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If you have kids..

#1

wife2abadge , 06-30-2004 04:57 PM

What kind of attitudes do you think you're passing along to them regarding weight and self esteem? I worry sometimes that my daughter is picking up bad messages about weight from me. I try never to comment on my weight in front of her and tell her that I exercise to stay healthy and have a strong body, but she still makes comments that startle me. She knows I go to TOPS and that it's a group to support weight loss, and my mom does NOT help matters any by constantly remarking on my body (you look so nice and slim!) and my food (that doesn't look like diet food!). My daughter is not fat -- in fact she's skinny in relation to her height -- but she'll say "look at my fat tummy" (she's almost 7). ARGH!!

I know part of my problem is that my mother (actually my stepmother -- my mom died when I was 4) has always been overweight and obese and is obsessed with weight -- both hers and everyone else's. When I unpacked my diaries and looked through them before I got married, I saw that my mom let me go on a diet with her when I was 10 (and I wasn't fat then!) WHAT was she thinking?!?

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#2

jiffypop , 06-30-2004 05:43 PM

wife... unfortunately, no matter how hard you try, your daughter will pick this stuff up from other sources, like TV, and others at school. years ago, my beautiful niece - a top 10 distance runner in her state - was OBSESSED with what she perceived to be her 'fat tummy.' now, this is a kid with rippled abs, and hardly an ounce of fat on her. but somehow, at some point, she and her friends translated the roundness of their changing shape with FAT.

and when we went to her graduation a few weeks ago, i eavesdropped on her conversations with her friends who were also runners. and some of the things i heard: 'if you're too thin, you're not strong.' ' i like my muscles.' ' i need to eat more because i've been running more miles the past couple of days.' 'i coudln't go to that college. the runners are anorexic and i don't want that.' 'she looks gross. too thin. she's not healthy.'

made me so proud of her!!!!! and i know her mom helped with those messages, but the most important factors, were, i think: excellent coaches [which means a commitment to a sport that she loved], and a bunch of friends who focused on health and strength rather than on modeling.

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#3

3fcuser1058250 , 06-30-2004 06:36 PM

Jiff is right on about kids seeing all the "bad" stuff on TV... Years ago I was watching Sailor Moon with my D and one of the episodes was about obsessive dieting and exercising... I almost changed it but I thought I'd watch it through to the end... and in the end they talked about healthy foods and a healthy amount of exercise and not to obsess about such things... You see if I would have changed it in the middle of the episode she would have only seen the part where the girl "obsessed" about it and not the "healthy" part... I was pleased with that particular episode, but most shows and just young actresses in general don't portray a healthy lifestyle well at all... That's why WE as parents must show the example...

What I do around here is try to show my D, who is 13, a very impressionable age, that every thing is ok, in "moderation" ... Let's say she wants ice-cream after supper I will remind her that she usually likes her popcorn in the evening, and to make a choice of one or the other but NOT both... She usually takes the popcorn...

What I am trying to instill in them is to move!! They are clued to the chairs these teens!! But as I think back about myself I was 19 or so when I started biking and being interested in exercising...

Yes it is good to be thin but you also have to eat the good stuff, and Jiff, how proud you must've been of your niece's conversation with her friends... Yay...they do grow up!!

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#4

wife2abadge , 07-01-2004 10:43 AM

We don't have TV & haven't since before my dd was born, but I know she'll pick up these kinds of messages at school. I just want to make sure I'm not adding to them I guess.

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#5

StarPrincess , 07-01-2004 11:21 AM

I don't have kids, so I may be wrong here. But here's my 2 cents. We are all constantly bombarded with messages about how we should look, act, and think. The important thing is to give your kids the tools and knowledge they need to deal with these messages in a healthy way.

