Hi everyone,

I dont really know how to say what I need to here.. I am trying to get my feelings under control without going to counceling or the hospital..

I dont want this to be a super long story.. because in all honesty it is, I just dont want to write it all.

I'll start in October 2003.. I was suicidal and the police had to come to my house and bring me to the hospital. I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder. I've been diagnosed with depression since I was about 10, and have been hospitilized 6 times since I was 16, 3 of them were suicide attempts. I'm 23.

Due to being diagnosed with BPD, I was put on seroqul (100mg) depakote (1,500) and lexapro (20)

I gained about 80 pounds on all the meds in a less than a year. I stopped taking them because a doctor finally told me that the seroqul was giving me cravings and the depakote was keeping me from losing weight no matter how hard I tried. I started seeing my fiance 1 month after I got out of the hospital.. I hadnt gained any weight yet, and I looked pretty good. He's been with me through all the weight gain.

So, fast forward to january of this year, I found out I was pregnant, I was on the shot, and my OB said it may have failed because of my weight.

I was happy, super suprised but totally happy. My fiance on the other hand was pissed and angry, he actually yelled at me, said so many awful things.. this went on for 2 1/2 months.. he said he didnt want to tell anyone, I think he was ashamed because of my weight and that were not married (his parents are fundamentalist christians, made it even harder, btw.. he's not religious anymore) he eventualy came to terms with it and everything became awesome and so wonderful.. he was the perfect father and when we found out it was a boy.. it changed things even more.. just knowing and bonding more.

I gained about 10-15 pounds in about 4 1/2 months, not bad considering that I just stopped talking all the meds after I found out (I was already off the depakote for about 5 months before I found out) so I had no time to try to lose the weight I gained from the meds.

We lost the baby in May. It was a umbilical cord accident, the cord was wrapped around his neck, within the last 2 months I've lost a great aunt I was close to, a really good friend and my grandfather was told he has less than a year to live. Losing my son has been the hardest thing I've even been through and if I told you my whole history.. you might be suprised. Being able to try again has partially kept me going, and knowing my fiance loves me.

I'm devestated. When we lost the baby I knew I wanted to try again as soon as possible, and I thought my fiance and I were on the same page, he told me he wanted me to lose weight before we try again, before it was "lets see what the doctor says" and now its "I dont think were ready" Telling me he wanted me to lose weight was so hurtful.. like I wasnt good enough the way I am to have another baby.

Its not that I dont want to lose weight, I do. I dont like feeling like I have to lose weight to try to have another baby.

I've become severely depressed. My self esteem is down the drain, I have the worst ups and downs..

I just need to feel like I'm not going crazy, and I need support to try to lose the weight. I DO NOT want to go on meds and I've been through so many therapists.. thats not the road I want to take again.

Everyone here is so awesome... any opinions would be helpful..

Amanda

First of all, it's not fair of your fiance to tell you that you have to lose weight before you can have another baby. That is his issue, regardless of how you feel about your weight. Lose weight for yourself and no one else. You have to internalize this battle before you will win.

However, I'm planning on getting pregnant within the next couple of years, and that is part of my motivation for losing weight. I want my body to be healthy and strong for my children. I have scoliosis and a bad back in general, and I don't want to be sentenced to bedrest during pregnancy because my body can't support me, so I'm working to lose the extra weight and build up my strength particularly in my back and abs. I babysit for my best friend's 18mo daughter occasionally, and that has proven to me that I am not in good enough shape to have children at this point (I'm always sore the next day after chasing and carrying her!). I want to be able to play with my children and keep up with them and swing them over my head. Not only that, but I want to show them healthy habits. I have no idea what your diet is like, but I'm not exactly the healthiest eater on the planet, and if I want to set a good example for my children I'm going to have to do some shaping up. I want them to grow up loving fruits and vegetables and exercise and water. I don't want them to grow up with weight issues like I did. And then there's the fact that you nourish your children while you are pregnant, and you need to provide them with the best nourishment possible, which isn't exactly cheeseburgers and fries. Again, that may not apply to you as I have no idea what your diet is like, but you get my point.

