I have a cousin that has always been obese. At times she has gotten on the bandwagon, lost some weight, then eventually falls off and gains it back. But over the years she has consistently lied about what and how much she eats. I don't understand the mentality behind that.

I have definitely struggled with my weight over my life. Now I won't gorge in public, but I don't lie about my eating either. Example, if the topic comes up about sweets (my down fall) I will say, that while I have rarely had an issue with over eating meals (unless particularly delicious) I am open about eating far too many sweets. Cookies being served at Christmas with a recipe, I might say "these are really good but I can't make these, or I'll eat the whole batch!" Or when I've lost weight, I am honest about loving sweets but that I keep them out of the house.

I feel like my body talks for me. It says at larger size that somewhere a long the line I'm over doing it, because I am.

My cousin commented that she will have a yogurt and that keeps her full all day. Oh come on...I told her, that's not enough, and even people at a healthy weight don't eat that little all day. She let on a few times that she over eats and binges, and I get not wanting to share that with everyone, but why try to make it sound as though you never eat when clearly you do?

Or we've gone out to lunch, she orders a salad, picks at it and says that's all she'll have the rest of the day. And I'm like really? Cause I'll be eating again today...I'm not saying she needs to broadcast that she overeats, but what is the point of trying to convince everyone she under eats??

I am open to her about all my food struggles. So there's no judgment there. Again, not saying she owes the world a play by play of her binging...but saying you eat one yogurt or one salad all day? And this is frequent with her. I avoid bringing up meals because I am so sick of hearing how she ate a crumb and it kept her full all day, yet she is about 80 lbs over weight.

What's the purpose of that kind of lying?

It sounds like she has much, much deeper issues, to the point of disordered eating. It's beyond logic or anything you will be able to understand unless she were comfortable opening up to you, which clearly she isn't. This is the kind of thing that should be discussed with a close friend and/or therapist. The most you can do is be supportive and understanding, and if you have the kind of relationship that allows it, encourage her to seek help.

Thank you for your reply. You are right. I know that she had issue with binging and purging in her teens. I agree there's definitely some serious problems. And to be honest, she has some serious issues in other areas of her life. She does see a therapist. I do try to chalk it up to a very emotionally unhealthy person. She has other 'things' she does that are odd, and she lies about many other areas of her life. I guess, some of the other lies "work", but this one I feel like "who are you fooling?"....Yes its very illogical to me, and I have a hard time understanding when people lie about things that are so obviously lies. So this one is harder for me to get.

Its tough because I distanced myself from her for a few years because she is just so...messed up in a hard to explain way. Her lies are very annoying and up until recently not a big deal to *me*, though she has hurt some people seriously with her big lies. She wanted to reconnect as she is struggling with a support system, and I imagine that this plays a part. So I've been allow more time with her and nothing has changed.

Anyway, the food thing pushes a personally button with me I guess, as it stands out among the many other lies she has told.

This is actually one of those things that really annoys me and I totally get where you're coming from especially since you've had to deal with your own issues regarding food. Its really sad that she's struggling and kind of you to try and reach out to her, but there's only so much you can do for people. I know a lot of people in my life(family and friends) who do this and I know it "shouldn't" bug me and that I should be understanding etc but it really does bother me. A lot of the time it's because these people always then comment on how much I eat and will make it a point to show/comment how they have eaten less than me. All of my closest friends do this when we go out to eat and so does my fiance's mother(who is morbidly obese). I'm very honest and pretty unappologetic with my food choices so its hard for me to understand as well.

Dottington, I have noticed this pattern with her. Its not that she just randomly offers that she ate a yogurt, it was done after a discussion about how to cook eggs, and what I had for breakfast. It is consistently done as a "I eat less than you" despite the fact that she has always be bigger than me. I get the root behind it, but like you said its just plain annoying at times.

Two years ago when I was pregnant with my now toddler, I did not run during that pregnany, I just gave it up. We were talking about it, during my pregnancy 2 years ago and she said she ran during her pregnancy with her last baby which is a year older than my youngest. It struck me as odd, because that's not her type...
It was said to me in the moment, as like a "Look I'm more dedicated than you", not as a lie she perpetuated for months. I figured well, if that is true, then its true, good for her.

I've been running with this pregnancy, and she knows and the other day she said to me that she never exercised during her pregnancies and wished she had....I was just like "Huh??"...DH said its easier to remember the truth than lies, meaning she probably forgot that one little lie 2 years ago. But it stuck with me because I always found it odd.

without reading through all the responses, i would say that perhaps that salad IS ALL(!) she eats that day....or that crumb...or whatever....and then a few days later may fall back into a binging pattern....i'm sure some of us have been there, where we restrict what we eat for awhile and then fall right back into overeating/compensating/binging or what have you

i do understand how what seems an obvious lie can be annoying or even a personal trigger, like fingernails on a chalkboard....i'd probably try to avoid situations with that person where food is the main focus

You have a really good point. I do know she has struggled in the past with binging and purging. From what I've been told, its no longer something she does, but I can say from personal experience with disordered eating, it doesn't just go away, and even if you are in recovery, it can return easily.

