The other thread was a little long so here's a new one!

I've been out of town for a week. I went home to my mom's. It was great, my kids had a ball and I had a wonderful visit with my mom and brother. I slipped pretty major, though. The days before I left I was binging/purging pretty regularly. I had a series of mini crisises that took up alot of time. I couldn't exercise soooo. Then when I left for Dallas, I knew that I couldn't really do it there, so I bought some ex-lax. I've never done that before so that was a major step back. It didn't work to well, I still swelled up like a balloon by the 3rd day. I didn't even eat that much. Then of course my mother gets out all these health books because she wants to know how I could swell like that so quickly. There's no way I could tell her, she has enough to worry about with my brother and sister. I'm the only one that gives her any peace and I can't ruin that for her. I got home yesterday and I am once again starting over! I have b/p once today, but I am going to try with everything I can not to do it again. I really want to go back to WW but I just can't. I'm going to do it at home. I don't know why I feel I need the meeting so much. I can go back once I have this under control. I'm going over to the WW at home thread to see if there's something over there to keep me going. I know I can do this!

ICANDOIT


PLEASE don't start abusing laxatives. You could get very very ill. You could get poisoned from using too many. Believe me I know. I too started to swell and got dehydrated. So just remember that.


Love and prayers

Hello icandoit- glad to hear that you had a nice vacation!!! Please, stay away from the laxatives. They don't help and they will only make the swelling worse. I know easier said then done-drink lots of water!!! Our bodies are holding onto everything right now for fear we will take it away. But drink lots of water and the next day or two you will feel 5 pounds thinner!!! you can do it!!!

Wow! I'm glad you two are back!

Hazelangel, I'm so glad that you're doing better. Don't worry about not checking in if you busy. You just didn't sound that great in your last post and I was afraid you'd given up! I think its great that you're getting away. It was so good for me, I've already scheduled another trip as soon as my babies are out for the summer!

Stephielou, That's great ...13 days is really good. We both need to get to a counselor, though. If you have insurance then they should cover it, and you can find one through them. In the mean time hang in there!

You will be glad to know that I threw those laxitives away as soon as I unpacked. The whole experience was very unpleasant and I won't be doing that again. As far as b/p I've been doing better the last few days. I have been doing it once aday but I've been counting WW points and making sure that I keep food down. I've even exercised! My body is finally letting go of some weight so I must be doing okay. I have a family reunion coming up( in-laws), I have 4 weeks. I think I can look okay in 4 weeks as long as I exercise and eat right. I always wait until a couple weeks before an event then have to b/p to fit into my clothes, then I eat while I'm there and I'm blown up by the end of the trip. I've done that to many times and am sooo sick of it. It's also getting hot here and I can't fit into most of my summer clothes so I have to lose this and keep it off. I don't have that much to lose and I know it will come off pretty fast once my body knows it's not starving. I started about 3 days ago so I should be fine. In fact I'm going to go workout right now!

Good luck to you!
Rachel

The last few days have been really good for me! I have not even wanted to b/p! I've been doing great with my points and I have alot more energy! I haven't worked out but i have been more active than usual. I found out I have an extra week before my reunion. That let me relax a little! I can do alot in 5 weeks! The last time most of these people saw me I was a size 12 so even if I didn't lose anything I still look better now. Its really not so much what I look like, I want to know that this disorder is behind me. I want to have energy and be able to look people in the eye when they ask about my weight loss! I feel great right now and I know I can do this!

Sorry i just realized there was an extension to the new thread so i moved this over here!!



Hi everyone! I just saw this and realized that it looked like where i need to be.

I have bulimia too and have had it for over a year now. I got "better" for a while, and while i'm not nearly what i used to be i'm still doing it.

I'm also a binge and purger. Basically if i feel i have eaten too much then i 'spit-up' because i can't throw up. I have never made myself do this, but i know that it is a conscious effort, i just don't have to stick my finger in my throat or anything like that. I don't know exactly why i started, but i did. When i first came here in 8/99 i weighed a little over 160 lbs on a 5'3" body. I wanted to get down to 125. Now you have to understand that i am extremely muscular, and at 135-140 lbs. right now i wear a 4-6. I weighed a little under 140 last January when this started, and i don't even know how or why...but it did. Then it got worse and worse, and i was checked by every doctor you could think of, because of this strange form. I got down to 124 in about 3 months, and the lowest i ever got was 119. At this point I was extremely sick and frail and weak.

