so me and my mum dont get on, never have. she would say horrible things to me growing up. ive never really felt like i meant anything to her. For example, 2 years ago i was collapsing all the time so i went to the doctors who then couldnt get any blood pressure reading from me and i almost collapsed in the office (if i hadnt have been sitting down i would have). I was to be sent for emergency heart tracing at the hospital and further checks. i called my dad and sister but they were both not there so i called my mum and told her what had happened and how they wouldnt let me leave alone and i was not to move from laying on the floor until someone could get me to the hospital and my mum basically said "well im going to your grans so i cant come". i was left there by myself scared. eventually i got my dad and he came though.

ANYWAYS!

I havent spoken to or seen her since last christmas which doesnt really bother me however, my sister has a good relationship with her and want to go and see her on christmas day and is nagging me to go with her.

I dont particularly want to go and would only go out of duty but heres the thing that feels like a slap in the face to me and is strengthening my wish not to go.
My mum is spending christmas day with her boyfriend who i despise and one of his kids. the card she sent me says "going to XXXX sons house for the meal with XXXX his son and his sons gf, we can sort something out".

Now im taking this as her choosing her "new family" over her own children. I mean im used to being second to my sister but now i even come below her bf kid?!?!

Am i wrong?

the other part is, if we go to visit her my dad will be on his own for at least 3 hours on christmas day - he has a history of depression and feeling unwanted and there is no way im having him feel like that if i can help it.

So, im saying if mum wants to see us she can come to us - my dad is fine with that. My sister is not happy, she sees it as me causing trouble for nothing.

What do i do? am i just being mean to my mum?

I see absolutely nothing wrong with cutting toxic people out of your life, I don't care who they are. People who say things to the effect of "you only get one mother/father/sister/brother/blah/blah/blah" or "blood is thicker than water" are either masochists or just have no idea how heartbreaking it is to have an abusive relative.

You're not being mean to your mother if you don't see her over the holiday, you're just not giving her the opportunity to be mean/manipulative to you.

Spend time with the people who appreciate you, tell your sister to get over it, don't waste another thought on your mom and clear your conscience over it. I've spent far too many years agonizing over why my father cursed me from his deathbed. I finally accepted that he was just a stone cold mean SOB who resented the fact he was dying and I wasn't.

You have a perfectly valid reason to stay with your father. Tell your sister that your mother is with people but he would be alone.

You have every right to be hurt that your mother wouldn't help you when you really needed her.

Both my parents are no longer living. I always wanted to be my sisters friend & my mother said, it will some day happen. Someday, never happened 40 + years later. My sister never did & never would like me, she even told her children to hate me in so many words.

Sadly, I must say there has been less stress in my life, without her in it. The family members that counted, are no longer alive & am sad that our family isn't close.

You may not like the answer, however it doesn't sound like you are getting anywhere with them. If you can handle it, it is best to cut the ties that bind you & move on with your own personal family. Now mind you, it is just a suggestion!!

I'm just sharing my own experience, hoping you benefit from it. The part of my family, who really counted died (my dad in the vietnam war) & my mother in 1994. I guess I got used to being alone.

I have a wonderful husband & a wonderful dog & the Lord to carry me through this, besides one real friend & some other connections.

I think the bond between mother and child- particular mother and daughter- should be an unbreakable bond of unconditional love and support. However, there are so many people in the world who aren't pleasant individuals, and many of those people are mothers.
I think life is too short to waste time, especially holidays, with people who are toxic to you. You should spend it with your father. Maximize the fun in your life and minimize the stress!

4sure: I sure have had my share of toxic friends besides. I eliminated one from my life 6 months ago & another one fairly recent: life is too short: 4sure!!

my dad told me he would be upset if i didnt go so i reluctantly went.
it was the worst hour and a half of the whole year but its done.

However, she then invited me to her joint birthday party with he boyfriend.... they are turning 60.... boyfriend really?????

Wow, that doesn't sound like fun. I know I've sure had my share of a similar, but different type of bondage: happy to of cut loose the strings/rope that bound me to them. Doesn't your dad clearly see that this situation is hard on you? Maybe he just thinks things will change? It is so sad 4sure to be around the people that do not appreciate you.

I'm going to have a tea-shirt made, that says,


I'd rather have no friends,
then to be friends with the unfriendly!!


It goes the same for family.
My parents would be shocked if they knew my sister for who she truly is, however they aren't around to see her heartlessness.

We grew up in the same home & I was taught B4 she was born, to be nice to her. I'm not sure why my sister didn't grow up with the same words. Had she of, I'm not sure she would of obeyed it, anyways. Mom raised us on her own, as dad died in the Vietnam war.

Sadly, her (my sister) children grew up with her corruption & are spreading it down to their children. Mom always said, I hope your children grow up, just like you, & in this case my sisters children may be worse: anyways my sister is getting her just rewards for raising her children that way, only she is too blind to see it, or she is strangely proud that they turned out like her: I give her no compliments in that department!!

Stay with those that make you feel loved and appreciated.
If someone wants to treat you like they don't value you stop working to earn their love. You love your dad and sister and they love you pour your energy into them

^^^ Amen2that!! ^^^

Not at all. Your mom treats you like utter dog poo,and you don't need that. I would spend the time with your dad instead. He needs you there.

People use The Holidays as a sort of Prove Your Love and Loyalty Day or as a Stick It To Them Day. Screw that! See your mom when YOU want to see her. Say that Dad is your first priority because he's alone. If she prefers unrelated people, she can have them! I would visit her Christmas Eve or sometime during the 12 Days of Christmas. We used to actually go away during the holidays when our kids were in a high level of sports and the competitions were during holidays when everyone could get away. Now we have no "excuse"!! And last Christmas with my Dad left me miserable. Argh!!