I am new here and thought that I would throw this at anyone willing to give some sound advice.

I am in a weightloss group. It is held on Monday night's at my sister's house and there are now 7 girls that are all (well) over 200 pounds trying to lose weight. There is one girl that is really doing well and she is getting married in September and let me tell you there are going to be alot of people at the wedding that I know and I want to be HOT!
ANYWAYZZZ
There are a few people in the group that I refer to as floaters, they lose a pound here and gain there...and really get no where quick. To me I don't feel that they have the drive that the rest of us do..we all try to help them get on track and I have talked til I'm BLUE in the face and I get no where.
Last week since the meeting is during dinner or when everyone gets out of work we all usually bring a dinner meal to eat prior to the meeting. Well this week one of the "floaters" brought a Double Whopper with Cheese to eat as her dinner. Let me tell you I saw red!!!
Either she knows me or was sure that I was about to say something she looks at me (she sat right next me eating my lean cusine..=) and says,..."This is all that I am eating today! I started a new job and I can't eat or drink all day. So this is all that I am eating!" To make matters worse she lost 9 pounds for the week! (**Keep IN Mind she is up 8 down 9 up 12 down 6...teetering back and forth each week) and then my sister then says we better not say too much to her because she lost alot this week?!! All that I said was, " It is just a REALLY bad example that is all!" And didn't want to say anything else!

But, I am still pissed about it and it is Friday!

Any advice? Comments?
Should I ask that if "bad choices" are going to be made maybe they can be made other times during the week? In this weeks meeting should I ask that? Should I pull her aside? I just thought that she has alot of gull!

To me it was like bringing a can of booze to an AA meeting!! Hello??

Please advise!
Thanks MQ

Hi MQ,
First of all, ask yourself, "Why am I so ANGRY?" And then ask yourself, "Who is she REALLY hurting? And then I advise you to let go of it. Your friend is definitely a YOYO dieter, and she is only hurting herself. Focus on YOUR goals, and become healthy for YOU! Enjoy the journey, the healthy journey and rejoice your little, healthy losses that are gone forever.

I do agree that "bad choices" should not be brought to your weekly meetings, but suggest you let the anger dissipate before bring the issue to the "table."

Thanks Connie!
I just don't know what direction to turn. I guess that I am MAD about it because she reaches out for help and acts "Oh Woe Is me" and that pulls something like this and brings something like a Whopper to eat? And I KNOW this is what she practices at home, she has told us that she has gone threw a drivethru three times in one day and ate 6 fish fried sandwiches in one day! Well talked to her about that for nearly an hour and now I feel that I talked to a wall.

I think that a bad example is hurting everyone especially her.
Thanks for the help!
Anyone else have an ideas? Thoughts?

I am sorry but I have to got say if this meeting is supposed be for weightloss support and she brings a Whopper to the meeting I think that shows she cares nothing for the other people in the group who are really trying and if I had a burger in front of my face while I was trying to get support I would be pissed as well. Who cares is she has lost that week or not. All of you guys spend a huge amount of time supporting her and she should do the same. What is the real reason she goes to these meetings? For a dinner buddie or for advice and support? I know everyone (including myself) slips alittle in this journey we call a diet but geesh.....who wants to see it firsthand?

Sorry that's just my opinion and saying it out loud would probably cause friction with your group so you just continue to vent here okay....we'll listen and I promise not to eat fries while I read it.....

MQ, I agree with a lot of what Connie said, but I have to tell you that I've been around people like that and they can be tiresome. I think that some people are just looking for any reason to be social, including joining dieting & exercise groups. I had an acquaintance like that once. She was the first one to join the latest dieting group at work (e.g., WW, Overeaters Anon, etc.). She simply enjoyed the social aspect of it. And while there's nothing wrong with that (I enjoy the social aspect too), my PRIMARY movitation is to try to lose weight, and I see the social aspect as a side benefit.

The tiresome part of having those people in the group is that it all just seems like a game to them. They come in w/ the same old story: "well, I screwed up again" or "didn't feel like exercising this morning" or any other version of these. I'm not saying that I haven't said those things (many times, in fact), but these type of people seem to treat such dieting downfalls as "par for the course," and they seem to say these things with the sole purpose of getting attention from others in the group.