Then this Fall i decided that enough was enough and that i had to stop and this worked for a little while, and then it started again. I want so desperately to tell someone, but i'm ashamed and i feel like i can work it out myself.

I've pretty much got things in control and when i'm taking my anti depressants regularly that helps too.

Just knowing that there are others out there who understand makes me feel so much better

Thanks
Katie


__________________
"Even if you are on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit there."
-Will Rogers

Hi Katie and welcome!

I know exactly what you mean about feeling ashamed to tell people. I even had a really difficult time telling my dr.. Coming here has helped me a great deal, and I think it will help you, too. I realized alot of things just sitting here typing out my thoughts. I wasn't afraid of being looked down at or judged, that makes it alot easier. I have been doing great lately, I've gone almost a week without doing it at all! I've even started exercising which has helped so much. I know what you mean about having alot of muscle. I'm a little taller than you(5'8),but I wore a size 6 at 150lbs and looked pretty good. Unfortunately, I have losed alot of that muscle and I'm trying really hard to get it back! My clothes are tight and I hate that! It's gotten alot better over the past week, hurray.
So how are you doing right now? Are you taking your medication. What are you taking, if you don't mind me asking? My dr put me on effexor-xr and it made me worse! It was like I had super PMS or something. It was so bad that I have been afraid to try anything else! I think I need to sometimes, and will talk to my doc about it soon.
Anyway, please come here if you need to talk about anything, or if you want to tell us about a great day you've had!We are all stuggling here, this is very difficult to deal with sometimes. We can do it, though, and just know that we're here for ya!

Rachel

Welcome swimmerbabe!! I am so excited that there are more people coming in to this thread. I don't feel so alone anymore.

WAY TO GO Icandoit!!!!! One whole week without b/p. I am so proud of you. Keep up the good work.


Swimmerbabe. I too never stuck my finger down my throat to purge. It was a psychological thing. I made myself feel so guilty about eating too much or anything at all that I would get so worked up and then I would vomit. It was so easy so I just kept on doing it. My doctor said it was impossible to do that so I showed him in the office one day because I was sick of him making me feel crazy. Needless to say he believed me after that.
I am 5'8 and 162lbs and wear a 14. But when I was 145 I wore a 7 go figure. I am medium build and muscular too. The rest of my body looks good it is just my stomach and hips. I have a large chest so I really don't look that bad. It is just the number thing. YOU ALL KNOW WHAT I MEAN. That magic number you want to be. I don't even own a scale and don't weigh myself anymore. The only reason I know how much I weigh is because I just went to the doc. My goal is to work on my self image. If I feel better about myself then I will look better to myself. I am on a low calorie diet and I am starting to exercise. I would like to start running again but I need to quit smoking. I have failed in my recent attempt. But I know I can do it. One day at a time.

Well I gotta go. I will write more later. Again Welcome and Way to go

Love and prayers

Hi ladies. You know when I was pregnant with my first child, I did that. I had just quit smoking ( good luck with that Hazelangel)plus being pregnant I ate alot. The first 3 months I was really sick and would throw up almost everything I ate. Then when I didn't feel sick anymore I gained like 6 lbs in 1 month. (this was before I had a weight problem so it was a shocker)So after that I would throw up all the big meals I would eat. I didn't need to use my finger( do now...yuk!..I mean did!), I would just do it! I never thought much about it. I guess because I just told everyone, including myself, it was just from being pregnant. Then after the baby I stopped and that's when I started gaining! Wow, I haven't thought about that in so long! Got pregnant again and gained alot!!! Did WW and lost about 50 lbs. I did b/p a few times but nothing regular. Then 3rd baby and gained alot, again!!! Started WW again, losing well, and just got off track one day when my parents were here and started doing it regularly. I think I didn't count the times before because I didn't binge like I did this past year. When I was pregnant or on WW, I would eat and if I thought I over did it I would get rid of it. This time I would eat massive amounts of food, knowing I would throw it up. I've even gone to buffets, knowing before I walked in the door I wouldn't keep it down. How sick is that?
It just makes me see this has been going on w/me longer than I thought. WOW!
Hazelangel, you are so right about self image! As I get older it gets a little easier, less pressure I guess. That's great that you're "dieting" and exercising! I 'm weighing myself because I'm doing WW at home and its like a weekly marker for me. I am not obsessing over the # like I do when I'm not on WW. Its just tracking if that makes sense. Good luck w/ the smoking thing. I know it is so hard and its 100 times worse while your trying to fix this other problem,too! I was fortunate when I got pregnant the first time I couldn't even be around cigarette smoke w/out feeling sooo sick! I still wanted to smoke ,just couldn't. By the time that passed afew months later, my cravings were gone. Luckily I never started again. I know you can do it! You're a strong person! GO GO GO!!!!

