I am hoping to find someone who I can support and can support me through some unusually tough times. My "self-everything" is extremely low and my weight has reached an all time high! I need to take care of myself while I decide how to proceed in my marriage. I need to work on losing at least 60 lbs. Anyone out there strong enough to help? I promise to give and support as well.

Hey there, PF - I have so been down that road! I'll talk to you any time you like

SP
Thanks for writing back. I am in such a slump and I can't seem to drag myself out of it. I found out recently that my husband of five years has been carrying on a "friendship" with one of my good friends through e-mails and over coffee. Given that this particular friend is stunning, smart and not in the best place in her marriage, I highly doubt that there was nothing else happening here. While my husband pleads innocence and that he doesn't want to lose his family over this (we have one child who is four) he has also been quite clear that he is not at all attracted to me due to my weight. I have always taken pretty good care of myself and been reasonably fit. After my son was born I decided to quit my job and stay at home. It was all downhill from there. I don't regret staying home, but my life changed from being a very busy VP for a fairly large international corp. to sitting in my house and walking through my neighborhood.
I am the only one to blame (for my weight, not his transgressions) but it has gotten completely out of control. I am 5' 7'' and I am at an all time high of 232lbs. I look at that number and I want to throw myself off a cliff...or go and eat.
Anyway, I am sure that my story is not unusual, but it is still overwhelming to me. Not only do I feel invisible as a woman and a wife, but I am beginning to feel like all I want to do is hole up in my house and see no one.
Again, thanks for writing. Any words of advice, wisdom or experience is so so so appreciated.
Fluff

Hey Fluff - glad you came back! I spent years in self-destruct mode. As you can see from my stats, I wasn't a small girl when I started this. And before I figured out how to take control of my life, I tried ever easy out I could come up with. The pills, laxatives, prescriptions, eating myself into oblivion, and being generally pissed off at the world. My current husband is pretty wonderful, but I went through some rotten boyfriends and a completely rotten husband before this one. Needless to say - I was not in a good place. I don't know if it will help you, but here's what helped me:

1. Understand that there are two types of things in life. The things you can do something about and the things you can't. If you can't do anything about it, then let it go, there's no point getting all worked up over it. If you can do something about it, the get it done and move on.

2. If you are not in control of your body, your body is in control of you. Take the steering wheel back!

3. This was the hardest one for me. This can only be about you. If you are trying to change for anyone else, it won't work. Thin or not, things may not work out with your husband. That falls into the category of things you can't do anything about. Take care of yourself. Take care of your child. The rest will work itself out.

4. This was the most important one for me. Embrace some insanity. As a former VP, I'm sure you know all about being in charge. Explore some other facets of yourself. Go jump in some mud puddles. Wear a tiara to the movies (yes, I do this on a regular basis). Sing karaoke. Take up bellydancing. ****, take up breakdancing The point is to find new things that can make you feel silly and free. It's a wonderful feeling.

When you can do things to help you feel better about yourself, the rest will come easier.

~Star~

Hello Fluff. I am sorry for the situation of your marriage. You know and this is just MY opinion, if your husband really loved you your weight wouldn't matter, I weighed 114 and was 18 when I got married, now 27 years later and 100 pounds give or take heavier he loves me more than ever and we are closer than ever. Marriage is more than sex and body size. It's about respect, friendship, love, dignity. You did nothing wrong. DO not put yourself and blame your husband's wondering on yourself. You deserve better than thinking less of yourself because of his insecurity or his pride. I hope you know that you are worth being healthy and happy for yourself. God BLess You and good luck.

Fluff,

My weapon of choice is WW. I'm working on losing about 70 pounds after having my second baby. I've done it before using WW, which I love because of the group support and accountability.

What I appreciate most about it is that following the program keeps me from feeling guilty all the time. I have always felt guilty about eating or overeating. Keeping up with everything in a journal, following a menu, being accountable for it every week and getting that support makes me feel that I am in control of something. And let's face it, when someone else has the power to make us miserable (like our husbands), it's nice to feel that we can control something.

Good Luck!!!!!

What a lot of stress this is for you! Hard to enjoy your child's childhood, with all of this evilness going on! It may be that Daddy-o would always find a reason to take the easy way out, and always find a reason why it's your fault. Wouldn't that be ironic, to lose weight for him, then have him decide you're not a good enough housekeeper, or you're getting crows feet, or you have ugly toenails. Is he going to stay with the marriage and do the work that will improve his quality of life, or keep finding excuses to go astray? Only he can decide.

Hey you guys... thank you all for writing to me. Just knowing that I might have an e-mail that is supportive is way positive! My husband and I had counseling this morning, we've been going once a week for awhile now, and I walked out of it feeling a little more empowered. Even though I can't walk past my reflection without cringing, I feel like I am working toward a place where that isn't the primary thing and that I truly believe that health and happiness are key and the number on the scale should not be the determining factor regarding my mood or my level of success.
I am unhappy though. I feel lazy and undiciplined. I have been going to Curves for about a month now and really like it. However, I let myself get way too overwhelmed by my situation. As I ration my food and sweat at the gym my mind keeps telling me that I will never get to where I want to be. It is like self sabotage! I want to be positive and hopeful, but there is this part of me that keeps saying 'just give up and be the way you are. You never finish anything you start so don't try to kid yourselve and others by pretending to make and effort." As I read that I am appauled! Outwardly I am extremely positive and optimistic, especially towards others. I dont' know why I treat myself so poorly.
Anyway, now I am just babbling and procrastinating. I am suppose to be meeting a friend and her son to go to her club and swim. It is wicked humid out and I know that once I get there I will refuse to remove my gigantic cover up so as not to offend. It sucks being so vain and self conscience. I wish. more than anything, that I could try and focus on the big picture and not each excruciating step.
Please write when you can....I really look forward to each of your thoughts.
Fluffypuff

I know something of what you are going through. About 4 months ago, after noticing a real change in our relationship, I finally got it out of my boyfriend that my weight was bothering him - I was around 50 pounds heavier than when we met 5 years ago.

