I feel out of control. Every single day for the last 2 years I wake up and tell myself that today is going to be a good day, today I'm not going to binge on junk food. Put then when it hits around lunch time, my cravings start. I think of exactly what kind of foods I want to buy and I don't stop thinking of them until I get home from work. I don't have a car and the shops aren't walking distance so I start to panic and freak out until I get my junk food, my getting delivery or forcing someone to drive me.
It's not junk eating a piece of chocolate a day. It's BLOCKS of chocolate and BAGS of chips and over a litre of soft drink and 4 ice creams! EVERY SINGLE NIGHT.

Today I ordered pizza and I was so ashamed of how much I ordered and I thought the delivery guy would judge me. So I bought two drinks to make it look like it was for 2 people.

I feel like I've tried everything, and now I've gained SO much weight I don't look like me any more. I am petrified of being in public around people my age and especially so scared to go back to my home town to see my best friends because of how much weight I've gained, and when I think about it I have BAD anxiety.

I don't know what to do

You're far from alone. There are thousands of people out there who do the same things you do, and feel the same way you do.

You really should try therapy. I would guess that you've gotten a bit isolated and lonely and are soothing yourself with food...something many people have done. I've also heard a lot of people describe what you said exactly "I get anxious/scared that I won't get my junk food."

I am sure you can conquer this but you need some support.

tash star, you're like so many of us who feel out of control with food sometimes. Waking up every day with the intention of being "good" leads to a lot of problems, it awakens in us a rebellion of sorts and we end up doing EXACTLY what we told ourselves we wouldn't do. It's a vicious cycle, the more you promise yourself not to binge the more likely you are to binge. I know it sounds weird but I can suggest a few books that can help you understand this concept. Try reading The Overfed Head and Overcoming Overeating.

This video is also a great intro https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pQFR7Qu_2QM

I can really relate to your post. Sending you some cyber hugs first. I don't know what will work for you, but for me, it starts with making some changes. Here they are:

I eat the same thing for breakfast every day. 1/2 cup of oatmeal with Stevia and lots of cinnamon (which helps regulate blood sugar). I also eat one raw brazil nut, which is like taking a selenium vitamin.

I count calories. I eat less than 1500 calories a day. If I fall off, I try to jump right back on because I know I can lose control very quickly.

Exercise. Even though I have chronic daily migraines, I still do exercise. I have to...not to lose weight, but to help me keep my mind clear on my desire to lead a healthy lifestyle.

I avoid processed (non-fruit) sugar and white flour as much as possible. I've noticed that those two ingredients make me want endless quantities so it's just a lot easier (and healthier). I only drink water but I do have coffee in the morning. No juice, no soda, no alcohol (I'm still a lot of fun, hehehe).

I stay active. It's not enough to go for a walk or work out. I try to move around a lot. Sitting for hours on the couch makes me want to binge. If I do get the urge then I try to clean something, organize something, call someone, chew gum, plan what things I need to do the next day.

I try to save my calories for when I need them the most. No matter what, I know that I gravitate towards eating more at night so my morning meal is under 200 calories.

I know my triggers. Not sleeping enough (which is just about every night), pain (which is every day), social situations, stress, boredom, sadness, etc. put me at risk for behaviors I'll regret. If I really fee like binging, I'll try to leave the house.

Finally, I do binge and if I do, I try to binge on "healthy" foods. It doesn't always happen, but it's easier to recover.

I hope some of my suggestions help you. I know how hard it is to break out of a bad cycle. Working out (sweating) even when I SO don't want to and I can think of many great excuses, is what has been able to change my trajectory in the past.

Luckymommy, you have some very good suggestions that would help any of us! It takes time to develop habits such as these, but it seems that you have them firmly in place and have lost a good bit of weight because of them. Keep up the good work!

Could you look at just one "thing" that starts this chain reaction and work on that?

It's a start.

Even if you do something as small as waiting, 30 minutes to order the pizza and think about the chain reaction, and some alternatives, in that 30 minutes, it's a start!

"I bought two drinks to make it look like it was for 2 people."

I can't tell you how many times I've done that. I always feel like people are judging me when I buy or order large quantities of junk food - but that's how I know that I'm doing something that I shouldn't be doing.

Luckymommy has great advice! One thing I have found helps is to slowly introduce healthy foods into your diet as a lifestyle, and not as some kind of eating plan. I started by drinking less soda and more water. I used to really dislike water, but now I can't go a day without 2-3L.

I then started to replace my breakfast with smoothies. I make vegetable and fruit smoothies in the morning and they really give me a good energy boost, they are fast, and I can control the portion size and calorie count.