I don't know if I'm making much sense here, but I just wanted you to know that I know the "type" that you're talking about. After a while, I guarantee you that the rest of the group will catch on and while they may continue tolerating her presence, they will probably eventually commiserate with her less and less until she loses interest in attending.

Just a couple of suggestions and questions: Are you the group leader? I think you should approach the leader to approach her, in a discreat manner and not in front of everyone. The leader is not angry with her, and let your own anger dissipate first before talking about it...

I absolutely, whole heartedly agree that there should be NO junk food at those meetings... Like bringing a beer at an AA meeting... Extremely faux pas!

Another thing, if this gal is strill going through drive-throughs after discussing them in a meeting, I really don't think she's ready in her head to loose weight yet. When and until she has it in her head to loose the weight, it ain't gonna happen for her!

Try suggesting the Dr. Phil Book....

Just my 2 cents....

Hi, MQ. You've had some good advice on this thread, but you and the other members of your group also have a right to be royally pissed.

Not only is it a knock on the other members to chow down on a Double Whopper with Cheese in front of them, had it occured to her that the odour of her dinner might have you or them drooling?

I've been dieting since the start of this year, and let me tell you...every time I walk past a fast-food place (especially ones that make those cheeseburgers I adore), the smell of cooking makes my mouth start watering instantly. I know I can't have any of that food, but the longing's there. It doesn't help that I work in an environment where crew members are always walking past me scoffing fries, onion rings and burgers of every kind. So if I went to a meeting of like-minded dieters, and someone turned up with a Mac-Special-Happy-SuperCalorie-Meal, I'd be suitably tiffed.

And her defense..."This is all I'm eating today"...tell her there's one determined person in Australia living on green salads and tofu as their one meal of the day! Honestly, if she'd known she was attending a dieter's meeting that night, she could have either turned up with a take-out salad or waited til the meeting was over to nosh on a greasy burger.

My advice: if she does it again, look at the junk she's stuffing down and ask "Wow, how are you ever going to exercise THAT off?!?" Works every time my housemate says that...see my other thread...

Wow... MQ, I agree with everything everybody said here! Love the quote about bringing a beer to an AA meeting!

I think she's probably the most unhappy of the group. Selfish and self-centered and for that, i truly feel empathy for her.

Focus on you and your own plan. I agree that someone should say something.. Does your group have a time at the beginning for 'business' portion of the meeting? Perhaps there should be some guidelines laid out that would benefit everyone.... And, if it is a 'diet' or weight loss club/meeting, then it would only make sense that the only food allowed would be something healthy. I think even Whopper Lady would have to agree with that if she can see past her own self.....

Remember she's got problems, perhaps bigger than yours, and you can be grateful for that!

Good luck! I wish I had a group to go to that wasn't OA.... I tried those meetings online, but they weren't for me....

Sigh..... Rambling now.
Later!
Stefanie

Maybe if you guys had time everyone could be responsible for bringing something healthy that the group can share. Things like fruits and veggies, crackers, different ingredients for a salad - that way, you're all responsible for each other and everyone gets a healthy meal!

And maybe its time to sit down and have everyone get real with themselves - you can kid yourself about being on a diet until you're blue in the face, but until you're actually making the right choices about what to eat - you're not dieting and you're not getting anywhere. Some people, like me, have to write things down in order to hold themselves accountable for them. Maybe you could start a group database - where everyone weighs in and maybe enters how many calories they consumed that week - you'd be able to keep track of your successes and failures as a group and it would build more responsiblity within the group - maybe you could even chart your progress along a big graph b/c I bet it would be really fun and motivating to see a descending line of total pounds lost by the group!

Thank you to everyone that wrote in the thread here and tried helping me. My computer here has been down otherwise I would've told everyone what happen at the meeting this past Monday!! Other than me LOSING 6 POUNDS in one week!!!!! Yipppppeeee for me! (IT was a whopper free week too....lol=)

Anyway...she made an annoucement she said that she was sorry that she brought the Whopper last week and she wouldn't do it again. This week she brought a BIG SALAD ( lol Seinfeld) BTW: Yes, I am the Group Leader =} I told her that I was glad that she said something, because I was afraid that I was going to have to say something. Now I don't know if she apologized because she heard it through the grapevine that I wasn't happy or what...either way I do not care. She was wrong to do it and I don't think that it will happen again.