You're absolutely right in that you can try again, but think how much easier pregnancy will be on a healthy body. It's supposedly easier to conceive when you're at a healthy weight.

I'm not saying that you have to lose weight before you can get pregnant, or even that you should. I'm simply saying that children deserve healthy parents. If getting pregnant motivates you to lose weight, by all means, use that motivation.

~Elisha

Right now all I'll say is that fiancee needs a swift kick in the rear (or somewhere else for that matter.) Please reconsider spending the rest of your life with this person.

jUST REMEMBER A WHOLE PERSON AND A WHOLE PERSON MAKE A WHOLE PERSON! BUT A 1/2 A PERSON AND A 1/2 A PERSON DON'T ALWAYS MAKE A WHOLE. wHAT THAT MEANS IS SIMPLY... yOU HAVE TO BE YOUR OWN PERSON AND FEEL GOOD ABOUT YOURSELF BEFORE ANYTHING. iF YOU FEEL YOU NEED TO LOSE WEIGHT YOU'LL DO IT, BUT DON'T DO IT FOR ANYBODY.
HANG IN THERE YOU'LL DO GREAT!
CYNDIE

I agree that your fiancé is an insensitive so-and-so. Even if his comment reflects a concern for your health, it sounds like he was very clumsy about it.

Having said that, don't forget that your fiancé also lost a child, and he may be feeling the need to grieve before trying again. Since a lot of men aren't very in touch with their feelings, he may not realize himself the real reason he wants to wait. (Or he may just be a jerk.)

As for you, are you sure you don't want to wait a little longer and get over your loss? You sound like you've been going through an enormous amount of stress lately, and I'm not sure a stressed-out, depressed person would have enough physical and emotional energy to deal with a pregnancy and a new baby. Why not give it a little more time, finish grieving your many losses, and find out what is really going on with your fiancé. Having a baby now might or might not make you feel better, but you owe it to your future child to be as healthy and stable as possible before you start a pregnancy.

Try to eat well and get some exercise, take the time to recover from all that life has thrown at you, and remember to be both kind and good to yourself.



C

Amanda, I just wanted to send you a hug, and tell you that I'll be keeping you in my prayers.
You've gone through so much... put yourself first for awhile, sweetie.

I can certainly understand that you want a baby asap to help comfort you and make your pain of losing your first child lessen.

I'm not going to comment on your fiance's opinion at all, we each deal with loss differently. Just because he's speaking stupid words, doesn't mean you should imitate. If he had said "Honey, let's get you back on the road to being strong and healthy FIRST, so you are sure to have an easier pregnancy", you would have had a more positive reaction. unfortunately, men can be social-cripples.

Anyway, you stated that you are 23 years old, your mental health is not 100% and your physical health is not 100%.....Perhaps it would be better to wait for your OWN REASONS, give yourself a chance to recharge mentally, heal physically and the chances of a great, HEALTHY full-term pregnancy go up dramatically. You would be less anxious, more secure and confident.

If your weight showing on your tracker is accurate, add another 25-45 lbs. to it. Add hypertension to it, add water retention to it, possibly forcing you off your feet for 2-3-4 months....

Would you feel more in control if your body had less of a chance to break down? If you were able to sort out your feelings, and give Mr. Foot-in-mouth a chance to un-panic himself? No one needs to start out a pregnancy with big problems and insecurity hanging around their neck. I don't know your financial situation, but physical problems and pregnancy may require specialist consultation...will your health insurance cover the BEST CARE FOR YOUR PREGNANCY?

Yeah, and I'm also going to say that you NEED to speak to a professional, find someone who specializes in child-loss grief counseling. There are a lot of questions to ask yourself before you PLAN a pregnancy. Forcing the issue when only one of you wants it is not fair to either of you (or the child).

good luck and I hope you find the help and guidance you need.

