So, I guess I don't so much need advice but just to complain about this.

We're interviewing candidates for an open position in my department over the next few weeks. Interviews in my field are day-long events that always involve lunch. My boss said something about maybe dinner as well, since the majority of the candidates are travelling here and staying overnight.

I'll be working closely with whoever we hire so it's especially important that I attend at least one meal with each candidate to get a feel for their personality. The cherry on top is that another industry norm is trying to impress candidates with what the community has to offer by taking them to really good restaurants.

So, let's just say that this month is going be challenging.

And now we've all been "assigned" a meal with each candidate. The good news is that one of the interviews is on my birthday and I've already given myself permission to live it up that day. I'm going to see if I can steer the group to my favorite restaurant, in fact. I can do lunch salads for the other meals, I guess.

^ Sounds like you have a good plan in place. That's the best way to do it! And I'm sure if you tell them it's your birthday they will let you pick the restaurant :P

This issue crops up in my work all the time. Over the next 2 months I'll be attending 8 dinner meetings, all at fine restaurants. Gourmet restaurant food is my biggest weakness, so I don't always handle this challenge too well. My game plan is to have an appetizer and salad, and no main course or dessert. I find appetizers more interesting than main courses, so hopefully I'll stick to the plan. I usually look up the menu online and decide on an order in advance. Perhaps you can do the same?

F.

I don't have kids and I've never even had a boyfriend, much less a husband. And now I'm turning 40 which means I likely never will. I live in an efficiency apartment, drive a 10-year-old Dodge, and anticipate a 5-digit tax bill this year.

If I don't eat a gourmet sandwich and drink wine once in a while, I will hang myself.

I'm seriously not joking.

An app and a green salad sounds like more fun than a salad with meat. Thanks for the idea!

This is just so not a problem.

Yeah, I'd rock that.

Seafood please.

Every night/day.

Lobster.

Crab.

Smoked salmon.

God, I would go nuts and get so ripped.

Serious objection! I am separated with two kids at 40. And I ain't throwing in the towel yet.

Don't you frickin' dare. You lucky single girl! Your whole life is ahead of you.

Turn this challenge into an opportunity.

Which is really what it is.

Because everybody knows women get so much more desirable to men the closer they are to menopause.

Cutting and pasting from an earlier post in hopes you'll understand why I don't want to get into this. (Discussed in this forum because my pain over the subject is a fat loss barrier.)

"Please DON'T respond how everyone has a soulmate, with platitudes about never giving up, or dating advice. I'm 40 year old woman who's never had a real boyfriend despite Herculean effort to be pretty and pleasant, intense self-examination, study (yes, study), and experimentation with all kinds of demeanors, attitudes, and ways of dealing with men. Dating has been nothing but a fruitless exercise in anxiety, frustration, heartache, and exposure to disease/possible unwanted pregnancy and I've never gotten one single thing out of it. I've finally accepted what any sane person would - that it's not worth it. Platitudes about love from people who don't know me and refuse to let me accept what is plain actually really anger me."

Violette. Trust me. You are so going to be OK.

Just keep doing what you are doing.

I am OK. Just unwanted. I'm dealing with that but there's no point in pretending it's not the case. Being honest with myself and having the courage to face reality is cold comfort, but it matters to me and I'm proud that in a society of the self-deluded, I'm the one calling it as it is.

I am glad you are OK. And being OK alone and accepting that being alone forever is OK is very important, at least for some people. Me included, now. Unfortunately.

I am just trying to point out that being 40 and single with no kids and no (ex-)husband should not be something that confines you to "cold comfort" that this may always be so.

I can talk to any single woman.

Any single woman.

Introduce any other guy.

Any guy.

Who is age 40.

Who is single, No kids. No ex-wife.

Guess who wins?

Not me.

You will be so OK.

Go through life in a society that virtually revolves around beauty, romantic love, sex, and reproduction having no beauty, never being touched by a member of the opposite sex with any affection, never having enjoyed sex because none of your partners cared enough and stayed around long enough to discover what pleases you, and knowing that once your last remaining family member dies, you are completely alone. Then get back to me about what is appropriate for me to feel.

No prom, no proposal, no father walking you down the aisle, no ring, no family gathered around the nursery making faces at your baby. These are rites of passage of adulthood that I have not and will likely not experience. There are no symbols of family or love for me because I am alone and undesired.

I did get the awesome rite of burying a parent, but at least he had disowned years earlier.

My reaction is a completely normal one to my circumstances. I deal with it, despite having no model to go by because no one talks about this. Because it's humiliating. Having to defend my feelings in addition to feeling them is extremely frustrating. I don't want sympathy and I don't want reassurance. I want to work this out the way I need to.

Oh God, I am digging a hole here. Sorry.

I gave up telling people what to feel a long time ago.

I was just asking you to trust me.

And I ask you to defend nothing.

Just keep doing what you are doing.

For me, I wake. I eat well. I work out. I work. Sleep. I rinse and I repeat. And some day, maybe, things might get better.

In between I am just trying to feel as healthy in my mind and body as I can.

'cos that's all I got.

"I was just asking you to trust me."

I say this not in spite, anger, disrespect or derision: Why should I?

It's a legitimate question. Someone I'm corresponding with casually on the internet, who's never been in the same room with me, can't really be someone in whom I can place trust for guidance.

I'm not saying you're not qualified to provide it to people you know. I'm saying I'm clearly an outlier and I can't rely on conventional wisdom or assurances from strangers. Experienced psychologists have been at an extreme loss in your place; it's not a shortcoming on your part. As I said, there's no model for what I'm facing. I have to work through my cr@p, my way. I just want to be able to do so without having to justify my reactions to living a life of social alienation.