So, I am ashamed to say it, but back when I was really sick and in serious serious denial, I was "pro-ana" which is to say, I didn't think my "lifestyle" was a problem. I thought it was my choice to starve myself and I thought I could stop whenever I wanted. This eventually landed me in the hospital and I have been in and out of treatment for about 5 years.

I feel like my awareness of my disorder (and my supportive family and friends) really prevents me from ever fully getting back to that place but sometimes I get those old inclinations to fast or to see if I can work out and burn significantly more calories than I consume so that I can speed up my weightloss -- always with the addendum that once I get to my goal, I will get things back in check.

I feel like I have really been doing well with steadily losing 20 lbs and keeping it off over the last 4 months, but it's been hard to quell the urge to go to extremes.

Is anyone else in this boat?

I am the same way. I've been doing well as long as I focus on keeping my calories within in a specific range but some days are way harder! Yesterday, for example, I was really under the weather and I didn't eat much. When I finally tracked how many calories I ate I realized it was under 500. I knew that was too low but it wasn't on purpose, I just didn't have an appetite due to nausea. Well then today I had a big drop on the scale, mostly because my weight has been up over the past few days with water retention, but my mind instantly paired extremely low calories with big drop. That got me excited and my mind continued down the line of restricting has its uses. No! I had to immediately shut that down, apologize to myself in the mirror, and go make breakfast. I completely understand where you're coming from.

It's so hard. I also find that when I am trying to stick to a diet and exercise plan, that my other negative compulsions also start to come out, like documenting everything in the fridge every day (even when I already know the minor changes that occurred because I track everything that my husband and I eat), or making long grocery lists of foods I feel comfortable eating and then not being able to buy anything when I am at the store, and drinking excessive amounts of water until I make myself feel ill, or getting into a situation where I just eat the same food for all three meals every day for several days.

I also try and shut it down as soon as I notice it, but it's hard. I feel like it's just this comfortable, easy place that is so tempting to slide back to -- even though I know that the comfort and ease is short lived and followed by ****.

I will admit, I even surf websites like myproana periodically. I tell myself it's to make me remember how terrible things were, but sometimes I think it's just my way of getting that "quick fix" of feeling like I am "not that bad" because I am not underweight, because I do eat SOMETHING every day, because I don't make myself throw up, etc. but comparative behaviors are not healthy either... ugh.

Sorry for the rant. I just need to force myself to acknowledge that this isn't right and I need it to not be a secret that I am still struggling with it.

I have a lot of ED issues, and I started pre-planning my meals about 8 years ago. It helps so that I'm making sure to eat enough.

I actually also cook my meals and freeze everything in portions, but just writing down the exact meals and amounts of what I plan to eat really helps.

I used to measure out portions and meal plan. I should really get back to doing that. My current goal is to hit 1400 every day, and it would certainly be easier if I had planned meals that added up to that amount.