I am on seroquel, too, and I have gained 20 lbs on it. I was originally on 300mg but I've been tapered down to 75 and eventually I will be getting off of it. Honestly, I do not blame you one bit for not wanting to be on these types of meds!

Try to exercise a few times a week if possible. Maybe your fiance can join a local gym with you? Or if you have a dog you could take it on some extra long walks. I started exercising in January (I joined Curves gym) and I have become completely stable after a depression that has lasted since 1999. I used to take NINE pills every day but now I am just on seroquel and soon I will be off that, too. So, in my mind, what has REALLY alleviated my depression is the exercise.

I am so sorry to hear about losing the baby. Perhaps instead of trying again immediately it would be better to give yourself (and your fiance) some time to heal. Your fiance was pretty crappy with the things that he said to you IMO... but maybe it *is* a good idea to take some time to take care of yourself first before taking on a little one - and by that I mean to address the depression.

What kind of therapists have you been seeing? I recently learned that there are different types of therapists and that helped me to find one more suited to my needs........ I am in therapy right now, and on my first visit my current therapist asked me "Have you EVER liked any of your therapists?" and I bluntly told her "NO" lol. I also started our first session by giving her this list of goals I had for myself that I wanted her to help me work on. This has worked out well so far - this goal-oriented type therapy as opposed to "talk therapy" like I used to do. I hate when therapists try to go and make you analyze everything in your past. I don't want to talk about or THINK about all the bad stuff that's happened in my past or about being depressed! I want to talk about what to DO about it. And I finally found the kind of therapist that will actually do that with me

If you want to talk to other people with bipolar disorder you could check out this forum:

http://brain.hastypastry.net/forums/...splay.php?f=96

Hang in there,

~Melissa

Did your fiance say why he wanted you to lose weight? I'm sure this has been traumatic for him as well, so possibly he just didn't communicate well. Of course it's easy to think the worst, but throwing in a different viewpoint, he might be concerned about your health, and the health of future babies.

Being overweight can increase your chances of gestational diabetes, premature labor, stillborn deaths, birth defects, preeclampsia, etc. Plus it can make labor very difficult. I was 272 pounds when I gave birth, and I didn't have the stamina I needed for an 'efficient' labor. I was exhausted the whole latter months, I got preeclampsia, and we recently found out that my son has spina bifida oculta, which is the better kind to have, but SBO all the same. Possibly if I hadn't been obese while pregnant, we might have avoided that.

Maybe the trauma of losing one child has made him more concerned about all over health for future pregnancies so there are less risks. Grief affects us all differently. I'm sorry about your baby, and how it's working out for you now.

I just wanted to say thanks everyone!!


My fiance has a serious case of foot-in-the-mouth disease... I know part of it was a concern for my health, but it totally came out the wrong way.

We finally talked last night and came up with a compromise.. I'm going to take some online college courses to get my human services degree, so when we decide to get pregnant I wont have to travel to school.. keep in mind that my fiance obviously knows about my bipolor disorder, and he dosent expect me to get a job (I have a hard time with working, I've had great jobs but I always relapse and go to the hospital when I work) he also makes close to 95,000 a year so its not a big deal if I dont work.

My goal is to get to 180 before I get pregnant.. thats about a size 14-16 for me.. I am going to talk to my OB on tuesday because I'm going back on birth control. She already discussed a meal plan I can go on while I'm pregnant so I only gain between 15-20 pounds. I am going to work my butt off to try to get to 180 by halloween!

Wish me luck! And thanks again

Amanda

Pinkbow, I want to congratulate you. You seem to be doing everything right. When you were in distress you found people to talk to, you listened to their points of view, you talked to your fiance about your feelings, and now you've made a very mature decision about waiting a little before another pregnancy. (You also sound a lot better - calmer and less distressed.)



Carla

Amanda, just wanted to say how sorry I am about your baby
Congratulations on finding a workable plan for your health and your future. With this start I'm sure you'll be successful.