I think it would also help to find healthy alternatives to the junk food you love most. For me, it's pizza. I have found that I'm quite happy now with a spinach and parmasean stuffed chicken breast (no breading) with a homemade tomato sauce on top. If I REALLY want pizza, I order a small and I have some raw veggies or salad with it.

I think it's all about making those small changes weekly to eliminate the habit of binge eating and consuming junk food. I don't think that cutting out junk food cold turkey and going on a limited diet would work for me, I have tried before and it just resulted in more binge eating and more weight gain.

Anyway, you're not alone! as others have said

This always works for me (although, disclaimer: I do not binge; I just overeat). I find that I do a lot of "impulse" eating, and if I can just conquer that impulse even for 15 minutes, I usually do not give in. I remember reading that advice years ago in some diet book based on CBT (can't remember the title); the author advised actually setting your cell phone timer for 15 minutes and committing to resisting just that 15 minutes and then re-evaluating. It really does work 95% of the time for me.

"I bought two drinks to make it look like it was for 2 people."

Like sydneymarisa (and no doubt others!) I've done that too. Or, since I have a car, gone to two different drive-throughs so I didn't look like I was ordering so much food from just the one.

My best advice is to get a lot of suggestions to try, and then try them all until you find something that works for you. Unfortunately what works for one person won't work for another necessarily. Even worse, what works for you at one point in time might not work for you at another point in time.

I've found for myself, I have to be in a mindset where things 'click' to get eating healthy and losing weight. Unfortunately I have no idea how to get in that mindset! Every now and then it happens, seemingly on its own. If I don't feel like I'm in the right mindset it seems like nothing works, though.

About 10-15 years ago I went from 250 pounds to 160 pounds over the course of a year or two. Then what helped was Weight Watchers, therapy, and counting calories. This time around I'm starting heavier (funny how that happens, huh?) and calorie counting did NOT work, it got me too focused on perfectionism, so that if I 'messed up' one day I went completely off the rails. Back then doing exercise and dieting at the same time worked great, but this time around I feel like I need to focus just on diet for like 3-4 months to get that down and only THEN add in exercise (and slowly!). And therapy actually worked list last time, but not in the same way and not while I was in. Now that I'm not in therapy (they stopped taking my insurance) I feel like I am benefiting from the 6 months of therapy I had last year, I find myself remembering things we talked about.

Me too. I've jokingly called it "the eye of the tiger" and when I am in that zone, nothing stops me. No temptation sways me. I am laser focused. But like you I don't know how to get there, it just seems to "happen" when it wants to.

I found this very interesting post while clicking around 3FC yesterday. I think it's on the IE thread, on the General Diet Plans forum. Hope it's helpful. With thanks to Yumsoup who posted it:

"Hi everyone! I'm new to these forums but I've been lurking the intuitive eating threads here for quite some time. I've done tons of research on intuitive eating, binge eating, mindfulness, etc over the past 2 & a half years so I'll try answering your questions the way I see it

Through my research and all the books I've read on IE, binge eating, mindfulness, changing habits, etc, I've basically come up with my own set of principles (I haven't officially written them down anywhere so this is coming straight off the top of my head, but this is how I do my "IE")

1. I actually don't call it intuitive eating. And the reason is because I feel like some of my viewpoints are so far removed from the branded "intuitive eating" that it just seems like it'd be incorrect. Instead I call it hunger directed eating, and I like that name more because it focuses on my true goal - just eating when I'm hungry and not being bothered by food any other time.

2. First of all, I defined how I personally wanted my relationship with food to be. I did research on how "normal eaters" eat, I read books on it, I observed normal/"naturally thin" eaters in my life and what they do. And I came to my own conclusions on how I want to be with food. This is it in a nutshell:

- I want to eat when I'm physically hungry, and have it be absolutely whatever I want to eat. I don't place any restrictions on my diet whatsoever.
- I want to stop when I'm comfortably full, or just not hungry any more.
- I want to not give food any other significance/attention outside of that.

There are a few other things too - like not being moved to eat in social situations if I'm not hungry, not feeling the need to jump at the opportunity for free food if I'm not hungry, etc. But they pretty much all fall under those big things.

From observing others, observing the way I feel physically & mentally when I eat that way (energetic, relaxed, in tune with my body) it just didn't make sense to me anymore to have it be any more complicated than that. To me, eating that way is the "real deal". Pure, bare bones HDE without any embellishments.

3. In my mind I have now made a distinct, very clear separation between what I consider my "true self" and my "habit brain". Basically my true self is the part of me who knows the relationship I want to have with food and is totally committed to building the habits necessary to have it. My habit brain, on the other hand, is the subconscious part of me that's basically just like "no lol". The part that produces the binge urges, the nagging cravings to eat more when I know I'm not hungry anymore, the excuses like "well I haven't eaten in blah hours and I know I'm not hungry and there's food right here and blah" or "this is too difficult, i don't want to wait until i'm hungry, blah blah".

