If your easily triggered and this is a **** of a disease please don't read this. I need to be honest. Not in the sort of soft "please forgive me I will do better tommorow" way. Just flat out honest about where I am today.

I am beginning to think that I shouldn't be your mod. I haven't decided on that yet, its just another thing I need to say. Though I know alot about ED I don't know how to surrender. Sometimes the computer triggers me. It would be fine if I would just come here, but I lurk on a few other web sites that I know trigger my disease. Sometimes the various board here trigger me. The word diet triggers me.

I have been fighting with obsession with weightloss and for not losing weight all this year I have been punishing myself. I have been in a full binge/purge cycle since last Wednesday. I felt like I was having a heart attack and very lonely so by Sunday I started reaching out. I have been going to meetings, but not saying anything. Just being angry that all these people have something I so desperately want and can't seem to get.

I look for God and have no words for Him.

No one in my personal life understands (I feel like anyway). And I don't want to disappoint anyone even my OA friends.

I also have a second rape that I have never talked about. I have no words for it, and no one to tell. There is too much shame that still lives there. But I keep wishing for the words as somehow they would rip this pain from my chest.

Work is very stressful right now, I am training people. There are alot of expectations when what I feel I need is a mental health month.

My son is growing up and not talking to me. He is being pubescent and I can't deal.

I wax and wane on my marriage everyday, knowing in many ways its one of the sickest co-dependent things a person could find, but its mine. Its been mine for 14 years.

I don't want to talk to my therapist. I don't think she is helping me. I teach her more about ED than she is helping me. I read too much.

I ate butterscotch carmel out of the jar, in a way I believed if I kept going I would find a diabetic coma. Not since I use to eat pure corn syrup have I found a food so toxic to my body.

So here I am, one day abstinent. I made it through the night on a food plan that I find strange. I wanted to purge, but the idea alone of inviting God in kept me from worshipping at my vomit altar. Plus I believe its killing me, spiritually, emotionally, and physically. Will I make it through another 24 hours? Only God knows.

I am taking it a minute at a time. I am too sad and afraid to do anything else.

Chris

Chris -

I have no words of Wisdom, nothing that can make it go away. I am just here to say that I LOVE YOU and I am here for you...day...night...whenever.

Hugs my friend. :hugs:

Chris -

Thank you so much for coming back, even when it's obviously painful and difficult. If we were all perfect, we wouldn't need this board or each other.

I also have been struggling mightily and am at a point where I don't feel like fighting anymore. I won't go into detail, lest I trigger anyone. (I have "control" over food, but really, I don't.) I'm at the sickest cycle in this disease, the one where I actually feel like my ED is doing me good and I don't care if it ever goes away. I know it's wrong, but I don't care.

Chris, if you feel like you need to step down temporarily, then do so. But PLEASE don't isolate yourself any longer. Come and tell us. Tell us how you feel and how ugly it is or how great it is. You think no one understands but I bet we all do. (I know I do.)

Maybe we could institute a board where we know that there are triggers so we can warn others, but still post there to get stuff off our chests. (Or maybe that's a bad idea, I don't know.) Regardless, we love you and want you to accept our love.

(((Chris))) - I wish I knew the perfect thing to say. You can step down if you feel you need to, but I am still inspired by your honesty and your perseverance, and I'd love for you to be our mod.

I'm sorry for all the stress that's in your life right now. When you go to bed, pull the covers up tight and imagine you're sleeping in God's arms. Because you are, you know.

My love to you!

Chris-
I do not know what to say other than you are a great, great, great person who has always lifted me up when I was down and I'm sure all the others on the board. You do what you need to do and follow your heart. Your heart will lead you to your right destiny and will not let you down. Please still post and let us know your doing ok and that your here. We will support you all the way, wipe your tears, shield you from harm, and walk with you.
My prayers are with you,
love
Vanessa

(((Chris))) Please do whatever you feel you need to for your sanity right now. We don't love you because you're a mod or because you're abstinent or whatever. We love you because you're Chris and Chris is a wonderful in and of herself!

You're in my thoughts and prayers!

Love,
Christy

First of all, on one day of abstinence. That ROCKS. Taking it one minute at a time is a beautiful way to treat yourself - that's plenty.

