Hi y'all,
My story starts off with a cliche.
About a week and a half ago, my partner of almost eight years proposed and I accepted. For the first time in a long time, I felt so happy and excited and hopeful. Like there were things to look forward to again. I looked around my house and realized, I need to get my **** together. Suddenly, I wanted to be better, for the sake of myself, for him, and for our impending marriage.
Let me back up a little. I've been seriously depressed since at least 2012, if not before. Around that time I was living with my parents, struggling to finish my degree, working a restaurant job I hated, all while my dad was undergoing treatment for colon cancer. I witnessed first hand my dad's suffering through harsh treatments and his disease while the rest of my family members grieved. I did my best to help out my family as a way to cope with my grief, but looking back that was one of the darkest times of my life. When my dad eventually died I was relieved. I finally felt that there might be an end to the suffering one day.
When he died I was unemployed and living with my partner. For five months after that I did little besides lay in bed. I didn't go outside at all that summer. Eventually I realized I need to return to life and I went to the doctor to seek antidepressants. I got some medication and a month later I was hired with two jobs, both outside of the restaurant industry and in the job sector I really wanted to work in.
For about a year now I've been working full-time, still dealing with depression, but managing it through medication and therapy. I didn't realize what a funk I was still in until we decided to get married, and suddenly it was as if the clouds had parted and I remembered what all there is to life again. I remembered that I haven't even hit all the good parts of life yet. And suddenly, I wanted to lose weight.
I am a recovered overeater and undereater: basically fat person former dieter with eating issues. It has taken me so long to lose the diet mentality and even though I am excited about getting healthy, I am very nervous that if I start dieting and exercising again it will resurrect some of my old issues. The other piece is that I have failed many, many times to lose weight, and I am now at my highest weight ever. I am afraid of failing another time.
Right now I'm still in the contemplation stage. I am interested in a paleo diet because it seems to be efficient for building muscle and losing weight, and also because I am all about cooking at home and using whole foods rather than diet foods. I am nervous about food restriction. I think for exercise I want to start with body weight exercising and move on to lifting, because it seems to be most efficient, but I'm nervous about getting started. Basically I am super weak right now, from years of being basically sedentary, and I have an old knee injury that I'm afraid of aggravating. I would like to eventually add some cardio, like running or swimming, but I feel like making all of these changes would be a tall order for just getting started.
Writing this down is my baby step for today. I think it might make sense to take pictures and keep track of my weight and measurements--maybe I can work up the courage to do that later this week.

favouritewaitress! I am so sorry for your loss of your father, but I am so happy that you are ready to start life anew! I've suffered from clinical depression so I understand. I agree that you just need to take it one step at a time. You don't have to be in a rush. Don't pressure yourself and you won't have any reason to feel stressed out about losing weight. Just take it slow and steady. The Paleo Diet is an excellent diet! I don't think you can go wrong with it. And exercise to feel good. If it doesn't make you feel good, do a different kind of exercise. It's all your choice and there's no reason to fear. Your weight loss and exercise plan are very sound. Good luck on your journey!

Hi there and welcome!

I am new here too, and like you, have a history of depression (quite well in check with the right medication right now, and therapy).

Exercise should indeed be enjoyable enough to make you go and do it again. Swimming sounds awesome for someone with knee problems. What about water running, can it be done where you are? Where I am it's really popular, especially as it's easy on the joints and burns calories very effectively.

Good luck and see you here!

WELCOME favouritewaitress!!!!

I'll be right there by your side. I lost my dad over 15 years ago. It took me a loooong time to come to terms with it. And there are still times I want to call him/hear his voice/see his face. I watched him deal with COPD & then die suddenly with a massive heart attack. But cancer has made it's ugly rounds in my family so I can feel what you are saying. IT HURTS!

I'm glad you got help for your depression. THERE IS NO SHAME IN THAT! I want you & anyone who reads this to know that. I've read different things that says scientists believe that up to 40% depression cases may have a genetic link. Personally, I think it is much, much higher! My maternal grandpa had it, his brother had it, an aunt or 2 have it, a couple of my siblings do as well! So how can sooo many have the same condition & it not be genetic?

I have also found when my physical health is better, my mental health seems to join it. Hopefully you'll find the same. Eating better, exercising more & staying hydrated can help release those wonderful things called endorphins. Okay, I'll step down.

Take as many baby steps as you need. Remember this is not a sprint, but a journey. Do a little here & a little there til you find what works for you. For me, it was switching out something healthy to eat instead of not so healthy. Walking for 10-15 the first couple of weeks til I felt ready to do more. Pushing yourself now & then is a good thing, but don't overwhelm yourself. Overwhelming yourself may cause you to just throw in the towel.

Congrats on your engagement! Enjoy the happiness that brings & work towards whatever goal you wish! Come here for support, ideas & happy dances when needed.

Remember you didn't get to this place overnight, so be kind to yourself. I know that sounds easy but if you're anything like me...that is something you may forget from time to time. GOOD LUCK!!!

I like how you put that! Anxiety is pretty much my default reaction to like, anything, but you're right I don't need to hurry.

I'm glad you're getting the help you need. I honestly don't know how I managed before I started an antidepressant and therapy. I guess the answer is not well.
Yes, we do have a pool at the Y I go to. I used to do water aerobics but I didn't feel like a big payoff for the amount of time it took. I used to be a swimmer though, and I would like to return to it at some point. Any kind of water feels so good and therapeutic to me.

Sorry about your dad. You know how it feels then. It does get easier with time, but I still miss him so so much.
I totally agree that physical and mental health go hand-in-hand. If they didn't, I wouldn't be in the position I'm in today. I like to think I am getting back on an upward spiral, after spiraling down for so long.
I can always use reminders to be more kind to myself. Thank you.

Saying hello to you is my first post, so welcome fellow newcomer.

I can identify with so much of what you've said here: surfacing after a period of hardship and depression, realizing that you want more for your life and the fear that goes with the idea, wanting to change your eating habits without veering into disordered eating. Your baby step for today is a big one!

Your plans sound good all around. If you haven't considered it, you might think about gentle yoga as one of your beginning forms of exercise. I have found it to be not only beneficial for regaining strength and flexibility, but incredibly good for my mind and emotions as well.

Also, I wonder if you have read anything by Geneen Roth on emotional eating? Not everything she writes resonates with me, but one of her books (I think it was "Feeding the Hungry Heart") helped me get past my dislike of most diet rhetoric and focus on feeding myself better in a way that ultimately was very effective.

I look forward to reading your journey.

Hi everyone-

I just joined this site a few minutes ago and I am so excited to have found it. I have always had a weight problem, however, as a child, I was put on diets, which I feel may have contributed to my obsessive behaviors surrounding food. At one point in my life I was able to drop 75 pounds,, while everyone around me noticed it- I felt like I was still overweight. I have browsed through the forums here and it seems like this site has a very welcoming and supportive community for its members.

Good luck to all facing the struggle-

What is your current weight?