For the first two years of my IE journey I sucked at actually IEing, and I'm not afraid to admit that. Maybe 10% of the time I was actually eating according to my hunger (short periods of 2 weeks or less), the rest of the time I was letting my binge urges and cravings take total control. And because traditional IE puts the explanation for binge/overeating on emotions and life issues and all sorts of other justifications, I justified my overeating, countless times. And I steadily put on 40 pounds as a result.

It was only until I learned to make this separation (through lots of research on mindfulness & hands-on practice of mindfulness meditation and reading books like "Brain Over Binge") that I started seeing real progress. Now, I see binge urges, urges to partake in unwanted overeating, obsessive thoughts about food, and even diet-y thoughts about food ("i can't eat this, it's full of fat! etc") ALL as coming from habit brain. They're just habitual thought/action patterns, that's it.

I have lived so much of my life dieting, binging, overeating, that all of the thoughts and urges that come with those lifestyles are still in my brain. And the only way to "get rid" of them is to literally stop doing anything they say, continuously. As time progresses and I'm no longer using those neural networks, they will disband and fade (if you don't use it, you lose it - principle of neuroplasticity).

And I don't do this through iron-fist willpower, but through simple mindfulness. I notice the thought/urge/feeling arise, simply accept that it's there and allow it to be there, knowing it'll eventually fade on its own, then continue with my day and my "true self"'s intentions. Soon (usually I don't even notice the precise moment) the urge/"itch"/whatever is gone and I'm back to my rational mind who knows I don't need 3 extra slices of cake when I've already had one and I'm perfectly satisfied.

4. I don't blame my urges to binge eat or overeat on emotions, "triggers", etc. I don't blame them on anything but habit anymore. It goes along with my last point but I think this had to be mentioned separately because it was SUCH a big change in my thinking. Yes - certain emotional states of mind could trigger the "binge" networks in my brain out of pure association (conditioned stimulus effect). No - "fixing" the emotion that triggered the urge will not make the urge go away. For me, allowing my emotions to be an explanation for any of my eating just complicated my life and gave me an excuse to keep overeating. Plus I've noticed that VERY often, whatever emotion I would've used to explain my overeating/binge eating, was actually caused by the urge itself!

For example, I keep a journal on my phone when I feel an urge arise I type a few sentences about what I'm feeling physically, emotionally, and what thoughts are coming up. And I kid you not, 90% of my entries have said "anxiety, my heart's beating fast, i feel irritable". Those feelings of anxiety and irritability are literally my brain pumping out neurotransmitters to get me to carry out my habit. They're not emotions I need to "cope with" or soothe or anything.

As you can see traditional IE would probably frown upon how I'm doing things but I honestly wouldn't change a thing right now. I feel awesome, I feel totally in control of my eating, I eat whatever the heck I want (literally. I had sugar cookies for lunch today - just sugar cookies) and I'm losing weight steadily now instead of gaining rapidly lmao."

Yes!! If only we could somehow tap into that mindset at will!

what type of therapists do you guys look for i am roughly a month away from getting health insurance from my job

I've tried seeing 2 psychologists and a psychiatrist. I found that the biggest help to me was a nutritional therapist, someone who works specifically with disordered eaters.

The first time, when I had tremendous luck, I wasn't looking for a therapist with the idea of losing weight. I was just unhappy with my life. I found a general counselor (had to try three before I found someone who clicked, which is common, not clicking with the first person) who I worked with on depression, work-life balance, and general anxiety. Saw her for a year and was at a really good point in my life, my lowest weight as an adult and actually taking care of myself and having a social life.

Another time I saw a nutritionist, which wasn't a therapist at all, just a plain old nutritionist. I was referred because of severe anemia but we talked about weight loss too. Just having someone to visit who seemed to be interested in me succeeding was helpful, there was also the accountability aspect.

More recently I spent about six months visiting an addiction specialist who specialized in food addiction, which was like a match made in heaven it seemed to me. We got along well, but after half a year she stopped taking my insurance and I didn't go back. At the time it didn't seem like I was getting much out of the sessions. I wasn't really in the right mindset to want to make big changes in my life, so it was hard to motivate myself. Now it's half a year since I've seen her and I think that it did help, it was just a delayed reaction thing. It's like I stored up a small set of what she was saying, and it's helping me now, now that I'm ready to make changes.

One thing about seeing a therapist is that you won't always click. The first time I went through three therapists to find one who worked well with me. In the past ten years I have probably tried three or four therapists who didn't work before finding the one who did. I try to give it 3-4 sessions to see if things will click or not, and if they don't, I move on. Nobody seems to have taken it personally.