I don't want to get better. I don't want to get help. (though I am being forced to). I couldn't cope with being fat...and 'normal'...

Is it just me?

I'm sure Chris would say something very profound and helpful here - but a question comes to my mind -

Have you examined how your ED is affecting your overall state of happiness? My problems are magnified because I have such a negative way of dealing with them. I'm still not sure what else I should be doing instead of binging, but I want real improvement.

You say you're being forced to get help. Can we support you? Please feel free to share your story here and join the weekly thread. We're a lively, caring, gentle bunch.

Tracy

I can think of at least 10 reasons to give up my ED, if I could take it away completely I would.

1. The cycle of bingeing and purging dimishes my spirit
2. I can't concentrate on the real world when I am mired in food obsession
3. It racks my teeth, thins my hair, kills my fingernail, and shortens my life (I just spent time with a woman this last week that has broken and thinning hair from severe anorexia at age 25)
4. It takes all my time and is self-consuming
5. I can't concentrate on anything I enjoy
6. It makes me depressed and self-pitiying (I am always too fat, too gross, too ugly, too stupid, and too imperfect)
7. The disease alters my view of reality
8. It hard to care about anyone when all I can think about is what I am/am not eating
9. Being thin or eating what ever I want has never made me truly happy, where ever I go there I am
10. Have you ever scheduled a day around compulsive excercise? You have no da, you spend it in the gym in front of the mirrors punishing yourself and living in self loathing.

I am so angry right now I might just delete this whole thread. No I don't want my ED. I want it gone I want people to feel love and compassion for who they are and what their hearts hold, not the superficial bullshit that is on the outside. This thing has been killing my spirit for years leaving me disconnected from the whole world, making me feel like a freak in my own skin. Who would want this?

Chris

Spoken:
Don't look at me

Every day is so wonderful
And suddenly, it's hard to breathe
Now and then, I get insecure
From all the fame, I'm so ashamed

I am beautiful no matter what they say
Words can't bring me down
I am beautiful in every single way
Yes, words can't bring me down
So don't you bring me down today

To all your friends, you're delirious
So consumed in all your doom
Trying hard to fill the emptiness
The pieces gone, left the puzzle undone
Is that the way it is?

You are beautiful no matter what they say
Words can't bring you down
You are beautiful in every single way
Yes, words can't bring you down
So don't you bring me down today...

No matter what we do
(no matter what we do)
No matter what we say
(no matter what we say)
We're the song inside the tune
Full of beautiful mistakes

And everywhere we go
(and everywhere we go)
The sun will always shine
(sun will always shine)
But tomorrow we might awake
On the other side

'Cause we are beautiful no matter what they say
Yes, words won't bring us down
We are beautiful in every single way
Yes, words can't bring us down
So, don't you bring me down today

Don't you bring me down today
Don't you bring me down today

I'm sorry I angered, upset and/or offended people. :'(
Ok, I guess it seems nobody can relate...

The thing is I can relate, I can relate totally when I am in my disease its the comfortable place to be, its what I know. There is so much of the same old same old there. But after a few days when I am weak, with a sore throat and body, obsessed with food, weighing, weighing, weighing, it just doesn't seem worth it anymore. What's wrong with healthy and normal?

Chris

I'm fighting daily with my disorder. Even though I haven't really told any one personally about it. This is a haven for me. Just now, I'll confess, I just ate all but 2 slices of a medium pizza after 8 p.m. Number one I was hungry after work. Number two I 'm eating stress. Number three I'm exhausted. Now I'll regret this move but the one good thing about this I have never made myself throw up--I just detest that. Even though I feel like I may do that anyway just from stuffing myself.

The stress is from answering the phone for almost 4 hours with anxious customers wanting there power back on. The stand by man on the c.b.radio calling me and my boss on the "hotline" calling me and the Scada system sending me messages that a breaker is open at one of the sub stations. And when I was hired in they told me this was just a baby sitting job. dahhh. We had a storm to come through. Lightning came through a steel pole and burned down a wire.

Chris--I'm right behind you girl. Weighing every morning after I take a shower and each night before I go to bed. Exercising to try and burn off every thing I've eaten that day. It just doesn't work that way for me. I have very little will power over food especially junk food and I' m at the age where I need to stop eating junk food completely.

Tracy--I've come to the conclusion that food is my friend. I turn to food when I'm tired, stressed, bored, upset, angry, just about every emotion there is come to think of it. Food is always there for me. Fast food is always available--Sweets are always available.

Yes I want to give up my eating disorder that's why I'm here, because I have friends who can relate.

Deep down inside, I do think you want to get better, that is why you are here. Your path was meant to cross with the wonderful ladies and gents here. Its no mistake. Someone has brought you here, open up and start to heal.

More people than you know can relate. Don't give up. Life is precious and so are you, we only pass thru once, thats it. We ALL deserve to be happy.

Oh Happy Day,

I hope that you are still around. It sounds from your first post like you're more on the restricting side of the ED spectrum. I was anorexic for several years, before I replaced that ED with binge-eating disorder. When I was anorexic it took me a while to want to get better. When you're really sick, the disorder makes you think that you would rather be unhappy than gain weight. What finally made me change my point of view was when I went to college and made some great new friends, and I realized that my anorexia was getting in the way of my friendships, and that by restricting my food, I was also restricting my activities with my friends, and the things we could share. It's not that there were so many food-based activities, but rather that with my mind constantly preoccupied by food, I could not fully enjoy myself--EVER. But I did not have enough ED-centered support at the time to really get better. instead I started eating, and eating, and eating...which i am not saying to discourage you from getting over your restricting behavior (if that is in fact what you are doing). Rather, be careful, when you decide that you want to get over your ED. Because I wasn't careful, all I did was substitute one ED for another. All I wanted to do was to eat normally, but because my mind was still in the ED mindset, I was still obsessed with food. So eating normally became bingeing. Recovery starts in your head, not in your calorie intake.

Beautifully said Anna. Thanks.
Chris