Today I while I was walking on a beautiful sunny afternoon, I saw my shadow and my reaction was immediate and surprising--'I look so fat.' When I was losing the weight, I loved to see my shadow because the change was so dramatic and I thought I looked great, very thin. I'm actually thinner today than I was then, but it appears that after maintaining a pretty stable weight for about a year, a bad body image is catching back up to me.

Now this isn't a common occurrence--I usually think I look great (or at least thin!), but it does happen from time to time, and more lately--since I've stopped being startled by seeing myself in a mirror. One method I have to fight this is to go put on the single pair of size 24 jeans I saved to remind myself of the dramatic change in my body. While I'm certainly not perfect, I am doing pretty good if I do say so myself. And yet the feelings of 'fatness' persist...

So my questions of this group: 1) Anybody else get this? 2) Will it eventually go away? And if so 3) how can I speed up its exit?

Any thoughts are much appreciated. My inner child is refusing to listen to my rational mind as usual.

Anne

anne - it's so nice to meet you. and you've obviously done a fabulous job of losing - and more importantly, maintaining a significant weight loss.

unfortunately, i'm NOT the person to discuss body image!!!! i also noticed my shadow a few weeks ago, and wondered whose it was!!! it was waaaayyy too small to be mine..

and i'm ALWAYS wearing baggy clothes because i think they FIT. in a support group a few months ago, we were given large sheets of paper and asked to draw an outline of our bodies - what we thought they looked like. and then we partnered with someone who drew our actual outline [with us lying on the paper.]

guess what the proportions for me were?? yep... i drew myself twice the size i really am.

i've decided to work on being comfortable with my body.. i've found that lifting weights helps. so does any other form of exercise, for that matter.

i wish i had answers... but there are many wise folks around here... now, all we have to do is wake them up!!!!!!

Hi Anne

I think what you described is a really common occurance- it takes a long time for our body image to catch up to reality and sometimes seems to flip-flop for no reason what-so-ever.

I had the same experience as you described: as I was losing weight, I felt thinner and thinner, but the longer I maintained, the fatter I started feeling again. It's been 3 years for me at +or_ 3 pounds of my goal weight, and right now I'm seeing every lump of fat in the universe stuck to my body. Objectively, I know that's not true and I know that it will change again.

As Jiffy mentioned, exercise, specifically weighlifting, really helps. I think it's because it gives you a sense of your body's capabilities, not just mirror image form. And muscles give your body definition. Right now I'm recovering from some minor surgery but my doc forbid lifting, and my body image suffers.

How long have you been at your maintenance weight? I know it took me at least a year of maintenance before I started automatically looking at the right sized clothes when I was shopping instead of starting at the largest end of the rack.

Mel

I've been at _this_ maintenance weight for just about a year. My eventual goal is to lose another 15 lbs, but I needed to take a break weight loss while I tried out my new love of marathoning and other insane distance events. I keep saying I'm going to work on those last pounds, and then I sign up for a new race.

I wonder if the last bit of weight un-lost plays into that--I never actually got to my 'goal', such as it was. I also think the loose skin is an issue. Way too much flapping and jiggling and bouncing going on. One of these days I'm going to look into dealing with that, but I want at least another year of maintenance first, and we may yet try to have a baby (tick tock), so now is perhaps not the time.

Weight training really does help some with the body image--I can feel my muscles firm up and that is nice. I try to lift about twice a week. And running really helps too--makes me feel very confident and capable. There is just nothing like it, and it is the reason I know that while my weight may fluctuate a bit, I'll never be obese again.

But I think I'm having your experience of body image flip-flop. Today I feel pretty good about myself--just got back from a really nice 5 mile run. I guess I'll call it normal.

I can relate to the body image issues.

Many people I know who have lost a large amount of weight continue to see themselves as obese. (My mother had WLS 25+ years ago and has always seen herself as obese, and she has maintained a weight well within the normal range for all of those years). For myself, I was suprised at how easily that vision of myself as morbidly obese went away. Luck of the draw, perhaps.