I have nearly given up on her at this point and am tired of wasting my breath too. It is sad because I really want to help her but she needs to want to A) Want to Lose weight and B) she needs to want to help HERSELF. I don't think either is the case at this point which is too bad for her because our group is great and she is NOT about to ruin my weight loss focus...whopper or not.

You guys are GREAT!!!!!!!!!!!!! Thanks again sooo much for being so understanding and supportive to me. No wonder this is the SUPPORT section of the forums!

YOU CHICKS RULE!!! =o]
MQ

MQ, you hit the nail on the head. You can't help her until she wants to help herself. Don't give up on her completely though, she still needs your friendship and support. She may be teetering on the edge and if you totally withdraw she may just give up entirely. That doesn't mean you have to invest all your time and energy on her. Congrats on the 6 lbs. great job!

MQ... this is a FABULOUS thread. thank you.... and you've gotten some incredibly wonderful advice... and i have a few thoughts <of course... otherwise, why would i be typing?????>

you're the group leader... and what concerns me is that you've spent a WHOLE LOT OF TIME focusing on this woman's issues on a regular basis, probably to the harm of others who are really and truly trying. as overweight women, we have this nearly complete inability to focus on ourselves, so when someone who doesn't really want help wants to talk, we let ourselves become sucked in and ignore our own needs.

soooo. maybe some thought into how you're running the meeting? someone mentioned Dr Phil's book.. maybe going through this - or some other topic - as the focus of the week's discussion?

LOVED the idea of the database/accountability idea.

and i'm suggesting this from experience. i moderate a group for people who've had the weight loss surgery, and i'm here to tell you that it's SOOO easy to get sucked into the issues of one person. and then no one gets anything out of it.

so i choose a topic and we have an open discussion. last meeting, it went something like this: we all talk and obsess about everything we put in our mouths, but we never EVER mention what we're doing for exercise.. .so that's what we talked about.. EXERCISE.

and another meeting was on handling family gatherings...

just a few thoughts.

and you're doing a FABULOUS job, by the way. anyone who makes this kind of time commitment and effort deserves major big hugs and support....

Thanks Jiffy!
I appreciate your thoughts and advice! Our group meetings and conversations are all mainly based on Dr. Phil, his book and videos. We talk about the steps..however not everyone in the group wants to talk about it and not everyone is as serious as some are.
Every group meeting someone different brings a new topic or advice (something that they have researched that week) and they bring the topic to the table and everyone listens and inquires about it and shares feelings, experiences and stories. It is a lot of fun not only does anyone really get to know everyone but, we get to learn some things that don't normal occurr to us. Then each of gives a little insite into what they thought of the topic and if they are going to do anything different this week because of what they learned. Then I ask if anyone had an challenges that week, questions, concerns, motivational stories.. or issues that need or want to be discussed. We do weekly weigh in's and everyone that loses gets to add a sticker for each pound that they lost that week. Everyone has their own stickers some people have bees,flamingos' I have lady bugs...(you can always spot a lady=) We all count the numbers 1.........2.....3... as the stickers are being put on and when they complete their sticker pasting everyone cheers and it moves to the next person. (WE don't booo the gainers...lol)The person who loses the most weight that week gets a special heart sticker. That is the BIG deal. Last week I got it with my 6 pound weightloss. This week I lost 3 pounds, but didn't get the heart because someone lost 4 pounds. Everything is all well organized and I send a motivational email mid week to keep everyone going and moving for the week. Reminding them that Summer is just around the corner and we want to be thin. I am not sure if it true that I try to take unfair care of people who are floaters, they are the ones that I feel need the most support. I just want everyone to be on track and everyone to lose weight. However, I can only bring the horse to the water...I can't make em drink. I think that I am doing the very best that I can with the group and that we will be successful! ~=o}
Thanks very much for the advice
MQ

MQ - good for you for taking some responsibility for other's health! If there were more people in the world who cared about others as much as you do - we'd all be size 6's with low cholesterol and energy to burn! *This is me patting you on the back*