I've been recovering from anorexia and my metabolism is really messed up/hypothyroidism and have adrenal exhaustion and can't lose weight!! Also a competitive colliegate D1 athlete (rower) training twice a day and eating barely anything, especially for my level of activity. Because my body is so screwed up I gained back all the weight plus more in recovery. Ive been dieting and exercising for months and my coaches monitor every single bit of food I eat so it's not like I'm miscalculating. They're confused because I'm not losing weight and I should be. It's so frustrating being fat and not having control over it. I eat a super clean Paleo diet, absolutely flawless. I have two specialized team dietitians and i eat exactly what they tell me to. Nothing makes me feel as hopeless as trying so hard every second of my life to lose weight, with no success. I'm 5'10, 24% body fat, 172lbs. Don't tell me that's in a healthy range because Im not the average person, my sport relies heavily on body composition and I NEED to lose weight. And I can't just tell them that I won't because it brings up body image stuff because I'm here on scholarship so I have to do whatever they need me to or else I'll lose my scholarship. I've been feeling so depressed and at this point it seems hopeless and if I don't lose weight I'm considering killing myself. I just can't help but cry when I look in the mirror and I have several emotional breakdowns every day about it. I can't take it anymore. I don't even care about my major anymore, I've completely lost myself in my obsession with my weight.

Suicide is not an option!

You don't really want to give up. You don't want to quit.

Your thyroid and metabolism are resilient. Have you seen a Doctor about this?

You need to find the diet which works for you. Some people just eat too much. Others eat too many carbs. Some eat too much fat. Some don't drink enough water. Dieticians are not the end all be all for weight loss. Weight Loss is part diet, part hormonal, and part psychological.

You could also be losing 'fat' but retaining water. When you lose fat your body releases water molecules. That does happen with endurance athletes. After a hard workout you also tend to retain water weight. The scale and the mirror lie to you. Body composition scales are not the end all be all either.

I made an account just to say you can do it. You can. I know you can. You know you can. So do your coaches or they would not be working with you still.

NEVER GIVE UP!

First of all, I'm so glad you're reaching out, and I'm so sorry you're going through this. I know it seems hopeless, but no number on the scale or sport or scholarship is ever worth ending your life over. You say you're under the care of dietitians, which is a great thing as far as your eating habits are concerned, but are you under the care of a regular doctor and therapist as well? It's great that you're recovering and eating healthily again, but it is *not normal* to be suicidal over your weight. If you haven't already, find a good doctor and therapist who are both experienced in eating disorders and athletes. There might even be some good health resources through your college--if it's big enough to have a rowing program and dietitians on staff, it probably also has the associated personnel who can deal with eating disorder issues (at likely no cost to you). Do your coaches know you're struggling emotionally like this? Are they supportive? If not, a good doctor is even more crucial, since she/he can be your advocate.

I know you don't want to hear it, but it bears repeating: you are NOT fat. You ARE a healthy weight, even if it's not the weight you'd like to be or need to be for top athletic fitness. I'm an athlete too (ballet dancer actually), and I've struggled with similar issues, so I get that it doesn't feel like that *at all*. But it's still true. And if you need to take some time away from school to recover and be healthy, do it; there may well be a provision for such situations in your scholarship's fine print. You wouldn't be the first student to pause for a semester. Even if not, I'm 100% sure that your school's financial aid office will do everything in their power to help you. There are a ton of people around in universities that want nothing more than to help you and for you to be healthy and happy and financially viable. Is there a good friend or a family member who can help you find and follow up on some of those resources (and of course be there for you and be a good listening ear)?

Ultimately, your health (both physical and mental) is far more important than any sport, than any scholarship, even than your schoolwork. *You* are more important than any sport/scholarship/schoolwork. I hope you never need it, but if you do: 1-800-273-8255 is the National Suicide Prevention Hotline's number. Your university might even have its own emergency number like that. Please, please don't hesitate to ask for help when you need it.

