job with protecting you from thinking about some of those realities...
a therapist is key...seriously..and since ur 22, your family doesn't even have to know about it.
frankly, my family is very much the same way - i've been a perfectionist since birth and in addition, i come from a very strict italian family who never believed in psychology or anything like that. Even me, at the beginning wouldn't dare see anyone. Still, as time went on, I realized that I needed to at least give it a shot. I've been going since April and it has made a world a difference.
Because I dont' want to take anti-depressants or anything, my recovery time has been a bit slower. But just having a neutral space to vent and be "safe" in, is important to me now. I love my therapist and while we may not have immediate solutions to some things I'm going through, he is teaching me a patience to get through day by day (as best I can).
Keep letting out your feelings.

Lofty, if you seek professional counseling, you will feel better. This can be done privately, you're an adult and no one can share your info. with your family without your permission. GO, find some info. TODAY, don't wait. focus on finding the right match for you problems (it will take your mind off eating for a bit too)

Its a good beginning to start here, and there is a light at the end of the tunnel.....

many times we can feel that we have no real friends or think people want to see us fail, in reality, we've worked ourselves into such a state we over-react. As a parent myself, if my child (who is 24) came to me and told me about molestation, I wouldn't think twice about embarrassment, it's HER psyche that's in danger. I'd probably beat myself up for NOT seeing it....

come back and speak to us whenever you want.