I have never talked to her about her more detailed habits, so for some reason I always assumed she was eating normal, then binging. Maybe it is because of her size, I hate to admit. I know I have struggled with restriction then binging, and I was able to maintain a much lower weight through that method. I figured if she were actually restricting between binges, she'd be smaller. But really I have nothing to base that on besides myself, and I'm only one person, not enough to draw that conclusion...

I also kind of figured she wasn't restricting because it never seemed to fit her personality. But that's another can of worms.

Maybe her restricting isn't as long term as mine was, and maybe her binges go on longer...Gees I would hope she's not really eating that little in a day. That plain sucks.

I wonder, should I just ask her? Is it my business? She might deny it even if its true, but is it worth bringing up? Its not like I can't relate.

Unfortunate, yes, but I say not your business unless she approaches you. Work on yourself, be a good example and be humble. If she needs to talk down the road she might feel comfortable turning to you.

It may not even be longer binging, it could just be bigger binges. I spent most of my life eating on the low-side of normal most of the month, just to maintain my 300 - 400 lb weight, because 5-9 days I would binge (pms). I'd have 21-25 "in-control days" and 5-9 "out-of-control days."

I had so little control of my "out-of-control days, that I could only lose weight by cutting my "in control" day calories down to just about nothing. And I could eat a yogurt or salad and not feel hungry enough to feel deprived. On my out-of-control days I could eat 35,000 calories and still feel ravenously, excrutiatingly starved.

For me, it's laregely hormonal. On the right birth control, I can do fairly well for myself. Without it, I'm at the mercy of my hormone-fueled appetite.

I'm now (last couple months) without birth control, and am in menopause. So far, without the hormones, I'm having to learn new strategies. Still, I definitely remember the days in which I ate 400 calories most days and 20,000+ calories on pms days.

There have been studies showing that obese subjects find it easier to delay eating, but have a harder time stopping once begun han thin participants.

That's certainly true for me. I can "not eat" much more easily than I can "stop eating." A 400 calore day is tremendously easier than an 1800 calorie day.

I often feels like I have only two choices, a 400 calorie day or a 35,000 calorie day. Functioning in the middle range is far, far, far more difficult than anything else I've ever done in my life. Graduate school was a breeze, living with chronic pain and disability, all a breeze compared to eating a moderate amount of calories. Zero is more comfortable than 1800.


Sadly, your cousin hasn't learned the first rule of morbid obesity for those who don't eat crap every minute 24/7 - Never discuss your eating habits with anyone, because no matter what you say, you'll be thought of as a liar. If you're more than 100 lbs overweight, the only story anyone ever believes is "I eat garbage all day long, from morning to night."

I think the issue with bigger binges (and why I said longer instead), is its hard from one person to the next to understand eating a particular amount. Actually what I just ate, I would consider a binge. I made a homemade dip of yogurt & peanut butter and ate that and an apple and about 2 handfuls of pretzels. I wasn't hungry and didn't really want it, I just ate for the sake of eating. When I imagine someone binging, like my cousin, I picture some of my more troublesome binges, like the fact that I can eat a whole ben and jerrys in one sitting. And if I overeat through out the day, have a big dinner, I cannot hope to fit the whole ice cream in one sitting. But if I eat a normally that day so that I can finish one, I know that's like 1600 cals in a sitting depending on what flavor. Anyway, I just can't imagine fitting another thing in after that or how anyone else could without throwing up. So the logical go to is that its being spaced out over longer periods of time. This is why people assume that the person must be eating more often and higher calorie foods (junk food). I see how much I can eat, and its more than a normal person and what kind of weight gain it causes. I'd have to really eat a lot higher calorie foods and more frequently to maintain a higher weight.

As someone who has a history for restricting and binging. I do think that its still visible when somewhere a long the line, over eating is happening. Frankly when I was restricting and I have had many years of 400 cal days, I lied UP about what I ate. One, I wasn't doing it to tell others, I did it because of my own twisted reasoning, and I felt weird being obviously over weight and trying to tell people I didn't eat that day. But mostly I didn't want anyone to know and try to stop me from doing it. On those days you eat so little, aside from your hubby since he's there living with you, are you making a point to tell people about how little you ate that day? For me the restricting was about restricting. It seem for my cousin its about bragging rights, assuming she is in fact restricting and not just lying.

I don't think it's bragging right, at least not in the sense you mean it. When everyone is scrutinizing what you eat, or when you think everyone is (and when you're really fat, a lot of people really are), you want to convince yourself and others that you're being " good;" and in our society for all women, but especially fat women, eating like a teeny, tiny, bird is seen as "being good."

She's obviously feeling judged, or she wouldn't feel the need to "show off" her ability (or faking an ability) to eat so little.

That you feel she's bragging, really proves my point. You wouldn't consider it bragging unless you too thought it was something to brag about. If you didn't, it might still be annoying, but the idea of it being bragging wouldn't even enter your mind.

Sadly, in this culture, women are taught to see self-starvation as something to brag about. And we see eating (even just in general, sometimes) as something to be extremely ashamed about.

Under these circumstances, why would anyone talk about their binges and can you not see why she might want to be reinforced for her wins and not want to talk about her defeats?