I gained 30 pounds as a rebound from eating 0-800 calories a day for an extended time. I can't get it off either. Don't kill yourself over something as petty as this, please. I can tell you're young and you have so much more to live for whether you realize it or not... I know it sounds cliche. I thought the same when I was younger.

But it's true.

I wonder what you would say if you read your own story from the perspective of someone outside of it. 24% body fat is entirely healthy. And being willing to kill yourself for not dropping into an unhealthy range shows seriously skewed priorities and values and a complete lack of honoring your own life. I think the fact that you're here and told the whole story indicates that you realize there's something wrong there. I hope you will seek out help. Talk to your parents. Talk to a counselor. And seriously- consider stopping your sport. No sport is life or death. Period. If your sport is driving you to think that dying would be better than living, then your sport is destructive to you and you need to get out of it. I don't know if your coaches are putting pressure on you (it sounds like they are) in which case they are unhealthy for you to be around. Please stop and re-evaluate your life. And don't choose a permanent solution to a temporary problem. You can't undo suicide, but nearly every problem you'll ever encounter you will either overcome or adapt to, and you have so many joyous moments to live for.

Call crisis line they allow you to call as often as you need to or are in crisis. You would need to google the number for your local crisis line there where ever you are. I was 242Lbs and felt Miserable.

I ate to please my elder who worked at home as a husband pleaser. She cooked meals and I ate what she cooked and showed my mom that i appreciated her food.

Now mom is no longer here to cook meals for me, and I have lost interest in cooking myself as I never was 1 to be stuck in the house or kitchen except for doing homework, bedtime, and a few other events round here...

I joined a local gym, and took a lap swim class. Within 1 yr or 1.5 yrs I had dropped 65 Lbs. I was not sick. I had just refocused my time and energy into exercising and not being at home as often.

However after my parents passed away I missed the food related events and moms home cooked meals. Its lonely w/o a support group if losing weight is this extreme of an issue.

Can you find a group of other like minded pupils as yourself who might get together on campus and help each other to feel better about being in school and athletics and even may all be experiencing some form of body image problems.

I would also recommend finding a therapist in your community to see on a weekly basis for now as you sound very depressed. If you are covered for health insurance or campus has health ctr go there and be assessed for depression, They have meds that help you cope w/ depression and you may even gain some energy and drop 10-20 Lbs too.

You need to open yourself up to allowing people to help you and even know whats going on in your head. Your too much into your body and need to speak to a professional.

Good luck guy, I wish you the best in recovery. Stay in touch here and keep us posted on your progress....

I wish you'd at least let us know if you are okay, Kepler.

Its worrying how your weight is an obsession again as you know how dangerous that can be.
Have you thought about seeing a different dietician for advice? And maybe seeing a personal trainer on advice about other exercise regimes etc?
Sorry all im thinking is perhaps you need to switch it up as your body might just be used to everything your doing at the moment.

Kepler - There have been some wonderfully supportive replies from members here. And I know that a private PM was sent to you from one of the administrators. No further responses from the 3FC community are required now.

However, I'll leave this thread open so that you can find it if you come back and respond if you like.

I like that statement of yours, "You can't undo suicide, but nearly every problem you'll ever encounter you will either overcome or adapt to, and you have so many joyous moments to live for."

Although true on its surface, UNLESS a person has been truly suicidal he/she cannot understand the mental-emotive state of someone who is suicidal. Your statement comes from someone who speaks from their head, with reason. A suicide is engulfed in strong painful emotions, where reason is not in charge any longer. But your sentence MIGHT push a suicide's reasoning ability more in the foreground again, helping her/him to avoid final self-destruction.

I recognize that in cases of suicide driven by mental illness, that would be the case. In this case, it seemed more like this person was being driven to despair by influences outside of her, not within her. I could be wrong. I wish she had come back and let us know how she was doing.

Oh no, please don't. How are you doing now?