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#6

boiaby , 07-01-2004 03:12 PM

I have the same concerns for my 6 y.o. daughter. I fear that in seeing my transformation she has put undo importance on her own weight. She has mentioned to me that she thinks her tummy is too big on more than one occasion. Sometimes it is so hard to know what is the right thing to say and do. I try to emphasize being healthy in general. Not eating too much as well as not eating too little. I tell her that food is fuel for the body and we need plenty of good, nutritious foods to keep things running smoothly. That, along with regular exercise (anything that gets the body moving) is all we need to live long, healthy lives. But you can't escape outside influences. We are bombarded with images of "perfect bodies" every time we turn around. For instance, my daughter adores Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen and at this age she doesn't realize there is anything wrong with Mary-Kate, all she knows is that the girl is very thin and that she doesn't look like that herself. It is scary what kind of damage weight related issues can cause in young girls. All I know to do is try to set a good example and be very open and willing to answer questions, and just hope to God they come to us when they need help. I would try to curb the influence your stepmother's comments have on her by always trying to put your own positive, healthy spin on the things she says. Good luck and let us know if you come up with anything else that might help, I know I need all the help I can get on this one!

Beverly

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#7

MrsJim , 07-01-2004 05:03 PM

Ya know, the first thing that came to mind when I read this (whether it's related or not) is this column that was in today's San Francisco Chronicle - check it out. Kind of a "children learn what they live" sort of thing.

Quote:
When food takes place of family
- Joan Ryan
Thursday, July 1, 2004

When Bay Area documentary filmmaker Mickey Freeman first met Joyce Girtman and her family, they were asking an obesity expert at Children's Hospital Oakland the most basic of questions. What should we eat? How much should we eat? When should we eat?

It didn't occur to them to ask another central question: "With whom should we eat?''

Freeman knew from his research that, while there are many causes for the spiraling rate of obesity in the United States, the most overlooked one is the decline of the family meal.

In many homes, it has gone the way of the Sunday drive. Studies suggest that as few as one-third of busy, time-crunched American families eat dinner together most nights. Sitting at the table at the same time and sharing more or less the same food is almost a counterculture practice in a "Have It Your Way'' society.

"Why would we eat together when we're not hungry at the same time?'' one flabbergasted teenager asked when the topic came up on radio talk show recently.

We live in a time and a place that so prizes individuality and busyness that millions of dollars go into research and development to invent meals-on-a- stick and takeout containers that fit into car cup holders. Supermarket shelves are filled with such a variety of microwaveable, single-serving meals that family members can eat what they want when they want it and where they want it -- which in ever-increasing numbers means alone in front of a television or computer screen.

"If I had to choose only one thing to do for my children, it would be the family meal,'' said Barbara Carlson, co-author of the book "Putting Family First: Successful Strategies for Reclaiming Family Life in a Hurry-Up World.''

"Parents today tend to see themselves as providers of goods and services to their children'' instead of as leaders and teachers. "What's being lost is the idea that children are citizens of families and communities, part of a whole.''

That was the case in Joyce Girtman's house. Her family was a band of individual diners connected by a common address. When the family showed up at Children's Hospital last year, Joyce weighed 285 pounds. Leslie, her daughter, weighed 344. The granddaughters, 16-year-old Joanna and 10-year-old Chelsea, weighed 298 and 247, respectively. Freeman, who is making a film called "The Weight of Obesity,'' watched the four women that day in the weight-loss program laughing, teasing each other, telling stories about hiding whole chicken dinners under their beds and eating a week's supply of cupcakes on the ride home from the grocery store.

When Freeman filmed them later in Joyce's Oakland home, he listened to Chelsea talk about how overeating blunted her loneliness and depression. She felt isolated at school because of her weight and, despite her family's clear affection for each other, she felt isolated at home, too.

"Since the beginning of time, food has always been a catalyst for bringing people together,'' Freeman said. Nightly meals with his own two sons had guaranteed at least one balanced meal for everyone and exposure to a wider variety of foods. But more important, he said, were the conversation and stories that pulled them out of their individual lives and back into their life as a single, supportive tribe.

While technology has revolutionized communications, it also has carved society into millions of one-person islands. People move through the world now with their own portable moats of cell phones and CD players. They have televisions in every room in the house and now even video screens with individual headsets in their cars.

