Hello all,

I wasn't sure whether or not I should post this under "Introductions", this being my first actual post, but I thought my story would be more relevant under this topic. I apologize in advance for what is likely to be a lengthy post: I am just trying to provide as much information as possible to give everyone a clear picture of what is going on. I have also been bottling my feelings for years, and I really just need to get it all off my chest. I can pretty much promise none of my future posts will be this long, so just bear with me please. Also, please forgive me if I start to sound a little incoherent, as I have not been able to sleep for two days.

My name is Leigh Anne. I am 29 years old and I have been struggling with depression and weight for over half my life. It has completely taken over my life so that I hardly think of anything else. I even keep myself awake at night obsessing over my weight, and the stress of it has definitely exacerbated my depression symptoms and worried my family.

I'll start by saying that I was not an overweight child in the least. I was an active, healthy, "regular" looking kid, no different from any other little girl. It was not until I was ten years old that I began suffering from depression as a result of my parents' divorce (so initially the two were not related, though being depressed did negatively affect my self esteem). It was not until I was 13 years old that I began to gain weight. It was gradual, but noticeable, and it bothered me so much that I felt I could not function like other kids my age. My weight made me angry all the time, and my mother could never take me shopping for school clothes because I refused to try on anything. I would look at the girls' clothing and just "know" I was too fat for them and begged my mom to let me shop in the boys' section. We often fought as a result of this and I spent a very large chunk of my adolescence wearing the few clothing items I was comfortable in until they were literally in tatters. I didn't know why I was gaining weight, since I have never been one to eat out of boredom or stress. I have always only eaten when I was hungry. Well, that same year I was rushed to the ER in the worst pain I've ever experienced in my life and the doctor informed me that I had ovarian cysts, which could possibly cause weight gain. However, I remained the same weight until I was 15, when I experienced the very same pain. After this, I watched in horror as my weight started to climb. I was still quite active, being in ROTC and exercising regularly (I wanted to join the military so I wanted to get into shape). I wasn't horribly overweight, but I was just pudgy enough that my classmates felt the need to comment on it. Not all of it was mean- spirited, but I've always been SO insecure that any mention of my weight made me just want to die. And I was just chubby enough that my crushes were repelled whenever they found out I liked them. One or two of them even became openly hostile to me. They all thought I "worshipped the devil" because of the black clothes I constantly wore to school to hide my weight , and wanted nothing to do with me once they realized I liked them, even if they'd been nice to me up to that point. This cycle continued to repeat itself until I was 20 years old. My depression was beyond manageable at this point-- it crippled me, and my weight was definitely getting up there. Even my boss felt the need to tell me what I already knew (because mirrors don't exist, right?), and I had a meltdown at work and had to go home early. By now, I was approaching the 180 lb. mark. That wouldn't have bothered me so much except for the fact that I am pretty short (5'1"-- thanks, Dad), and it made me look sort of egg- shaped. I became extremely bitter with self- hate, and I found it really difficult to trust people. But eventually, I became involved in a relationship with a person I came to trust enough to let my guard down, and I ended up being dumped. Twice.

I have not had another meaningful relationship since. Each time I have sought one, I have had to relive the pain of rejection I felt in high school. And my friends were no help. My every attempt to confide my feelings to them resulted in my being set up on a "pity date" that never became more than that. They would also try to give me makeovers, which upset me to no end because I just ended up looking worse and I felt like they were making fun of me. My friends constantly caused me pain in that they didn't have the same problems I did. They were all experiencing life and having fun and meeting new people all the time. And I knew that it was because of my appearance that I was deprived of the right to just "be a teenager". I spent a lot of time alone and cried constantly.

I wish that I could say that now that I'm an adult, I don't let things like what happened in my past affect me like they used to. But I am now over 200 lbs. and my depression has gotten so out of hand that I no longer even see myself as a person. My every attempt to take control of my weight has been sabotaged by my own self- hatred, and I always end up giving up because I have convinced myself that there isn't any point. I have stopped leaving the house unless I absolutely have to; I no longer wear makeup because... well, lipstick on a pig. When I do leave the house, I cannot have normal interactions with people because to them, I'm just a short little blob whose existence is a joke. My quality of life has crashed and burned utterly. For the last year and a half, I have had to deal with not even being able to confide in anyone my feelings because my best friend-- only remaining friend, the one person to whom I should have always been able to turn to for support, betrayed me and literally left me on the street to rot.

I am more alone than I've ever been. And yes, I'm used to it. Yes, I can manage to deal with being alone with my thoughts whenever I need to. I have had to learn to do just that in order to keep my sanity. But it does get old. For once, I would like to be able to speak with a person and have them see me [I]as[I] me, and not just my weight. And yes, for anyone who might be about to ask me, I have tried going to the doctor and being put on special diets. A few years ago, I lost nearly 40 pounds eating food with lots of protein and exercising every day from 3:00 to 6:00 am. I knew I was looking better, even if I still didn't like the face I saw in the mirror. But I stopped doing all of it when in 2012, I lost my grandfather and both my cats, all within a few months of each other. I was so depressed I couldn't even stand to be awake during the day. I felt like I was in a living ****, and I just stopped caring for a while, until one day I realized that I'd gained back all my weight [I]and then some[I]. That's pretty much where I am right now.