That said, the closer I got to goal, the more I took the health aspects for granted (the real reasons behind the weight loss) and was simply amazed by the visual aspects. I loved being thinner, and had accomplished every health goal and then some, but the hanging skin and fat bulges still around drove me nuts! All of a sudden, vanity had come into play. Hmmmm...what to do with that?

For me, it is part doing what I can to improve things (cardio and weights) and part keeping a realistic perspective. I had always thought that because of the excess skin, exercise and weights would not make a difference for me. I was WRONG! Nothing short of plastic surgery (I've had some) will take care of the excess skin, but adding muscle and keeping fit really has made a difference in the distribution and tone of my body. That is something that is in my control. That was a fantastic discovery for me.

One thing that helps is to really listen to people I trust. Because my own body image is skewed, I have asked a few very trusted friends to be completely honest with me. So far, the consensus is that the exercise and weights are making a difference, and that I am doing fine. I don't trust the "general public" (or my mother), but these few trusted friends will tell me the TRUTH. That is priceless.

I'm rambling, not sure am on subject at all any more!

Dawna

I think one of the most surprising things about my weight loss is that my body image didn't change very much. I feel much better in my smaller sized clothes, but when I'm in my birthday or swimsuit, I have the same negative feelings about my body that I did 50+ lbs ago. When I was a size 16+, I thought that people who were a size 6 would have "perfect" bodies and a completely positive body image. So not true.

As far as my upper body goes, weightlifting has helped loads. I went from never baring my upper arms to always wearing tank tops. I have come to really like my arms, chest and back. My lower abs/hips/thighs area is another story. I still tend to "hide" them with strategic clothing.

I'm assuming that I will always struggle with my self esteem and body image just like I will always struggle with my weight maintenance. There will be both good days and bad.

Oh, I know this post is long enough, but I just thought of something else. (Hope this isn't too weird...) I drive my husband crazy because I constantly point out other women and ask him if I'm bigger or smaller. Do any of you do that? These are women who I think are about the same size as me or smaller. Almost always, he says that they are at least a couple sizes bigger than I am. And, EVERY time, I don't believe him. I genuinely cannot fathom that I am smaller. It's such a strange thing how my brain will not believe that I'm this size. I can look in the mirror all I want, but I never "see" my size for what it is.

Karyn Lee

Karyn Lee,
Everything you said applies to me too, except that my problem area is my lack of waist, rather than my thighs. Just the luck of the genetic draw. I still feel like the hugest woman in the room and am always amazed when someone points out to me that I'm one of the smallest.

Mel

Mel said:That is exactly the same thing I am feeling at the moment... When I first arrived at a size 8, I was pretty pleased! But now I'm feeling fat in a size 8...


Karynlee said:I do that ALL the time too! I've even gone so far as asking my D... and I know I should not be showing her this bad example...

DITTO!!!!!

Mel -- I feel like the largest woman in the room because my shoulders are so wide!!

I sure am happy though that I am not alone in these feelings, and I am not feeling so "weird" anymore ...

I can't wait to tell my husband that I'm not the only one that does this!!!

Me! I definitely have my FAT DAZE. Usually around TOM...when I'm feeling bloated. For the most part though, I know it's just me, being totally delusional! Unless I've been overindulging...because as y'all know, when you're at or close to your maintenance weight, even 2 or 3 extra lbs can make a difference - maybe not to OTHER people, but I can definitely feel 'em.

I used to have a lot more fat days - you know, still having those old feelings of being the fattest one in the room (and thus, unacceptable) or whatever - earlier on, but that doesn't happen often these days - quite the opposite in fact!

Of course, there are parts of my body that I'll NEVER be comfortable with showing to the public - the big one being my thighs (unless I win the lotto and get a thigh lift!). Thank goodness for capri yoga pants - that's what I wear to the gym, along with a sports bra top!

You know, it used to really annoy me when girls I always thought of as "twiggy" complained about non-existant layers of fat. Considering how our own body image changes from being positive in the first few months to slowly reverting back to the negative despite the fact we ARE still slim, i can certainly see why those girls complained. Everyone has an issue no matter what their size.

As for myself, I still me as being larger than I am. The change for me has been so gradual in loss and of course i'd look in the mirror every day that the change in size was never brought home. Sure, my clothes sizes changed and my waist went down to 23" but i never really knew what that looked like. As in what that looked like to an observer. Until i got some photos back recently. I'm a twig!