Good luck ladies and take care
Rachel

Not only am I going to kick this problem I am going to quit smoking. I have too. I have this need to be healthy. Lord knows that I have done enough harm to my body already.

About the scale, I just feel that if I had one I would be carrying it around with me weighing myself every 5 min. Isn't that pitiful. I know myself too well not to buy one. I am just trying to better my lifestyle and work on my problems. So far it has helped out alot. My oldest little girl told me today that when she grows up she wants to be as beautiful as me. It made me feel so good. When I hope she always thinks that way. I want to be healthy and stay healthy mentally and physically. I want my girls to be proud that I am their mother. I wasn't of my mother. It was so hard to tell my mother in therapy that part of my eating disorder was because I didn't want to look like her when I grew up.

Anyway girls I am heading to bed. I have a busy day ahead of me.

Love and Prayers to all

Crystal

Oh My God...I am so sick of this!!!!! Sorry, but the last 24 hrs have been horrible! I have been doing so great! I've been doing WW at home and its been going really well. I did b/p a couple times but i ate right after I did it to make sure I fed my body enough. Then yesterday, about 5:00 it just started. I did it 3 times, one right after the other. Then this morning, I didn't even want to do it...but something kept at me ,and I did. So I left and took my baby to the park so I wouldn't be here to think about it. When i came home , I did it again. I feel ok now. I don't know what happened! I know that I'm better than before because a couple months ago I would just do it...I wouldn't even think about it. Now, I do, and I fight with myself. Its like I have a little angel and a little devil fighting w/each other. Isn't that crazy? I just have to figure out how to make the good side win. I know all the reasons not to but its not enough in the momment. I'm getting back on track RIGHT NOW! I'm not going to do it any more. I just ate a huge healthy dinner and I feel good about keeping it down. I just feel like such a loser. Why do I do this to myself?
I'll be back in the morning to start my day off right!

I hope you are doing well.
Rachel

Rachel

Don't beat yourself up over this. Just take one day at a time. Just make each day new. Then eventually you can work on making a bigger goal for yourself. The more you beat yourself up the worse you are going to feel. I know when i feel bad about b/p, it makes me feel like what the **** I did it again, another time won't hurt. So just make your goals day to day. You will see a difference. Take the big picture and narrow it down until you cover the whole thing.
I will be thinking about you while I am on Vacation. Remember I will be gone the 2nd thru the 9nth. So don't worry about me if i don't check in.

Hope everyone else is doing alright. Have a good week while I am gone.

Love and Prayers

Crystal

Hi everyone. I'm feeling much better this morning. I don't know what happened to me yesterday. I did keep my dinner down last night, in fact I ate alot after that and kept it. It was all good healthy food , so I feel good about that. I just ate some oatmeal w/walnuts and raisins for breakfast , I think I'm ok now.
Crystal, you are so right about the day to day thing. I think I just lost focus because I was doing ok, and it just snuck up on me. I'm not beating myself up because,like you said, I'll just keep doing it. I'm about to go workout which will make me feel better.
Thank you for all of your great advice and have lots of fun on vacation!
Take care
Rachel

How's everyone? I'm doing ok, I have b/p, but no more than once a day. I could exercise more but overall I'm doing fine. I've been keeping busy w/ all the end of school stuff going on. We're also getting ready for our many summer trips we take every year. This has helped me keep my mind off things. I cancled my dr.s appt due to my husbands schedule. I didn't reschedule and I really don't want to! I will because I know I need it. I'm just afraid that if I start thinking about all this stuff I'll just get worse and I'm not up for that right now.
Well, I'm off to my PTO meeting. See everyone soon!
Rachel

Rachel

If you go to the doctor yes it is true you have to actually face your problem and talk about it to your doctor. But that is an essestial step in your full recovery. I believe in you and I believe you really want to get better. So just think about that.

I am having so much fun in New Mexico with my family. It is beautiful here. I just had to check my email. Internet addict....LOL. I will write more when I get home tomorrow. I hope everyone is doing well. Love and prayers
Crystal