"I had never thought about (the connection between family meals and obesity),'' said Joyce, who is raising her two granddaughters. She retired several years ago from her job at the Social Security office after suffering a stroke. "What Mickey told me about family meals made a lasting impression. I said, 'OK, kids, we're going to do this.' It made me feel like I had a purpose in life.''

That was in December. When I visited Joyce and her family recently, they were just sitting down at the kitchen table for a dinner of spaghetti, salad and garlic bread. They say they haven't had fast food in more than six months.

"I've learned sitting at this table that my mom used to get dropped on her head as a baby,'' Joanna said, laughing and shooting a look at her mother, Leslie, who lifted an eyebrow and smiled. Leslie lives nearby and joins them for dinner most nights.

For Chelsea, who just graduated from the fifth grade, the kitchen table became the place where she could unload the pain she carried through her school day. "I talk about if I'm jealous of somebody or if somebody says something to me about what I'm wearing,'' she said, spearing a wedge of iceberg lettuce.

In six months of family meals and some increased exercise, Joyce and Leslie look like different people. Joyce has lost 60 pounds. Leslie has lost 61. Joanna has lost 15, and Chelsea 12.

"This has changed my life,'' Joyce said. "I wasn't as family oriented with my grandchildren as I was with my children. I let them live here but basically let them do whatever they liked. Then Mickey came in and made me feel like I needed to fix it.''

As Chelsea began to clear the dishes, her sister took out the dominoes set. The game has become a frequent coda to the dinner ritual.

"You ain't gonna beat me!'' Joyce teased. Leslie hooted in response. The two girls laughed. The kitchen, with the cabinets and table and four chairs, seemed too small for the four of them and yet a perfect fit.

For more information, go to www.weightofobesity.org. E-mail Joan Ryan at [email protected].

URL: http://sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cg...AG9F7EIGD1.DTL

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#8

StarPrincess , 07-01-2004 05:22 PM

great article! I never thought about that, but it's right on.

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#9

3fcuser1058250 , 07-01-2004 06:03 PM

Great article Karen -- As usual!! I'm so happy that I had chosen to not work when the kids were born...We eat meals together I'd say at least 99% of the time... and now that they are older I only work part time...

I particularly liked this part:

Quote:
"Parents today tend to see themselves as providers of goods and services to their children'' instead of as leaders and teachers. "What's being lost is the idea that children are citizens of families and communities, part of a whole.''
The part that "children are citizens of families and communities, part of a whole" .... I really hate it when kids get paid to do every little thing around the house, wash the dishes, mow the lawn, clean your room... I never pay them extra for doing these everyday things... Not long ago DD was saying that her friend had alot of money... I asked how come she doesn't work! Her reply was that the kid's mother paid her to READ a book!! $5/book... do the dishes, etc. etc... I find that awful I just feel that this child will not do anything for anyone if it doesn't pay HER in the long run...

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#10

jiffypop , 07-01-2004 09:37 PM

oh my goodness!!!! this is fabulously interesting! what tremendous repercussions this could have, not only with weight and the family, but also for the community. what would happen if folks actually started seeing each other as an essential part of a larger group instead of as obstacles to run over in parking lots and crosswalks!

<can you tell i live in joisy????? i freak out in other parts of the country when drivers let me cross a street without taking aim!!!>

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#11

3fcuser1058250 , 07-01-2004 09:52 PM

I'm sure many of you have heard the African proverb: "It takes a village to raise a child" .... Years ago I had used this in a speech at a parent/teacher meeting...Then a few months later I heard the school board use it in a news letter... HA!! How cool was that!

In our schools our kids must do 40 hours of community service in the 4 years they are in HS or they don't get their diploma!

Maybe the world is catching on!

Jiff --are Joisy folks wild drivers? Like my neighbours the Quebecers... You don't even have to know you're out of the province, because no one used their signal lights, no one lets anyone go by anywhere!

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#12

Mel , 07-01-2004 10:21 PM

Ilene-It's not so much that they are wild in Joisy, but that any moving object is viewed as a target. Life as a video game. Comes from spending to much time in dimly lit casinos in Atlantic City and proximity to NY.

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