Actually, at the moment the part that i like the least is my shoulders and collarbone. Even when I was heavier they were defined and stuck out so you can imagine what they look like now lol. Thankyou very much mum for that piece of genetic luck! :P

Livi

I have somewhat the opposite circumstance. I tend to think of myself as smaller than I actually am. When I was a kid, I was thin. And I had spent most of my life in the 140 to 160 range (5'4"), and in my mind still think of myself as that sturdy, durable size though I have not been there for over 15 years. For me, that is a very good weight with my large bones and muscles. When I was gaining my excess weight, I regularily exercised the whole way up (tennis), and was still very athletic until I got to my high weight of 250 when I could tell I was getting really sluggish and felt ungainly on the court. But even now at just over 200, I still think of myself mostly as much thinner than I am. When looking for clothes off the rack, I will all too often choose clothes too small until I look at the size number. I even interpret what I see in the mirror as being smaller than what is really there. When I see a photo of myself with others, I tend to be very shocked, even sickened, to see myself still so very large. There is a definite disconnect with weight reality in my brain.

The upside is though I dont necessarily love my current naked full-body reflection, I dont hate seeing myself in the mirror either, and I dont hate my body. I would label it more as acceptance. Except for my highest weight, I have also felt fast and strong even while fat because, well, I am. But..... the downside of this is I think I have lacked as much motivation as needed to really lose more weight at a faster pace. I guess in my mind its like trying to fix a problem that isnt there on some level. ???

After reading all your interesting observations, I am very curious to see what I will feel as I lose more weight. And until I wrote the above, I really hadnt considered this might be one of my wl issues. Very enlightening thread.

Jan

I finally had a minute to read this thread all the way through – wow! What a great discussion! Once again we think that we’re the only ones feeling a certain way – only to discover that we share the same issues with body image. I just kept nodding my head ‘yes, yes, yes’ as I read all the posts. I didn't even realize that I was feeling certain things until I read some of the posts!

When I was 257 pounds, I never ‘saw’ myself as big as I was. Specifically, I remember the photo that I now use as my ‘before’ since it was taken only a few weeks prior to me starting to lose weight. I was wearing an outfit that I loved and felt pretty in, so when I first saw the photo, I said ‘nice picture’ and thought it was flattering. I could not see how big I was! As I lost weight, I’d look at that same picture and somehow I kept growing and growing in it; I was getting smaller in real life but was getting bigger in the photo! Now I look at it and all I can think ‘huge’ – now I can see what I just couldn’t acknowledge at the time. And conversely, when I look at a picture of myself now, I’m like Lyria – I look smaller than I think I am!

For me, I’m sure my blindness to my size was all denial. I just refused to acknowledge how big I had allowed myself to get, to the point of getting on the scale on very rare occasions but then telling myself ‘that can’t be right’ and pretending that the number didn’t exist. When I looked in a mirror, my eyes stopped at my shoulders; my body didn’t exist below my neck.

Exercise played a huge part in integrating my body back in with the rest of me, just like for so many of you. It forced me to look at myself as a functional unit, not as dragging around a giant fat ball and chain. What a fantastic feeling to have a body that simply works the way it’s supposed to! I get such a kick out of doing everyday, ordinary things, like running up the stairs and carrying the trash out. And OMG, to finally do what I never could in my whole life, like pull-ups or push-ups – it’s like conquering Mt. Everest! This might sound corny, but it was kind of like a vindication for all those years of being the chubby little nerd with glasses in grade school who got picked last for teams. With exercise (and specifically weightlifting), finally I can do something physical AND do it better than many of the former Head Cheerleaders, Homecoming Queens and Skinny Blondes (I’m still a little touchy ).