I was devastated, hurt, embarrassed, angry, guilty..you name it.

I know the common opinion is that he should love me whatever my weight, and he does love me - he could have broke it off, but he said all the other things he loved about me made up for what he didn't - my weight gain.

I've now lost 38 pounds, and our love life is as great as it always is. I haven't lost the weight for him - I've done it for me, and us.

I hope you can stay strong, and do what is right for you. I don't know if what I have said has helped at all, but I wanted to let you know that people out there understand your pain.

All the best,
Katey xx

Puffy sounds like you need a book called The Thin BOoks, it's two books in one, the first part deals with compulsive overeating and low self esteem and about changing your attitude to a more positive one, the second part is a daily positive meditaiton with a positive action plan. I loved this book so much that I gave my husband one for Father's Day and he is actually reading it, of course a few threats helped, just kidding, and I also gave one to one of my best friends and she is doing much better mentally, so you may want to go to a local bookstoe and get a copy. It's worth it! Good Luck and God Bless.

PTRosary
Thank you for the suggestion. Ironically enough the Thin Books sits on my book shelves along with every other book that I have purchased believing to have inf. that might help me. The only difference is that I have never taken it down to read it. Now I have a reason to. I can't imagine asking my husband to read something like that and him doing it. It sounds like your husband is a good support.
Anyway, it is another day and I feel confident that I will do well today. I am going to check my messages several times to keep me motivated. Even if there aren't any it is so helpful to browse the forums. Have a wonderful day and thank you so much for continuing to contact me.
FP

FP- Everyday is today. Yesterday is gone and you cannot undo it and tomorrow is not hear yet - but everyday is today and today is the day to do good! I know you can do it! My friend Starr and I are reading the book and underlining things that makes sense then we will journal our thoughts on that sentence. I emailed Starr this morning and told her that a lot of times I get excited about a new book or program just to have the excitement fizzle after awhile. Well you know what, if it fizzles then I have no one to blame but me and I feel that it shows that I am unwilling to make the necessary changes in my life and the way I relate to food. Did you see the Star War movies? In the second one Yoda had some very good advice for the young Luke Skywalker who was using the force to try and lift his aircraft out of the water - DO OR DO NOT -- THERE IS NO TRY!!! So you and I have two choices - DO OR DO NOT, try is not a third choice. Do or Do not - I CHOOSE DO!! How about you? What is your choice? God BLess You and I will be praying for you.

Hey Fluff!

I wanted to check in on you and see how you're doing today. You've gotten some good advice here and I know that you'll figure out exactly what works for you. You're gonna be great!

Hey Fluff. How are you doing? My husband and I had our weekly weigh in this morning. He loss 1.25 pounds and I turtled ( a TOPS term for no gain, but no loss, i.e. stayed the same). No fair that men lose more and faster than women! Anyway it's not the end of the world and it's not like I had a gain, so I just start again with the hope that next week will be better. Try and read the Thin Books, I really feel like it will change your life and give you a better attitude and more self esteem. I am going to order one for my son and his wife, which means his wife and she'll just tell him what it says, if she reads eat -you know the saying you can bring the horse to water..... I can only give the book, I can't make them read it. Anyway just was just checking on you. Praying for you. God BLess.

Hi Fluff,
I joined the 3fc site when they first started over 9 years ago. I was and still am part of the NIGHT OWLS forum on here. Many of us come and go but always seem to find our way back to the "nest" to stop in and catch up from time to time. After almost 17 years of marriage, two children ages 9 and almost 16 and at the age of 45 (46 in Sept.).....I find myself FINALLY going through what I would call "POST DIVORCE DEPRESSION". BUT!!!! I really recognized something in your post when you wrote "My "self-everything" is extremely low and my weight has reached an all time high! I need to take care of myself while I decide how to proceed in my marriage. " That's exactly how I felt during the last two years of my marriage. Our divorce was finalized this past March 4th and although your marital situation is a little different but not too far off from what mine had become....it's true about them loving you no matter what size you are. If he's not being faithful....that's nothing YOU brought on. You had a baby, our bodies change. Some of us snap right back into our shapes and some of us end up with entirely different bodies. The latter in the norm. I should know. Both my children weighed about 8 pounds and I only lost 4 POUNDS THE DAY EACH OF THEM WAS BORN. I was mortified. I was doing really well for a while, then I moved into this beautiful, gated apartment complex and thought I would be so good since there's a pool and workout room. Inside raquetball, tennis...blah, blah, blah.....I haven't gained but I'm at a standstill and for the first time in a long time I feel like you do when it comes to your saying "My "self-everything" is extremely low." I think your friends advice in here is very good.......think about yourself and your son.....if you really love your husband then talk to him and don't walk away until the two of you have tried everything within your power to make "it" work. Meaning YOUR MARRIAGE. If it still isn't working, then you can leave knowing you did your best, you were faithful, a good wife and mother and will have a clean conciense (sp?). Peace of mind makes all the difference in the world. Make sure you keep your "peace of mind" and take it slow with your weight. It didn't happen overnight and it's not going to go away overnight. Hang in there...you've got alot of help and friends here.....you'll get there.....just believe in yourself and it will happen.
I wish you luck with your weight, your health and your family. Just for the record....I changed my AVATAR/ICON today....it pertains to my daughter and her age. Soon to be 16 and going on 30!!!!!! and me too of course.