Kathleen - you specifically asked if I would post about how the talks with the nutritionist are going. Well...after yesterday, I am close to breaking down

I should have known that a journey into self-help would be painful and hard ... I don't want painful and hard!!
Example - so I mentioned to the nutritionist (her name is Kate) that in my first therapy session on Tuesday, (in person with a therapist) I told him that I had a hard time 'living in the moment'. You know, finding joy while I am living, as opposed to feeling that I should be thinking ahead, planning ahead, worrying for the day/week/month/years. To which he said, "how would you feel...if you had NOTHING to worry about? if all your financial/emotional/whatever troubles were taken care of?" Well that was kind of mind-blowing...do all therapists ask that question to get us thinking? I answered that it would be super marvelous

but to me seems NOT practical because to be a responsible adult you HAVE to think about things and plan . So I kind of 'get' what he was getting at. That maybe, if at that moment, you really can't do anything other than what you've done, just go ahead and enjoy that drive to the store with the sun and blue sky.
So Kate (nutritionist) asked "how would you feel is there were NO forbidden foods, if you could have and enjoy a cupcake or a cookie or a bag of chips, without feeling that you were 'bad' or that you had to scrimp your calories to 'pay for it'? Of course I answered that would be super marvelous also! She then suggested that I buy whatever it is that I would 'enjoy', and do have it and enjoy it. and try to analyze my feelings while enjoying it, and maybe (someday) come to the feeling that I can enjoy something, and finish it all, or save some for tomorrow, or the next week..I guess that means having control over the food instead of it controlling me. BUT I said that I could not fathom buying a treat when I am NOT dying for it...to just buy it to try to calmly analyze it? i am NOT at that point. To me, that's like bringing a rattlesnake into the house! I have a feeling that some people have never experienced what some of us do - that if I have just a taste, it brings on the terrible cravings for MORE MORE MORE . So she delved further and said 'what would be the worst thing to happen?' and I said "I would crave more and more and maybe have more and more'. Again from her - 'and what would be the worst thing to happen from that?' Me - 'gaining pounds that I have been trying so hard to lose'. Her - (you guessed it haha) 'and Holly what is the worst that would happen from THAT?' So it was a breakdown of trying to get me to say ultimately what I feared from gaining weight. I answered "feeling unattractive, feeling that I failed, that people won't like me, that people will think I'm fat, that people wont' take me as seriously as a fit person". And I don't mean to say that she was like badgering me, she was speaking in the kind way that she does...it's just hard for us to admit these things.
anyway... i am not going to purposely buy my danger foods just to bring them into the house to test myself