I experience that same phenomenon of getting smaller but feeling fatter. I guess it’s because the blinders came off about my size and I started really looking in the mirror. The mirror -– we could probably write a book about us and mirrors -- sometimes I’ll take my clothes off and stand in front of the mirror, not at all for any kind of vanity thing, but just to try to figure out ‘what do I really look like now?’ ‘Who is looking back at me?’ ‘Can this really be ME?’ I try to be objective but I’ll still catch myself putting on something in a little size and looking in the mirror and thinking 'fat'. How crazy is that? When I was size 22, I would have killed to wear even a 14; now I’m looking at myself in 4s and thinking ‘fat'? So I’m another one who will ask how I compare in size with other women – it’s not like fishing for compliments or anything like that - I really need to know!

One thing that has definitely helped with my body image is getting rid of the excess skin. I still have more to go and won’t ever look like someone who was never obese, but at least I don’t have the handfuls of skin flopping around when I move. I was completely unprepared for the possibility of excess skin and that was the only negative part of weight loss for me – getting to my dream weight and sure not having my dream body. As soon as I found out that it could be fixed, there was never a second of doubt in my mind that I’d do it (though it’s a very personal decision for each of us).

Karen – I can ‘feel’ 2 or 3 pounds too! I can tell if my weight is up or down just from being tuned into my body now. I like being able to acknowledge that my body is part of me now - it makes me finally feel like a whole person.

Hi-

I'm late to the thread, but what the heck I'll drop in my two cents too. I found myself identifying with so many of the things mentioned.

I'm basically blind to my weight gains. I've done lots of self-hypnosis tapes with visualizing me at my "healthy, attractive weight" - which for me is around 145 lbs in my mind's eye. It's the weight that I envision myself in my dreams regardless of my real world weight.

So, I automatically see myself at that weight, and would get shocked at the stores when the size 10-12's and medium tops don't fit. I had such a difficult time buying clothes cuz the size I saw myself wasn't the size I could wear. Yah, I'd look in the mirror and see the bulges and all, but it didn't deter my mind's concept of me - I guess I have such a strong internal image of my body size, it's so easy to deny any weight gain. It makes it difficult for me to acknowledge a larger size body than the one I have burned into my self-conscious mind.

For me, I visualized a size 10-12 as being at goal weight. I remember years ago I reached goal and wore size 12 and was very happy with all the new clothes I bought. Especially a pink winter coat. When the next winter came, the coat hung on me even tho I was the same weight, but was exercising and had reduced my size due to muscles. I was very disappointed. Instead of being happy in 10's I was all upset cuz my 12's didn't fit me right anymore.

I've had a few problems along that line this time too. I'm 52 so I have a lot of yo-yo dieting under my belt and a lot of goal weights not maintained. I'm not sure if my mind's eye is leading me astray or not - or if it's just lack of ability to stick to exercise and restricted food intake. I am working dilligently to keep my goal as a weight - not as a look in the mirror, because I can't trust my eyes when I look in the mirror.

One big problem this time was wearing size 8 pants. I wore around my 10's way after they got too baggy. I tried on 8's and they fit, so I bought 2 pair with the elastic waistband cuz they're easy to pull up when I have carpal tunnel problems. But inside myself I felt "these are too small, there's no way I can keep in an 8".... and sure enough 6 months later, I'm back in my 10's working to get back into the 8's. I think. I can't guarantee it. I'm actually working to get back to 145 lbs on the scale to make the BMI rec's. I'm letting the size 8 issue sit on the sidelines while I rethink it all.

I guess that's one of the reasons I didn't get in a panic when I regained some weight. It's not a biggie to me. I'm still within my mind's eye size.... and maybe a size 8 just isn't in my mind's eye just yet. I do like the look and feel of my body at 145 and can convince myself that I am wanting that number on the scales. It's just 12 lbs away and I'll be there again. I'll revisit the size 8 issue again - I can wear them now, but they are a tad too tight. My 10's are a tad too loose.... but I prefer loose fit to a tight fit. Maybe I oughta take the size 10 label and sew it to the 8's. Hee,hee.

Allie
SW/258 CW/156 GW/145

I have kind of a strange outlook on it all. I could see myself in the mirror and didn't think I looked all that big, but that I was just overweight some. I see myself in the mirror now and know I still need to lose just a bit around the middle, but that I'm definately not overweight.

However, it was different seeing a picture. I HATED having my picture taken before because I thought it made me look twice as big. I just think I wasn't seeing the full "picture" in the mirror. But I see pictures now and think wow.