It's really sad that we're taught to see food and eating this way, but it's certainly understandable.

It's extremely demoralizing and demeaning to have your inability to control your eating and weight on display for anyone and everyone to criticise. Sometimes you may even want to brag a little or at least deflect or defy the false or exagerated assumptions others make.

It's a little sad that she cares so much about what you or anyone else thinks of her, but it's certainly understandable in a culture that says eating is bad and crash dieting is good.

Wow, so true. Without thinking about it, I do label it as bragging when eating so little. I'd like to think of that as being part of my own issues with food, but I imagine you are correct in that its quite woven into our society, for nearly all women (and some men I would suppose). It s a victory when you don't over eat, and a failure when you do. Yesterday, I ate quite a bit then ended the night with food I really didn't need or want, I just wanted to eat because I was alone and bored. I definitely felt that sense of failing, and when I don't eat before bed, I feel victorious in my own struggles. When I was "sicker" with my ED it felt like a win the longer I went without eating. Thankfully many of those habits have healed, but the psychology beind it persists it seems.

She may just be a pathological liar, it's very sad actually. I'm thinking about the times I used to lie about eating, when I was in the depths of my ED I was lying a lot mostly in the form of secret binging, like I would go out to run errand before dinner and sneak off to eat a bucket of fried chicken in my car parked in an empty parking lot, and then return home and eat what I thought would seem like a healthy portion "oh i'm stuffed after just half a portion of grilled chicken breast!" I did a lot of double meals in this way, I'd eat before I met friends for dinner, or eat after a party etc. Obviously I felt like being hungry and eating what I really wanted in front of other people was something to be ashamed of so I had 2 personalities, the one I was ashamed of and the one that I would show to other people. It turns out that neither of those personalities was the real me, I was just stuck between 2 worlds. Maybe that's what your cousin is going through. Either way, whatever is going on with her has nothing to do with you so you need to try to not take her lies personally. She's not lying to you, she's lying to herself.

So lies in essence come from a place of insecurity and a deep fear. I don't think she's aware of how this affects you because she's buried in fear and insecurity, it has nothing to do with you at all. She's trying to come across as someone who is in control of herself, it's a front.

I have a friend who is very private about her weight strugglles. She's not the type to fess up or reveal any of her inner struggles about her weight. I'm pretty open and honest about my ED and have spoken to her often about it and she's very sweet and understanding but she has never once confided in me or even said anything along the lines of "I understand, I've been there myself." We go out to dinner together a lot and she always orders a salad, never finishes any of her food, doesn't seem swayed by desserts or anything, she eats like a skinny person does I suppose. Which is odd because she weighs more than 200lbs, and it goes without saying that she probably overeats when I'm not with her. I don't want to judge her though, I know what it's like to be stuck inside your own head, but then again she doesn't lie to me in an obnoxious way the way your cousin does.

It's not your place to call her out on lies, it just isn't. You can't change anyone or help them without their consent. Just because you're honest with her about what you eat doesn't mean she owes you the truth about what she eats, so let it go.

I wouldn't assume she's lying. One of two things is happening here; either she IS lying and it's just because she doesn't want judged for eating what she wants or she's in competition with you OR she isn't lying and will be binging on crap for the next two days.

I'd bring it up the next time it happens in a non confrontational way. "Really? All you're going to eat is that little salad? If worry that isn't very filling! If I were you I'd end up eating a whole pie when I got home! Lol!"

I think it's really unfortunate that most of us (women especially, thin or fat) have been taught/trained/conditioned to diet by way of starvation, whether for weight loss or weight maintenance.

Although the annoyance factor is more a matter of individual perception and perspective. As a very obese person, always entangled in the starve/binge cycle, I never felt annoyed with other fat folk chattering on ("bragging" or not) about their tiny appetites, slow metabolisms, or crazy low-cal plans for the day).

What really got my goat, was the thin ladies doing so in my presence. It made me think and want to say, "I get it, you're skinny, you're never hungry, you eat like a bird, a sip of tea and a bite of salad keeps you satisfied for days......... what do you want, a medal?"

At least when fatties said the same things, I knew where they were coming from - fear, shame, insecurity.... but I couldn't fathom why the thin women would do so except to rub it in my face that I was fat and they were not. How dare they complain about their tiny appetite as if it were a problem, or brag about something I'd give anything to have.

I didn't really understand that thin, or fat, the source was the same - insecurity and the cultural messages we recieve:

Real men don't eat quiche.
Real women don't eat.

In the 1800's and early 1900's, it was considered unladylike to truly eat, especially in public. Men ate, but women nibbled. Men could eat meat at a party, but women were expected to nibble on tea sandwhiches (half a piece of bread, buttered, with a bit of radish or watercress).

We still bear that legacy to a certain degree. We still think there's something wrong with a woman with an appetite. Or at least that the woman with the smallest appetite is most virtuous and most feminine.

Now, when I hear any woman go down any of the many variations of "I eat like a bird," I try to remember the cultural pressures behind it. It still is harder to hear it from thin women than fat, because it does still feel like they're saying "HaHa, I'm better than you," but that's my hangup.