I've basically reached a point where I think I am addicted to suicidal ideation. I frequently can't cope unless I think about suicide Honestly, I don't think there is any hope for me, but I just wanted to get my thoughts off my chest even if it's out there to a stranger. I'm on Wellbutrin 300mg but it has minimal effect. While I appreciate the inevitable comments of calling suicide hotlines, going to a counselor, etc, I really can't do that. I talk to my primary care doctor about having suicidal thoughts, but that's the best I can manage and I would never go into the detail I'm about to go into...

I'm basically a piece of crap. I pulled a bait and switch on my poor husband and have gained a ton of weight since we've been together. I was eating about one modest meal a day to avoid weight gain when we first met. I had been doing so for a year and a half since a break-up with my ex-fiance who stopped having sex with me because he was no longer attracted to me due to my disgusting fat. I gradually fell into a regular 3-meals-a-day plan with my now husband, but I have the most ridiculously efficient fat storage system so weight gain was inevitable. I am no longer the same woman he fell in love with. He still loves me, but I know I am a burden. I'm lazy, my joints hurt, and I have no motivation, so I don't exercise. I don't even keep a clean house anymore. You know how fat people are unfairly stereotyped as being slobs and lazy? Well, I have earned that stereotype. I do work a full time job that I used to love, but now I just go through the motions without passion.

When I step on the scale after trying to lose weight for a week and realize I've gained, I step into my walk-in closet and put my 9mm against my temple or my neck. The cold metal against my skin calms me down like nothing else. When my husband randomly stares off into the distance in public and I realize it's because he's transfixed on a thin woman, I think about my 12 gauge shotgun at home and how I could do him the greatest favor and blow my fat ugly head right off of my body.

Something about knowing I can end my pain whenever I want helps me to carry on. In fact, I close my eyes and a smile usually spreads across my face when I'm thinking about suicide. My physician who writes my Wellbutrin rx knows I have suicidal thoughts and has asked me to keep my guns in the safe, but sometimes I can't function if I don't put a barrel against my face or chest for a few minutes. I've tried cutting on my stomach a couple of times because I know that some people find relief via cutting, but it seems juvenile and wasn't helpful for me.

you need help. NOW. And you DESERVE that help.
I have been to the psych ward because I felt exactly like you. And it isnt that bad! Being with folks that were just like me helped me a great deal. Seeing how they themselves saw them so bad although they were good pewople made me take a different look at myself.

If you are already that far in your thoughts get help. Tell your husband how you feel and that you need him to help you. And then get in therapy, stationary if you can.

You are not seeing yourself correctly at the moment. you see yourself like looking into a shattered and broken mirror. And you need and deserve help to correct that.

Why couldn't you ever tell a therapist/person trained to deal with suicidal people?

I would think about putting the guns out of your own reach. Do it when you are having a clearer, less dark day. I'm a major 2nd amendment advocate, but it applies to adults of sound mind.

Finally... do you have a plan to shift the weight?

Jet, I had a similar problem last year. I was also on Wellbutrin. My Dr. Switched me to Cymbalta and I got my life back. You CAN get yours back too. There IS a medication out there that can help you.

a) you need to tell your husband to take the guns away from your reach. you need to do it now.
if you can't explain why, don't explain. just insist.

b) i feel better when i plan my suicide. i think it has something to do with feeling some sense of control, when i can't control how awful i feel. it is not a good way of dealing with things, and i'm working on changing how i cope. like everything, it is a process.

i mention that because while i think what you are doing is deeply dysfunctional, i do not think you are alone. you do need to talk to someone qualified, though speaking about it even here is a good step. 3FC is full of wonderful women, but our advice is amateur and you deserve the best. i promise you, nothing is more important than your safety and wellness.

JetSet, I am sorry that you are in this situation. Are you sure that there is no metabolic reason for the sitiation? eg thyroid/endocrine system. Including cortisol. I know how hard weight gain is. Oh do I know. But I am wondering if you have been to a good endocrinologist to have all your a complete thyroid panel done. My TSH was fine with a little help from thyroid pills. But it turns out that even though that level was fine, the T3 and T4 were off. As soon as i took something for the cortisol, things improved. My GP was not willing to look further because the TSH looked fine. She did not see that the cortisol levels (T3 and T4) were causing me to put weight on.

I am not saying this is the case for you. What i am saying though is that perhaps things are not your fault at all. And there is a medical reason for things. i am so sorry for the pain you are in. Please stay safe. the world needs more people like you who have a da vinci drawing on their avatar !!

Is it possible the Wellbutrin is making you feel bad? I took it before and it actually enhanced my depression. I never understood those warning labels about medications making someone suicidal until I tried it.

Depression lies. Your brain is lying to you. The part of your brain telling you that you can't get help is a liar. The part of your brain telling you you are a piece of crap is a liar. The part of your brain telling you that your husband is staring at other women is a liar. Even the part that tells you to put a gun to your head because you will feel better is a liar. The part that says you can't function without access to your guns is a liar. The part that says "don't go get different medication or call a hotline, it won't help" - it's lying, too.

You do not have to feel like this. You do not have to live like this. There is help and there are people and medications that can help you.

^^This.

Wellbutrin is not the right medication for you (obviously) and I can't believe your physician knows you're suicidal and doesn't make changes or refer you to a Psychiatrist. If this person is a Psych; find another one stat.

I agree with what the others said. Depression is insidious, and it's a liar. You are NOT worthless. You are NOT disgusting. I don't know your situation, but my guess is your husband loves you very much. If you were to commit suicide, you would likely devastate him and your other family and friends. Please talk to your doctor. And please either remove the guns from your home or have your husband lock them up where you cannot access them. Suicide is a permanent reaction to a temporary problem. Please get help, for yourself, and for your husband's sake and your other family.

This seconded times ten. When I started perimenopause I came close to offing myself. Took 18 months and several different hormonal approaches with a knowledgeable doctor willing to listen to my feedback. I'm telling you, even borderline low readings of the right hormones and you can feel like you've got rheumatoid arthritis, have less energy than a sloth and even your dreams will be depressing.

I won't lie and say that I don't find your post disturbing. Getting help is absolutely necessary. Changing your medication is critical because you are not rational right now. I do not know you but I can relate to almost everything you are saying. The lethargy, the lack of passion, the paranoia, the lack of confidence, the drowning sadness, feeling abandoned, and feeling out of options. This is depression speaking. Wellbutrin has been known to make things worse. It's not for everyone. Don't just take your doctor's word as gospel. I know that it is difficult to assert yourself right now but you absolutely have the right to say that this is not working and request a different regimen. Your doctor should work with you not force you into any uncomfortable medical situations.

When you say a big smile crosses your face when you hold a gun are you saying that the thought of death makes you happy? Are you sure you understand your emotions right now to make the assertion that you are happy when you think about death? Wouldn't it be more accurate to say that you are getting a rush? That you actually never feel more alive than when you are contemplating death? I am not a psychologist or psychiatrist but it might be helpful to to truly understand why you are doing what you are doing...