And yes, of course I'm miserable being this way. I feel like I'm worthless and a failure for gaining it all back. I do not enjoy life. I do not enjoy living at all. But I just can't get the motivation to try to lose the weight again. I'm unhappy being fat, but I'm also just too tired to go through all of that again. I'm tired of all of it, and I'm tired of having to deal with society's constant obsession over a person's weight. I just want to shut it all out, but I know that as long as I continue as I am, my life will continue to be empty. I am the worst kind of fat person in that I do not feel that I deserve to be loved by anyone, because I know my weight disgusts people, including myself. The last "relationship" I had was seven years ago, and I ended it because I realized that my "partner" was not with me because he cared about me-- he had a fetish and that's all I was good for. I realized this when a friend of mine passed away. It was only a few days later and my boyfriend had come by to see me. I was telling him about it and crying and just looking to be comforted, when he immediately began pawing at me and groping me. He did the same thing one day when I was very sick in bed. He couldn't care less about whether or not I was okay; he just wanted to satisfy his fetish. I know I did the right thing in ending that relationship, but I really think that that might have been my last chance.

My weight has made me ugly. And being unwanted by anyone, not just in a romantic sense but in a human sense altogether, is killing me. I wish I could just be a "normal" female and live a full life, but this is probably going to be it for me. I will be 30 in April, and I still live at home. My weight and depression has made me into a borderline recluse, and no amount of positive thinking and confidence will change the fact that I am considered a disgusting subhuman in the eyes of our society and don't belong out in public whatsoever. Being me is absolute torture, and I just can't keep quiet about it anymore. I apologize yet again for the length of this post, but it had to be said.

Leigh Anne, I'm sorry to hear of the things you went through and how dismal your life seems to you. Kids in school can be cruel. I think you will find that not all adults judge a person by how much they weigh or how they look. They consider the whole person. The feeling that you are a disgusting subhuman is in your mind only. You have come to the right place by joining 3FC. Read through the threads and you will find that many others face the same struggles you do. You will get lots of encouragement and ideas that will help.

Hi Leigh Anne, I agree with what Carol Sue said, but want to add that I feel you must address the depression issue before anything else. I strongly encourage you to see your GP or another medical provider who can properly diagnose what sounds to be clinical depression and get you the help you need, whether it be through RX or therapy. Once you feel better about YOURSELF as a person, you'll be better able to get your body in a healthier state. The rewards will be well worth it!!

Good luck!!
Andi

Hi Leigh Anne, I totally agree with WebWoman. Definitely seek out some help for the depression.

I had similiar experiences as you growing up. By 13 I had DD's and was steadily gaining weight, when previously I was an average size kid.

But there are good people in the world that don't always judge people. I'm 5' 2" and at my highest weight, I was 250. Yes, very depressing.

Getting the depression under control is the fist step to living a happy life.

(((HUG)))

Shiro: Well, you made a step here to join and therein is a positive. I agree w/PPs: find a doctor that can help you - get the depression in control, ask about PCOS (ovary issues, a lot of women on here can be of help) and one other ask your doctor to check your thyroid. Sometimes too, these other issues can be masking a thyroid issue once working with them and getting your body and feelings in check work then on your weight.

You are 30 - there is a whole world out there. Don't let things someone said to you when you were 15 hang with you. Let me tell you -in my experience there are a lot of dumb people out there who open their trap and let words fall out that sadly try to stick to us like glue. You need to start loving who you are first - do you have pretty eyes, a good laugh, a nice smile, creative mind, etc: find the one thing you like about you even if at first you think it's dumb - love that part about you and say I'm worth it.

I think if you find help to overcome your fears/rejection and sadness you will be on the right path. Sometimes we become overwhelmed with all in life and need some help to get started. Do you have access to someone that could refer you to a good doctor in your area? I know too sometimes you can call the clinic and ask to be referred and/or you can ask if you can meet w/a doctor for a no-charge interview to see if they'd be a good fit.

Get yourself well and back on your feet - your 30s have only begun and there is so much out there for you to see and be part of. Sending you and cheering you on!

Shiro, I'm glad you took the initiative to speak up here in 3FC. As everyone said, you will find that you are in good company here. We have all been through similar problems. You are not alone. Please seek the help of your physician first. If he/she doesn't help then find one that will. Take life one day, one step at a time. it's only going to get better from here.

dear Leigh Anne,

This is my first time posting here - I usually am one of those people who read but don't contribute, but your story has just reached out to me and made me want to speak up. Sadly not with words of wisdom (I wish I had some for myself) but to let you know that someone out there has heard you. I hear you frustration, your confusion, your anger, your disappointment. And it breaks my heart. It breaks my heart that another beautiful spirit has been brought low by an experience like this. I wish I could give you a hug, but the best I can do is hold a mirror of some kind up and tell you what I see:

I see a brave, intelligent, and resilient woman who is down but not out. Just by being here and sharing your voice, even though it is in despair, you demonstrate the fight in your heart. Please keep fighting. And thank you for sharing what you have and continue to go through - it really moved me. We are all here for you. I am here for you. You are not alone.

While the weight does not help your self-esteem, I think you need to do some soul searching. Maybe speak to a professional, and try some self-help books while simultaneously doing things that make you feel good. If thats losing weight, try again. I know you have no energy for it anymore but try not to think of it as some task/burden, but rather just something you do a little bit of each day. And slowly, when you start losing track, you will notice, little by little, you looking slimmer and slimmer each day. Try not to obsess over the numbers because it will burn you out. Find a hobby, speak to someone, and go slowly (Maybe start by some walking and cutting out fried foods, for example).

But above all, most people who are overweight are mirroring a deeper issue: serious depression and/or dislike/hatred for themselves. Society doesn't realize that people who are overweight dont simply just enjoy food, its almost always a deeper issue with themselves. You need to fix this, learn to love yourself again, and maybe you can really get somewhere. I would strongly recommend seeking professional help. No meds. Just verbal communication. As you said, you are lonely, and you're used to it, and I dont think you should be. Everybody needs someone to talk to.

Hey! Now, its time to your second move 'diet and exercise'. Don't feel bad for your weight, you can still work for loosing your weight.
Try meditation and yoga, it will help you with depression and weight loss both.