Second of all, . If you need to step down as mod then do it. Your recovery comes first. BUT, please be a regular member here, still. We are here for you 110%. My PM box is ALWAYS open for you, too.

I hope you check in soon. We love you!

Hey ladies, how is everyone tonight?? I hope everyone is on track and safe. My week has been fairly decent, went to my first company meeting on Tuesday, got paid for listening to the head honchos for 3hrs and got a free company mug! LOL My coworkers and I went to Bennigans afterward and ate dinner. For the first time in a LONG time, I felt kinda normal again, like I was before my ED. It was great to say the least. I have to work saturday so no big plans for the weekend except just to live and breathe. The community has been a little excited about Martha coming here for her prison sentence. Personally I don't care, b/c I could take martha on anyday with any of her recipes. LOL!!
I hope all you ladies are doing great, and Chris, Keep your head up gal!! We're all here for you, every step of the way.
Peace
Vanessa

Hi Vanessa, hi all. I guess we'll keep posting here for the week. I do hope Chris will check in soon!

I had a bad day yesterday, stressed about money, DH. Although on the whole, he and I are really doing better. Then, toward the end of the day, I got an email from my old college roommate asking for advice on carseats (she knew which brands were THE BEST) and a description of her recent spa trip and the $400 photo session she had for her son's 1st birthday. I wanted to choke her. Yes, she chose to work, and I didn't, and there are ups and downs of both. I just didn't need to hear about her ups yesterday. And I wrote her a humorous reply that probably came off a little bitter, but not nearly as bitter as I felt. I was pissed all evening, and I still am a bit. With the kids around, I couldn't clean, so I ate.

My eating is awful, but on the whole, life seems somewhat more stable. I guess I need some amount of drama.

Hugs to everyone!

Oh Chris!! We do love you!! Is this the time of year that is the hardest for us? I have been having a horrible time as well and felt ashamed to post. I am praying for you and for all of us!

Damn this disease!!

Sorry I haven't been around too much as I've said I've been having a hard time lately and then I've been working my butt off and I start school on the 18th so I'm wicked stressed out and not making good choices.

I hope you are all taking it ODAT and hope that today proves to be a positive one for all of us!

Love to you all!
Michelle

Chris...Michelle...I have not posted the past few days either....having issues with not only my eating disorder...but I am finally surrendering to my anxiety disorder and OCD as well. It has been **** these past few days with an anxiety attack so large I had to call the paramedics out of fear I was having a heart attack alone in the house with my two young children-I didn't want to collapse with my children too small to get help. It was the scariest thing I have ever had to deal with.

Just because we are mods doesn't mean that we are not allowed to fall short...just because we mod the forums doesn't mean we have to be perfect examples all of the time for others. We screw up too...we have problems, bad days, and trouble coping.

Being too embarassed to talk about it here is the WORST thing we can do.

I'll start...

I have been in a stress/anxiety induced binge all week long. I have been so tired the past two weeks I have to force myself to work out. My OCD has me exhausted and I am tired of fighting it...I have not taken any medication for it ever...and have been dealing with it since I was a child. After the worst anxiety attack ever this week...I have decided I have to get medicated...at least for a while.
Noone understands my eating disorder...or my anxiety and OCD...and how they are connected. My stepmother tells me I am stressed because I am overextended. I need to stop working so much...or stop dancing so much. I tried to explain it to her as best I could...that for normal people that would work...but if I am not out there keeping busy...then the OCD obsessions and compulsions just keep getting worse and worse...and instead of working or dancing I end up sitting on the kitchen floor sorting the yogurt containers in the fridge chronologically in order by their expiration date...and there is nothing I can do to stop it.
It isn't the work or the commitments that is stressing me out...and in turn causing me to binge...it is the fact that I haven't eaten a bag of M&M's since I was probably a toddler that there wasn't some sort of ritual with like sorting them into piles by color and eating one color at a time), or the fact that I can't put away clothes hangers without having them sorted by color, or that I have been caught straightening picture frames in other people's houses and in restaurants. Maybe performing last weekend has nothing to do with my stress...maybe it is the fact that for an hour afterwards I was checking all the addition in my checkbook and rearranging my cd's into alphabetical order.

My mother understands...but my stepmother and father don't. They think if I could just "let things go" now and then...or say no to a job now and then that I would be okay.