I thought I had hit rock bottom and things just couldn't get any worse with the way I feel about myself, my weight and how I look. Well these past few days have just been terrible.

My 6'2" husband now weighs 21lbs less than I do (5'3") and he lost the weight by cutting back on his alcohol comsumption and from the gallstone problems he has had these past few weeks.

I'm 2 lbs within my all-time highest weight.

My big fat belly has taken up residence on my thighs. It is the most disgusting feeling to realize that your belly is resting on your thighs when you are sitting down. When standing I have to stretch backwards to feel my belly lift off my thighs. I think this one bugs me the most because even at my all time highest I didn't have this problem, it is because my abdominal skin got so loose when I was pregnant.

I've spent the past couple of days trying to get a handle on all of this. I'm trying not to feel drastic but sometimes I think I would gladly have the gastric bypass surgery.

Right now I am just trying to change a few aspects of my diet such as eating more fruits and veggies. I don't think I could cope with trying to jump into anything else and I know really that if I did I would just be setting myself up for a failure.

It just galls me that we really do try so hard and get nowhere. A lot of the time I have thought that I wasn't really trying, I was just going through the motions, that my heart wasn't in it. Well now I don't think that anymore. It's an uphill battle we're fighting so any effort is really a good effort.

I know that there are some areas where I can do better, I just need to start rearranging how I think about my life and where it is going.

my heart goes out to you. that self hate thing is coming through loud and clear.

it's a hard hard thing to unlearn, this self hate. and taking care of ourselves is nearly impossible as long as we hate ourselves.

self love is way too big a concept for me to wrap my mind around, so i've kind of moved into a 'detached' state. not the best thing, i agree, but at least i can take care of myself out of a sense of duty or some kind of mechanical response. believe me, i'm not doing a damn thing out of self love, either!!! so i really sympathize.

your idea of tiny steps is PERFECT. do something manageable.

as for the gastric bypass, i'll be happy to talk with you about it, whenever you want. from what i understand, though, there are huge waiting lists in canada...

The surgery is just, well I guess sort of a fantasy. I know it isn't really a magical solution but I have visions of myself losing all the weight in a few months without any effort. I know there is a lot more to deal with than that. It's not something I would really do but it is fun to think about sometimes when I'm feeling really low.

I don't know if I would say that I hate myself. More like I am really disgusted with myself. I'm a smart woman, I know better than this and yet here I am wrecking my body and my health. Well the part of my brain that knows better has got to have a serious discussion with the part of my brain that is causing me to scarf down crappy food!

Oh, my, I'm hearing the self hate, too, and I can certainly emphathize. I've been watching the Dr. Phil thing, and, although you may hate Dr. Phil, he makes some pretty good points about changing the negatives to positives. I think it's one of the hardest things those people in his challenge have to do. We've spent so long hating our bodies and ourselves.

I like your idea of baby steps. You might try this. Change one thing next week (like drinking water), and maintain that change for a week. Then add another change (like walking a block each day), and maintain that along with the first change for a week.

I hope you post more often and let us know how you're doing. Whether you feel like crap or you're on top of the world, we'll be there to support you--I promise!

I don't watch a lot of talk show type tv but I have caught a few of the Dr. Phil shows where he is talking to his weight loss group. That is where I got the one quote that is in my signature. He said to the one blond girl (sorry I don't know her name) something about being the fat girl for the rest of her life. Just the look on her face and the way I felt when I heard that really got to me.

I haven't posted a whole lot lately because of the feeling like I was just going through the motions and also that I was talking alot about weight loss but not actually doing anything about it myself. I can't stand people who continually talk about something that they never do or never intend on doing. I don't want to be one of those people. Also I don't want to be coming here all the time and whining and moaning. I know it is important to vent but hey let's have a reality check, it can get pretty tiresome for people to listen to the same old crap and just as tiresome for me to be spouting it off all the time. I feel like I am just swimming around in circles and I guess I need an explosion to get me out of this rut I'm in.

I can't say I read self-loathing in your first post Jen - I see your hatred of a situation you feel powerless over rather than self-hatred.

As much as you may tell yourself you want something, I agree that there has to be some kind of lightning bolt that hits you one day and truly spurs you into action. I had that epithany 1-1/2 years ago - sure I had been fed up for years with how I looked and felt, but I always seemed to be going on a diet every Monday but never making it through the week. So not only did I feel depressed about my weight, but I ended up feeling I was a failure as well (NOT a good combination).

I guess it's similar to quitting smoking in that you can tell yourself as you puff away that you'd love to quit and may even quit for a few days at a time, but you really truly have to want to quit to be successful.

I could try to say soothing things Jen, like telling you when you're rock bottom there's nowhere to go but up, but I think it's something you have to feel deep inside of yourself and all other people can do is support you during the process. It'll happen - you have the desire, that's half the battle - now you just have to dig deep to find that special something that'll convince your brain it's TIME! Then there'll be no stopping you

there's a model called the prochaska diclemente model of change, and it defines a whole bunch of stages: like precontemplation, contemplation, and some action planning steps. i can't remember it all.

but if it's any help, jen, you're fitting right in there., what you describe as talking about weight loss rather than doing something about it fits right in with the model. and the fact that you're thinking about doing something is right in line with it as well..

yeah, it's a little weird, but apparently these two researchers looked at how people change, the factors that go into making the decision, and how they approach it, and came up with this model.

Hang in there Jen ~ we understand and are here with/for you!

Gayle